#1
alone

So subtly I’ve crept
So quietly I lied
To stir up the skies
Rain falls into my hair
Cutting all my clothes
Like a villain in the night
Come to strangle
All but a sunflower
I’m alive
But I’m alone.

c4c as usual
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
#2
I like the combination of the words "quietly" and "subtly". The image of the rain "cutting" your clothes is neat.

But, its too ambiguous. I fail to see the relevance and importance of this. It just feels like a bunch of nice little images sprayed into one, and they have no relation to anything in my eyes and its only the last two lines you can actually reach into anything from this.

Am I missing something here?

Digitally Clean
#3
mm well, the first two lines are saying that i've done done things to souround my self with things that are un real, a fantasy. like in line 3. who can stir the skies? no one. it's fake. it's a dream. in the next two lines it's sayin we cover our selves to cover ourselves. and in the end we are all alone. the villian part strangling all exept the sunflower represents that i am flawed i am "god's mistake" the sunflower is me, because the sunflower is like "gods imperfect flower"
last two line's just bluntly say it.
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
#4
I have yet to find out whether anyone else will notice your totally cryptic metaphors. I understand the poem now and I can enjoy it more, but only because you have explained it. I have the same problem mate, I feel I'm stuck in this framework of writing that I am forced to explain myself so that people can enjoy my work. And when you do that, it detracts from the original themes, it feels forced then.
#5
mm.. i have to disagree. people will make of it what they wish to. i dont think taht poetry has one meaning. it is... something more. everyone gets a little different something out of it. explaining what you intended. just tells them this is what i wanted to do. and whether or not they get it doenst matter. people will think of what they want about what you write as they should. and if they feel like the idea's are being forced if the piece is good it will not be forced whether or whether not the piece is explained.
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
#6
Damn staight! I'm going through a major identity crises right now in my wirting (I'm very easily influenced and gullable). Its because of all these people telling me the kind of peotry I read - and try to write - has no real emotion because it's not focused enough, there are two many points that you can evoke from it. Which, and I agree with you, is a little bit silly. Where does it say that I can't have more than one emotion and thought in a short poem, or anyone's poem for that matter?
I understand what they are saying totally and that philosophy works for some, but it's like saying the only way to shred on your guitar with emotion is to learn all the scales and practise with a metronome every single day until you can play 20 notes per second. Its not the only way, there are other methods and techniques you can use to reach your goal, its about being an individual.
Using the film Jarhead's as an example. I was reading a review of that film recently and someone was saying how unfocused it is; mentioning that it seemed to be trying to cover all the grounds and all the different emotions that a soldier faces when in the desert, and is therefore cubersome and difficult. Well I thought he was talking the truth, but that shouldn't define whether you like the film or not.
I love it for the simple reason that it covers everything! Its the ultimate war film. Its not just about companionship; its not just about violence, or politics; its not just about feeling lost and missing home, or even the sensation of wanting to kill something. That films covers all of them with a little flying flag of colours perched neatly over its proud head. Its a film that is proud to be everything and can reach to anyone because anyone can derive whatever the **** they want from it.

But getting away from my rant and returning to your poem, the last three lines had something I could derive clarity and importance from, but thats it (they were excellent images and themes that were running through my head though). Maybe this piece just didn't click with me enitrely, its not your style that has a problem, its me and my narrow minded opinions.
#7
ROFL strangely enough aht all makes sense. even crazier is that i read it all. and aboutyour crisis. mm i think what other people think is good. i mean you shouldnt say YES I"M RIGHT F*CK YOU ALL. but i mean it's good to take other people's advice into consideration, especially people you know can write.
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
#8
Quote by me<-needs help
ROFL strangely enough aht all makes sense. even crazier is that i read it all. and aboutyour crisis. mm i think what other people think is good. i mean you shouldnt say YES I"M RIGHT F*CK YOU ALL. but i mean it's good to take other people's advice into consideration, especially people you know can write.


Cheers mate, it's good to here someone who has his head screwed on concerning his writing. To be honest, I don't care whether my work is that good, I just want it to suit my music. I want it to reflect my life and my ideas of life. My band plays wacky ****, weird alternative, underground, heavy rock and I want my lyrics to mirror that as well. Our songs don't have structure, don't have routine and they don't have one emotion, they have many...

I'm on another rant so I'll stop short. I'll be looking at your other work.