#1
Simple song. Soft, emotional in an indie rock spazzy way, straightforward rhythm.
C4C, enjoy



Should have realised when there was no sign...
No hint that we were in decline...

A sense of purpose for this boy,
A sense of feeling for this girl.

When we move, we move apart
When we hurt, we hurt the heart
All that we saw was in our eyes
All that we loved was nought but lies

I can't believe...

Should have looked outside this room...
No clue we ever crossed the moon...

A sense of purpose for this boy,
A sense of feeling for this girl.

A bit of freedom for this man,
A bit of fortune for his plan.

When we move, we move apart
When we hurt, we hurt the heart
All that we saw was in our eyes
All that we loved was nought but lies

I can't believe...


you.
Last edited by Potski at Aug 2, 2008,
#2
well UG, here we have one example of great lyrics.... you see, potski, with repeating /when we/, a sense/ a bit/ all those little things make the whole song so perfect.... it makes me feel the magic
Quote by Moggan13
Serjem is like a Bishops testicals: Swollen
ಠ_ಠ
IIIIfb * KARKOLI * ytIIII(mostly rock... a little funky, a little hard just the way you want it )
#3
Quote by Serjem
well UG, here we have one example of great lyrics.... you see, potski, with repeating /when we/, a sense/ a bit/ all those little things make the whole song so perfect.... it makes me feel the magic

coincidentally I hated the repeating, but it just kinda worked

Thanks for your kind words!
Magic is what we aim for
#4
Quote by Potski
Simple song. Soft, emotional in an indie rock spazzy way, straightforward rhythm.
C4C, enjoy



Should have realised when there was no sign...
No hint that we were in decline...
A good start/setup

A sense of purpose for this boy,
A sense of feeling for this girl.
melody makes these lines, they work or they fail

When we move, we move apart
When we hurt, we hurt the heart
All that we saw was in our eyes
All that we loved was nought but lies
I don't like nought here, maybe a cliche (I'm not sure at the moment)

I can't believe...
I'm curious as to how this is presented. Also, the more times I read it the less it fits, the tone of the song seems to infer complete awareness of the problem, not disbelief/denial

Should have looked outside this room...
No clue we ever crossed the moon...

A sense of purpose for this boy,
A sense of feeling for this girl.

A bit of freedom for this man,
A bit of fortune for his plan.

When we move, we move apart
When we hurt, we hurt the heart
All that we saw was in our eyes
All that we loved was nought but lies

I can't believe...


you.


I see you also favor ellipses...lol. I like it, though I think the the cohesion between instrumentation and vocals/vocal melody would absolutely make or break this piece. I suppose this is true to an extent with every work, but I really pick it up on this one. Sorry for the chintzy crit, I'm exhausted, but I felt like I really needed to reciprocate sooner rather than later.
#5
Quote by Firebrand
I see you also favor ellipses...lol. I like it, though I think the the cohesion between instrumentation and vocals/vocal melody would absolutely make or break this piece. I suppose this is true to an extent with every work, but I really pick it up on this one. Sorry for the chintzy crit, I'm exhausted, but I felt like I really needed to reciprocate sooner rather than later.

The ellipses were meant to infer a longer note and gap before the next line. You're right about these lyrics being very dependent on melody. This is very different to my usual lyrics so I was playing around with a few chord progressions while writing to get the right feel and structure because it was so hard to get across in words
With the "can't believe" line, I see what you mean, but it's like the problem has just come into focus, hence the first two lines. It's not the situation the protagonist can't believe, it's the other person. Whether that's what they've done, or said, or in a present sense, I'm not too sure, open to interpretation I guessss

I'd rather you get some sleep! Don't worry about critting
#6
my songs better

Sometimes I take all my clothes off and pretend I'm a velociraptor
and pounce upon my roommate's desk as would a ferocious bloodthirsty velociraptor, knocking over his lamp with my semi-erect penis.
And then I drink apple juice.