#1
From across an ocean
I gave that hero’s welcome
I gave and still give
to a British crown hero
crack and some heroin
horse hero to the people
of acoustic guitar passages
and soft melodic phrases

I sped through the stopsigns
in the night time countryside
drunk and high
in my car
in the darkness
in homage
to my newfound British hero

I listened to his album
driving home so drunk one night
and although no cops saw
I did a thousand dollars damage
to my car
and I got into a fight
in homage
to my newfound British hero

I spent afternoons
with an icebox, an acoustic,
a hitter and a camera
when I could have been
completely anathema with him
because he’s the best
since Kurt Cobain

I’ve given up the steady job
with 20k in student loans
they’re bearing down on me
but instead I devote my time
goes all to creativity
partially, anyway
because he’s the best
since Kurt Cobain

I was in Fulda, Germany
and I needed food and cigarettes
so I played his songs out on the street
and for awhile a young man watched me
left with a smile on his face
and a 5 euro bill in my case

I was in Munich, Germany
Afghani guy spit in my face
at Hauptbahnhof’s big Burger King
as I was an American
later people being nice to me
and people saying “9/11” to me
“you look just like a terrorist”
I should have said “I’m American,
but don’t hold it against me”

I think it was just yesterday
I read on our hero’s forum
someone at the show the night before
wrote about what happened
an American girl requested a song
“I came all the way from America to see you!”
and this was the wicked wretched response
from my hero
“as soon
as you lot stop bombing Iraq, then I’ll play it”
the crowd was said to have laughed
and the girl, probably faded
likely faded.
likely smashed.
likely sunk.

It helped me realize
that real heroes don’t exist

And I was just driving drunk.
Last edited by parkt921k at Aug 2, 2008,
#2
Quote by parkt921k
From across an ocean
a hero’s welcome I gave for years
and have continued to give
to a hero of the British crown
So far, your structure seems loose, and your rhythm made it seem looser. Intro's are a particularly important place to flex that muscle, because it sets the tone and rhythm for the rest of the piece. Maybe your rhythm makes sense after this, but I won't be able to tell until another stanza goes through the ole noggin. My advice is to focus on the natural sense stress of words, and emply a rhythm with that.
a slave to crack and heroin
a hero to the people
of soft melodic phrases
and acoustic guitar passages
Because this is your first rhyme, its strength is somewhat limited. There's no anticipation of the line, which hurt its strength for me.

I sped through stopsigns
in the countryside
drunk and high
in my car
in the darkness
in homage to this hero
Only the middle of this was structured, and it shows. Drunk and high / in my car / in the darkness. That flows naturally, whilst the first two did not. "Dark-" was a good rhyme by the way, as it enforces the rhythm mentioned, whilst still getting the desired word.

I listened to his album
driving home so drunk one night
and although no cops saw
did a thousand dollars damage
to my car
How'd stumpy get in there?
in homage to the hero
across an ocean from me
Aside from stumpy, I saw a developing rhythm, which is good.

I spent afternoons
with an icebox, an acoustic,
a hitter and a camera
These two were good on rhythm...
out in the countryside
...this was not. If you want to stop the strict rhythm here, wait until you reach the end of the four lines. As a matter of fact, the two mentioned before are offset as it is. Move them up or down one line.
next to a lake I’d found
This just doesn't feel right. Because you previously said "countryside", the natural inclination is "the countryside next to a lake", which doesn't make any sense. The line isn't worth changing the stanza for, so just ditch it.
and recorded a few versions
of some of his tunes
and put them on the internet
in homage to him
the best since Kurt Cobain
No rhyme really hurt this. I couldn't really find anything exciting in here, regarding language used, or a great idea expressed.

I’ve given up a steady job
in the professional world
at least for the time being
and have 20k in student loans
Did not like this. "Proofessional" felt like a bad word choice, both for rhythm and in conjuction with "world". And line three did absolutely nothing for me.
bearing down on me
to devote my self to creativity
partially, anyway
Decent internal rhymes here, although they could be better if the second line was shorter.
in homage to my new hero

I played his songs on the street
in Fulda, Germany
when the money didn’t come through
and I needed food and cigarettes
and a young man
sat and watched me play his songs
for twenty or so odd minutes
and left with a big smile on his face
and a 5 euro bill in my guitar case
The rhymes here felt sporadic and inconsistent. The stanza as a whole also seemed a little long winded. The last five lines didn't really add to the whole story at all. It shouldn't take five whole lines to tell us that someone gave you money, especially when it's poorly expressed and boring.

About three months later
at the BK at Munich’s Hauptbahnhof
a guy from Afghanistan
spit in my face
at about 4am
because I was an American.
I’d met a group of Germans on the street
and a Turk immediately told me “9/11, 9/11”
when I said I was an American
I should have said
"I'm American, but don't hold it against me"
Used the word "American" too much. The rhythm was again sporadic, though the rhyming tried to hold it together. That endeavor could have worked if "American" wasn't used so much.

I met another guy
at Studentenstadt in Munich
when I was introduced as an American
he said “you look like Osama Bin Laden”
first thing, only thing, he said to me
and he wasn’t smiling
I should have said
"I'm an American, but don't hold it against me"
Hard to get the rhythm.

And all this time later
about two weeks ago
I read on our hero’s internet forum
(and we could really use some heros these days)
someone who’d been to his show the night before
said an American girl requested a song
and said
“I came all the way from America to see you!”
and he said
“as soon as you lot stop bombing Iraq, I’ll play it”
she was described as looking downtrodden
the crowd was described as ‘ROFL’
Meh, okay. It makes sense, but I wasn't really attatched to it.

And the more I think of it
hearing this talk from my hero
almost to me the same thing
as those three out of many anti-American run-ins
Get rid of this enntire thing. The reader has already figured this out.

From my hero?
From him?
I have to hear this from him now?
No flow, no real purpose. Cut it.

Now, he is still one of my beloved heroes
his songs..
Waaaaaay too short.
But it was a realization to me
a realization
Why twice?
that real heroes don’t exist
Couldn't get a rhythm.

And I was just driving drunk.


Overall, I didn't like it. It took too long to explain certain scenes that had no real importance, and it used no great imagery, rhythms, rhymes, or well-put thoughts to make it interesting.
#3
Hey ninja, thanks for the critique. I edited it down, but, I'm not so sure that there's much of a future for this one. Next few posts I make will be more in my style, the style of "But I wanted to be gay, ma!", which I'd posted about a week ago. I'll be sure to check some more of your stuff out
#4
I liked the edited version, but the lines weren't always cohherent. I just wanted to say that, to let you know you're on the right track so far. Doing a mass edit like that is bound to lose some coherency, so that's no biggie. At least the rhythm was good, and you even got "countryside" to work!
#5
This wasn't half bad.

For mostly the first half, maybe most, a lot of the exution felt a little immaturely done. For example, the Cobain references, the cliche way you have some stuff like "thousand dollar damage" , the drugs and fights etc. It all felt pretty, well, forced. The idea was cool and the ending was wel done, but some of it read like it was more for style rather than the actual substance. I'm fairly sure you could say the same amount (or more) if you cut out a lot of the pap, the pop cultural stuff, the almost egotistical build up (as in the writer in you not letting go and wanting to put as much in as possible) and it would give the piece a much stronger pay off.

Like I said, this weren't half bad, but much of it seemed like shank, or filler, which in turn made the ending a lot flatter.