#1
nine years younger
and you'd be hitting [on] her today
if the stubble and the haze had not
grown out to the point
where they distract
and cause rashes in places
where rashes in turn cause distress
and it was a test when she said
I can't kiss you cos it hurts
the little bits of hair feel like
a thousand breezes up my skirt
and I can't carry on in this vein
can't carry on pretending that you are the same

have to be older
can't let yourself get in a strop
what with this table top turning
the candle light burning
the curtain, the outside is ash
and the black is spreading round
like a very nasty rash
and it was a test when she said
we can't leave these confines
until we've sorted this thing out
and I don't want to shout
but if I have to I will raise my voice
to be heard
above you
above you

lit by the lantern she held
our faces were half caste
and every miserable word
was as cold as the draught

she looked so frightened to see me go
so I turned and I waved a goodbye
and then I said well actually I would like to know
then courage bolted out the fucking door

nine years younger (but you'd have to be older)
to see her today (to love her today)
and she can't kiss you cos it hurts
(she can't kiss you cos she hurts)
you can't carry on pretending that you are the same
(can't carry on pretending that you have changed)

ah, ah
oh, no


Song.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Aug 2, 2008,
#2
Immediately I didn't much like the title, Woulds instead of Woods.

Right away it seems like the piece is about a guy beating his girlfriend. I didn't much like 1000 breezes up her skirt. I like the ambivalence about being born too early or too late, not the right age, etc. I don't know what a strop is. the candle light burning
the curtain, the outside is ash
I liked these two lines quite a bit. I didn't much like the mentions of rashes. Don't like the mental imagery of a rash too much.

lit by the lantern she held
our faces were half caste

i liked these lines

she looked so frightened to see me go
so I turned and I waved a goodbye

- do these lines mean that there was fond love and safety between the two?

nine years younger (but you'd have to be older)
to see her today (to love her today)
and she can't kiss you cos it hurts
(she can't kiss you cos she hurts)
you can't carry on pretending that you are the same
(can't carry on pretending that you have changed)


i think this part would be better with everything in parentheses omitted:

nine years younger
to see her today
and she can't kiss you cos it hurts
you can't carry on pretending that you are the same

ah, ah
oh, no


here's my two cent edit:

nine years younger
hitting her today
grown to a point
the stubble and the haze

they distract
cause distress
I can't kiss you cos it hurts

the little bits of hair
I can't carry on in this vein
pretending that you are the same

we can't leave these confines
until we've sorted this thing out
I don’t want to shout

have to be older
the candle light burning
the curtain, the outside is ash
the black is spreading

lit by the lantern she held
our faces were half caste
and every miserable word
was cold

she looked frightened to see me go
so I turned and I waved a goodbye
I would like to know

courage bolted out the ****ing door

nine years younger
to see her today
she can't kiss you cos it hurts
you can’t keep on
pretending that you are the same

ah, ah
oh, no
#3
First a start, great little title!

Secondly, I love the way you have branched out. Maybe you have already done this and I have been unaware of it, but for me, this is new and I'm likin' it.

- "what with this table top turning" - I'm not keen on this analogy personally, but I'm griping at sky hooks here.

- "the candle light burning
the curtain, the outside is ash
and the black is spreading round
like a very nasty rash" - In fact, this whole section didn't click with me.

- "sorted" is an ugly word as well.

Not much more to say. A tad long for my personal taste, but seeing as its so original to you, I will easily forgive.

Great work mate.

Digitally Clean
#4
Alright, here's my take.

I loved the usage of irregular and internal rhymes. Your flow and continuity was f***ing perfect. What I didn't like as much was some of the word selections. "1000 breezes" wasn't too bad, but the repeated usage of "rashes" annoyed me. Still, the way this piece moved about was superb. Very nice.
#5
Quote by AngryGoldfish
First a start, great little title!

Secondly, I love the way you have branched out. Maybe you have already done this and I have been unaware of it, but for me, this is new and I'm likin' it.

- "what with this table top turning" - I'm not keen on this analogy personally, but I'm griping at sky hooks here.

- "the candle light burning
the curtain, the outside is ash
and the black is spreading round
like a very nasty rash" - In fact, this whole section didn't click with me.

- "sorted" is an ugly word as well.

Not much more to say. A tad long for my personal taste, but seeing as its so original to you, I will easily forgive.

Great work mate.

Digitally Clean


it's the sort of stuff that made me in this form two years ago.

not so much now.

Thanks everyone, thoughts and points noted. Please link me up if you want something back.
#6
Quote by Jammydude44
it's the sort of stuff that made me in this form two years ago.

not so much now.

Thanks everyone, thoughts and points noted. Please link me up if you want something back.


My link's in my sig, but it's been up for around five days, with plenty of crits. I don't know if it's proper to bring something like that back to life. It's up to you.
#9
nine years younger
and you'd be hitting [on] her today
if the stubble and the haze had not
grown out to the point
where they distract
and cause rashes in places
where rashes in turn cause distress
and it was a test when she said
I can't kiss you cos it hurts
the little bits of hair feel like
a thousand breezes up my skirt
and I can't carry on in this vein
can't carry on pretending that you are the same
mm i dont really ahve much to say about this.. it's disturbing. but i'm intrigued

have to be older
can't let yourself get in a strop
what with this table top turning
the candle light burning
the curtain, the outside is ashnice i love these lines
and the black is spreading round
like a very nasty rash
and it was a test when she said
we can't leave these confinesnice word confines. dont hear it often
until we've sorted this thing out
and I don't want to shout
but if I have to I will raise my voice
to be heard
above you
above youi think the repeat is unnecessary

lit by the lantern she held
our faces were half caste
and every miserable word
was as cold as the draught
nice this was aight.

she looked so frightened to see me go
so I turned and I waved a goodbye
and then I said well actually I would like to know
then courage bolted out the ****ing door
mmm you relaly lost me in this stanza.

nine years younger (but you'd have to be older)
to see her today (to love her today)
and she can't kiss you cos it hurts
(she can't kiss you cos she hurts)
you can't carry on pretending that you are the same
(can't carry on pretending that you have changed)
nice i like the closing

ah, ah
oh, no

mm overall. i thought ti was pretty well written. disturbing but well written. the 2nd to last stanza really threw me off though. sorry i relaly dont have too much to add, smirks* i tired. u can look at one of mine if you would like. some of them are quite old i must warn you haha.
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
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