#1
a skyline of drugs and aged hands make up the breath of the city
a symphony of rain and traffic edging towards the morning
and the music washes out from the cafe to the streets
and disturbs the sleeping in a sky of cigarettes

the accompaniment, a drifter of twenty six, fiddling with a violin
by a trash-can in the alleyway, his iris set on the strings of marijuana
and the wood that is black whiskey
in the languid togetherness that is the city

an accompaniment of drifters and violin breath make up the sky of the city
a symphony of languid togetherness stepping back to admire the skyline
and the cigarettes wash out from the bars to the streets
and disturb the trash-can in a roar of bottles and beggars

and the aged, in the winter of twenty six, when the rangers drew first breath
in the roaring broadway nightlife, stepping back to adore the future
a future of ice and alleyways, where the orchestra rains alone like pity
and because of the strings the sounds are sour
in the smoke of labour that is the city

the stars of broadway smoked marijuana together in an evening of music
a symphony of breath and hands, struggling to find the night
and when it is truly found, the cigarettes and the drink conduct the service
to the music of rain tattering the roof gently like drugs

the opiates of the night conduct the orchestra of winter
in the winter of twenty six, the drifter of twenty six like traffic
hustled and bustled to the sounds of rain
in a mist of past and present, the togetherness that is the conductor
tears the orchestra apart

and what is left, one dark alleyway of winter, where once stood the city
where once the roaring broadway nightlife fought the traffic of present
i saw the greatest civilisations fall to the black breath of the mind
and stand confused in the gentle rain of tomorrow
#2
- First of all, I noticed the word "symphony", I adore that word and the way you applied it here made it even more diversifying.

- "and when it is truly found, the cigarettes and the drink conduct the service" - I found this to break the flow too much.

One thing that was predominant when reading this was your really cool way of writing, I rarely see something as intricate and detailed as this. Its excellently laid out and perfectly portrayed. Theres so few mistakes or alterations I would advise you to make, I feel a little cubersome even commenting on this.

- "in the roaring broadway nightlife, stepping back to adore the future" - this was a highlight to me as it had a beautiful rhyme and it helped me understand what you are trying to say - which I thoroughly enjoyed doing.

I really can't find anything wrong with this. Its repetitive terms does confuse me slightly and makes the reader seem a little overwhelmed - that could be caused by the length of the piece - I am not overly fond of the belittling way it makes me feel. I have a sense of urgency when reading it because of how it is laid out.
I don't really know how to explain myself properly but there ya' go!

Great read mate.

Digitally Clean
#3
Loved the way everything was recycled and adapted to create the storyline. Hated the way the wording was sacrificed to do so. Just little things such as make up the breath and the languid togetherness that is the city sound so sub-par compared to the imagery you usually evoke from the simplest things. Despite that, still an incredible story - it was a real journey from start to finish.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#4
Alex, i feel as if you're a master of lucid description.
not only do i love reading your poems; but rather, anything you say, because you manage to apply it in every aspect of communication apparently.
something i wish i could do.
the words you've used here are a literal haven of what the reader should expect from his author. keep writing buddy, i hope to see you published someday.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#5
this was really, really beautiful. the only problem i had was that some key words (namely "winter" and "marijuana") were repeated rather superfluously.
#6
bump for great justice.
i'm sorry, but this deserves to be read.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#7
That was fantastic! Loved the detailed descriptions especially.
I did not get my Spaghetti-O's, I got spaghetti. I want the press to know this.
Executed by injection, Oklahoma.
~~ Thomas J. Grasso, d. March 20, 1995.


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Fires Burning