#1
Deadly Sins

Unknown deadly judgments
misconceptions and misjudgment
You make the actions of deadly sin
The Devil is ready to take you in
Although you never thought about it
think about it and get over it
invisible things exist
prepare your cross and say your prayers

Killing, stealing, cheating,
oh my heart is beating
The book of bible says
Don't fall in for Deadly Sins

We have only one model to look at
he's the holy one
Holy wars going between the two
invisible but true
Our world is being destroyed
Now these deadly sins you can't avoid

Every corner of our our world
darkness is conquering
good is darkening
Evil minds destroying good minds


Sin traps are being made
for those who yet for the devil aren't made
They'll fall like the rest did
watch your back
because tomorrow you're holy
tomorrow you're sin
"I wish I had a Dean :/ Some day I will get my wings too "


I am a beginner guitarist and I am so proud I joined the guitar world ^^ It's pretty cool. Songs I learned till now :

Talk by Coldplay
#2
Quote by Galaxystart
Deadly Sins

Unknown deadly judgments
misconceptions and misjudgment
You make the actions of deadly sin
The Devil is ready to take you in
Although you never thought about it
think about it and get over it
invisible things exist
prepare your cross and say your prayers

Nice start, I like it ^^

Killing, stealing, cheating,
oh my heart is beating
The book of bible says
Don't fall in for Deadly Sins

We have only one model to look at
he's the holy one
Holy wars going between the two
invisible but true
Our world is being destroyed
Now these deadly sins you can't avoid

Nice, a mix of religion and present world influences

Every corner of our our world
darkness is conquering
good is darkening
Evil minds destroying good minds


Sin traps are being made
for those who yet for the devil aren't made
They'll fall like the rest did
watch your back
because tomorrow you're holy
tomorrow you're sin


Nice ending m8, keep up the gd work
I AM IMAGINING THE FUTURE WARS... GUITAR WARS, EVERYONE HAS B.C RICH WARLOCKS THAT FIRE BULLETS AS FAST AS HELL.
#3
Quote by Sniperguitar
Nice ending m8, keep up the gd work


Thanks man. Glad you like it ^^
"I wish I had a Dean :/ Some day I will get my wings too "


I am a beginner guitarist and I am so proud I joined the guitar world ^^ It's pretty cool. Songs I learned till now :

Talk by Coldplay
#4
Quote by Galaxystart
Deadly Sins

Unknown deadly judgments
misconceptions and misjudgment
A very vivid and in-your-face opening.
You make the actions of deadly sin
The Devil is ready to take you in
The simple rhyme here totally contradicts your complicated method of word choice in the opening two lines; I'm afraid it's not what I would be looking or waiting for.
Although you never thought about it
think about it and get over it
Try and make this a more powerful statement by using forceful words like 'now', 'flee' and try and avoid using the boring term "get".
invisible things exist
prepare your cross and say your prayers

Killing, stealing, cheating,
oh my heart is beating
The book of bible says
Don't fall in for Deadly Sins
The silly last line doesn't compliment the more serious and anarchic lines preceding in this chorus.

We have only one model to look at
he's the holy one
Holy wars going between the two
invisible but true
Our world is being destroyed
Now these deadly sins you can't avoid
Once again, for me, it's the rhymes that let this down.

Every corner of our our world
darkness is conquering
good is darkening
Evil minds destroying good minds
By now there is a little too much of the same vivid imagery and dramatic penmanship; you need to tone it down just a little; try and make it more humanly.


Sin traps are being made
for those who yet for the devil aren't made
Too many "devil" representations.
They'll fall like the rest did
watch your back
because tomorrow you're holy
tomorrow you're sin
This is a nice little treat. It seems more like you weren't afraid to be cheesey in this passage, it feels more at home with your writing. Its over the top and therefore humorous - which is what this piece needs.


Your rhymes need a little work, they are very plain. Also, try and focus on either making this very funny and outrageuous or go for the opposite and help it become more humanly. This is stuck in between the two philosophies.

Digitally Clean
#5
Quote by AngryGoldfish
Your rhymes need a little work, they are very plain. Also, try and focus on either making this very funny and outrageuous or go for the opposite and help it become more humanly. This is stuck in between the two philosophies.

Digitally Clean


Thanks for helping man
"I wish I had a Dean :/ Some day I will get my wings too "


I am a beginner guitarist and I am so proud I joined the guitar world ^^ It's pretty cool. Songs I learned till now :

Talk by Coldplay