#1
Basically just an alternative/punk/indie type song I wrote the other day.

well my girlfriend was leaving town for a week
and my choices for meals were looking quite bleak
so i hopped into my van and drove to the store
after stocking my cart with food, i needed some more
i figured that t.v. dinners might be a good choice
so i headed to the frozen food aisle and began to rejoice
freshly stocked with lunchables, it was food fit for superman
but when i opened the freezer i saw a human hand

the thing was all bloody and completely new and fresh
i hadn't noticed the sign- there was a sale on human flesh
i screamed and stumbled backwards into the deli's chef
blood splattered on his vest- his name tag read jeff
"may i help you?", he said "we have a special on teens.
they're hard to acquire but we have our means.
and if you would fancy, i'd like to make a toast
it's buy one get one free on old ladies rump roasts!"

so this terrible place, that was both morbid and sick
was reminiscent of something from a b-movie horror flick
i started to leave, but the cashier caught me by surprise
and tied me down to a chair, and locked me inside
they made some jello with my ears, lips, and nose
and they made nathan's hotdogs out of my toes
so if you go by in your car, keep driving don't park it
don't ever think of entering the cannibal's super market
#2
sounds like a Cannibal Corpse song to me personally.
Quote by metalcore123
I hate trying to cover up my cheese in school because the bimbo next to me dislikes the smell of pure love.

I'm bringing farts back!
#4
Quote by MyNameBeMikal
The humor and rhyme scheme reminds me of this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I-XuMvxi-vc
...which isn't a bad thing.


ahh beck... gotta love that man.
Quote by metalcore123
I hate trying to cover up my cheese in school because the bimbo next to me dislikes the smell of pure love.

I'm bringing farts back!
#5
It kinda sounds like a kids poem to be honest. I don't like AABBCCDD rhyming schemes, the long lines and mediocre flow don't really help either.
All I want is for everyone to go to hell...
...It's the last place I was seen before I lost myself



Quote by DisarmGoliath
You can be the deputy llamma of the recordings forum!
#6
Quote by ChemicalFire
It kinda sounds like a kids poem to be honest. I don't like AABBCCDD rhyming schemes, the long lines and mediocre flow don't really help either.


i think its kinda catchy personally. work on some of the lyrics to make it flow better.
Quote by metalcore123
I hate trying to cover up my cheese in school because the bimbo next to me dislikes the smell of pure love.

I'm bringing farts back!
#7
Quote by SoftParade1967
i think its kinda catchy personally. work on some of the lyrics to make it flow better.


If the lines were shorter, it could be way catchier. For the mo they seem to long. I'd need to hear it to see if it worked. For me it sounds like a bad rap or something.
All I want is for everyone to go to hell...
...It's the last place I was seen before I lost myself



Quote by DisarmGoliath
You can be the deputy llamma of the recordings forum!
#8
Quote by ChemicalFire
It kinda sounds like a kids poem to be honest. I don't like AABBCCDD rhyming schemes, the long lines and mediocre flow don't really help either.


too bad
#9
Quote by Kyle7792
too bad


I'm just offering my opinion, don't try and throw my opinion at me like it's wrong or something
All I want is for everyone to go to hell...
...It's the last place I was seen before I lost myself



Quote by DisarmGoliath
You can be the deputy llamma of the recordings forum!
#10
Quote by ChemicalFire
If the lines were shorter, it could be way catchier. For the mo they seem to long. I'd need to hear it to see if it worked. For me it sounds like a bad rap or something.


that is true. record it make a video then post it on youtube. show us how you have it. Then we could tell you if it needs to flow better. Since we dont know the music and flow of the lines how would we know if it worked or not?
Quote by metalcore123
I hate trying to cover up my cheese in school because the bimbo next to me dislikes the smell of pure love.

I'm bringing farts back!
#11
Quote by ChemicalFire
It kinda sounds like a kids poem to be honest. I don't like AABBCCDD rhyming schemes, the long lines and mediocre flow don't really help either.


I 100 percent agree. Too long of lines, inconsistant flow.