#1
poem, C4C

Pitch Black Staring Contest

This coffee is bitter,
black as night
but thankfully not as cold.

It suits the atmosphere,
your extroverted darkness
burning, clawing,
at my ideas.

“Do you think someday we’ll get out of here, sir?”

“Where, out of this room?”

“Not beyond this room, but beyond its walls.
The ones you anticipate, painted black,
so as not to allow a reflection of difference.”

“No, this room eternalizes our beings.
It is Godly. It is perfection.”

Of course,
our conversations never do stay this civil.
Head on a swivel with each hammer brought forth
to strike down, and deny vision.

So it didn’t take me long
to figure out that perhaps,
you simply keep youre blinds shut
to the natural light.

Placing mirrors every which way,
as a manifestation of yourself;
it’s just too bad you don’t have
the capability to witness it.

And you say the same for me,
but I guess in the end neither one of us can see
(Each other)
Last edited by Fate_of_Mind at Aug 3, 2008,
#2
i like it but i think it would be easier for feedback if you stated what it is?

what kinda genre is it?
or maybe a poem?

8.51/10 as a poem
cant see it being turned into a song easily but if you have a sample mp3 or anything i would love to hear it
#4
Quote by Fate_of_Mind
poem, C4C

Pitch Black Staring Contest

This coffee is bitter,
black as night
but thankfully not as cold.

It suits the atmosphere,
your extroverted darkness
clawing, burning,
at my ideas.
I don't see the first 2 stanzas really connect to the rest of the poem. But maybe that's just me. If you keep them (which you most likely will, right? lol) it might be better to write it as "burning, clawing/at my ideas;"

“Do you think someday we’ll get out of here, sir?”

“Where, out of this room?”

“Not beyond this room, but beyond its walls.
The ones you anticipate, painted black,
so as not to allow a reflection of difference.”

“No, this room eternalizes our beings,
it is Godly, it is perfection.”
Periods instead of commas, maybe?

Of course,
our conversations never do stay this civil.
Head on a swivel with each hammer brought down
to strike down, and deny vision.
I don't really like the repetition of down.. Maybe reword it some? If you want the down in there two times, maybe something like "each hammer in a downward swing,/to strike down..."

So it didn’t take me long
to figure out that perhaps,
you simply keep youre blinds shut
to the natural light.
I don't get the underlining and italicizing.. But I'm sure it has it's meaning.. Care to share? lol

Placing mirrors every which way in this room,
as a manifestation of yourself;
it’s just too bad you don’t have
the capability witness it.
I think everyone understands the focus of this piece is the room.. So maybe drop "in this room?" Also, I'm pretty sure you're missing a "to" in the last line.

And you say the same for me,
but I guess in the end neither one of us can see
(Each other)

I really like this. Although I'm sure that there's a [few/bunch of] deep meaning I'm missing. I wish I could give more crit, but I guess without seeing any meaning behind it, I can't really help out more than I have. Sorry.

I hate seeing pieces like this because I never get anything and I know there's something. Or, at least, I want there to be something. lol

Good job though.
Care to check mine? =)
http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=923271
#5
Quote by Fate_of_Mind
poem, C4C

Pitch Black Staring Contest
Just gotta say, I love the title

This coffee is bitter,
black as night
but thankfully not as cold.
Not sure about the opening section, it seems to be a rather mundane start to a song with such an interesting name

It suits the atmosphere,
your extroverted darkness
clawing, burning,
at my ideas.
I like this much more, it sets the scene and draws the audience in
“Do you think someday we’ll get out of here, sir?”

“Where, out of this room?”

“Not beyond this room, but beyond its walls.
The ones you anticipate, painted black,
so as not to allow a reflection of difference.”

“No, this room eternalizes our beings,
it is Godly, it is perfection.”

This section is strange, but I really think it is the best part of the peice. It's just wierd and makes the audience want to know more.

Of course,
our conversations never do stay this civil.
Head on a swivel with each hammer brought down
to strike down, and deny vision.

So it didn’t take me long
to figure out that perhaps,
you simply keep youre blinds shut
to the natural light.

Placing mirrors every which way in this room,
as a manifestation of yourself;
it’s just too bad you don’t have
the capability witness it.

And you say the same for me,
but I guess in the end neither one of us can see
(Each other)

While these last few sections are well worded, they don't seem to fit with the rest of the poem. They don't seem to follow on from the speech before hand. I get what your going for, but I dislike the lack of continuity, but that is possibly just me


A good piece of work over all, but not without it's flaws, with some retouches it could be even better.

If you have time could you crit my song? :
Break Away

Ignore the people who seem to want to discuss other artists in my lyric thread lol.
All I want is for everyone to go to hell...
...It's the last place I was seen before I lost myself



Quote by DisarmGoliath
You can be the deputy llamma of the recordings forum!
#6
Thank you guys for the crit

Quote by Garb
I really like this. Although I'm sure that there's a [few/bunch of] deep meaning I'm missing. I wish I could give more crit, but I guess without seeing any meaning behind it, I can't really help out more than I have. Sorry.

I hate seeing pieces like this because I never get anything and I know there's something. Or, at least, I want there to be something. lol

Good job though.
Care to check mine? =)
http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=923271


The underline and italics in that one part are just used to divide two separate ideas in those two words. One flows with the sentence as:

"you simply keep your blinds shut"

But with the addition of the underlined characters, "your" becomes "you're", and I have everything except for the "s" on "blinds" italicized. So it turns into a little quick jab saying "you're blind". This entire poem is actually about a debate, argument, conversation, whatever you'd like to call it, with a nazi. The other day I was added into an msn conversation with some people from Croatia and I ended up in this with one person for about an hour. It left some strange feelings in me, bad feelings. Some of the stuff that was said by this guy was just disgraceful to humankind and in the end it all came out in this poem. Hopefully that'll help with some meaning translation.

But thank you again, and I'll get around to your piece soon

Quote by ChemicalFire
A good piece of work over all, but not without it's flaws, with some retouches it could be even better.

If you have time could you crit my song? :
Break Away

Ignore the people who seem to want to discuss other artists in my lyric thread lol.


Thanks for the crit, it was helpful I'll be sure to revise this carefully sometime soon.

And I'll also take a look at your piece soon.
#7
Quote by Fate_of_Mind
poem, C4C

Pitch Black Staring Contest
Title is excellent.

This coffee is bitter,
black as night
but thankfully not as cold.

It suits the atmosphere,
your extroverted darkness
clawing, burning,
at my ideas.
Would it be possible to make the 2nd stanza here 3 lines? I think it'd just fit better. Or, now that I think about it, it kind of does give a decent effect. I don't know, i'm on the fence on that. Just tossing the idea around

“Do you think someday we’ll get out of here, sir?”

“Where, out of this room?”

“Not beyond this room, but beyond its walls.
The ones you anticipate, painted black,
so as not to allow a reflection of difference.”

“No, this room eternalizes our beings.
It is Godly. It is perfection.”
That last line is the pinnacle of this piece. I love it. Excellent dialog as well, especially after reading your explanation

Of course,
our conversations never do stay this civil.
Head on a swivel with each hammer brought down
to strike down, and deny vision.
I like the quick civil/swivel rhyme, but I don't like the repetition of down. I'm not sure how to change it though. I'd change one of the downs to "forth", personally.

So it didn’t take me long
to figure out that perhaps,
you simply keep youre blinds shut
to the natural light.
After reading the explanation for the underlines and italics, bravo. You're a much more clever man than I

Placing mirrors every which way in this room,
as a manifestation of yourself;
it’s just too bad you don’t have
the capability to witness it.
Ditch "in this room," I think it'd be better off without it. I do see the reason for it to be there though, room = chat room.

And you say the same for me,
but I guess in the end neither one of us can see
(Each other)



You're my favorite writer on this site, Fate_of_Mind. I absolutely love your style. It's essentially the style I wish I could write in. In keeping with poetry, if you could C4C Crocodile Evening in my sig, that'd be marvelous