#1
With all the lies that hate breeds,
It’s a surprise I can still see.

What my eyes see makes my mind bleed,
Lives wasted with the greatest of ease

Just so giants can live in denial,
Caused by their actions, they need to go on trial

What makes you any different from me?
We both look in the mirror and hate what we see.

What my eyes see makes my mind bleed
A child killed for his beliefs

When do right and wrong collide?
Where do they end and where do they tie?

‘Cause shoes are for communists
They only form greed,
My body is aching but my mind is clean.

‘Cause shoes are for communist
That’s something for real,
‘Cause shoes are for communists
And baby I just don’t believe.

As the title says, it's a work in progress. Also this is my first real attempt at writing lyrics.
Quote by thefitz
Interesting. It turns out that there are people on the forum who play an upright bass. I'll make a note of that.

*makes note*

*puts note on wall*

*stares at note for a minute*

*sits back down and resumes doing what I was doing*
#2
i like it so far. good job man.
Quote by metalcore123
I hate trying to cover up my cheese in school because the bimbo next to me dislikes the smell of pure love.

I'm bringing farts back!
#3
Thanks man. I appreciate the compliment
Quote by thefitz
Interesting. It turns out that there are people on the forum who play an upright bass. I'll make a note of that.

*makes note*

*puts note on wall*

*stares at note for a minute*

*sits back down and resumes doing what I was doing*
#4
Quote by PunkRocker33133
With all the lies that hate breeds,
It’s a surprise I can still see.
This opening is a corker!

What my eyes see makes my mind bleed,
I personally found the repetition of "eyes" here to be cubersome and not entirely neccesary. "bleed" and "breed" are not two words I enjoy seeing together like this either.
Lives wasted with the greatest of ease

Just so giants can live in denial,
Caused by their actions, they need to go on trial
I know how difficult rhyming can be so you have to very careful. It didn't seem like you cared what you wrote here; its quite poor. The image of a "giant" on "trial" with a large haired judge slamming down a hammer and this enormous beast looking blushed and desparaged, wondering what judgement will be passed down upon him. Its just ridiculous really. So much so that I found it funny. I'm not trying to be a pain in your ass mate, I'm really not, I just don't see this as being neccesary and certainly not effective and retaining this piece's strong sense of anger and confidence.

What makes you any different from me?
We both look in the mirror and hate what we see.
Not bad here mate. It lends this a more personal ear.

What my eyes see makes my mind bleed
A child killed for his beliefs
Too ambiguous. I know what you are trying to say, but I only know that because I am fully aware of the trying and difficult situations some people are forced to retire into. You need to either leave out this random sharp attack or involve it more into the song; evolve it so to speak.

When do right and wrong collide?
Where do they end and where do they tie?
A cliche you could try and avoid with "tie".

‘Cause shoes are for communists
They only form greed,
My body is aching but my mind is clean.
The first line has some great images that one can conjure up in his personal space, but the next two lines just tell us what to think. Try and let the simple words of the first line give us an idea of what to imagine. Let the reader do the work. Less is more.

‘Cause shoes are for communist
That’s something for real,
‘Cause shoes are for communists
And baby I just don’t believe.
"baby" doesn't add the neccesary emotion and homely feel you may of been trying to instill. I am not aware of another method or layout of words that would effectively alter this, I am terrible at adding a more affluent option - I can only gripe and moan - so I am just going to say it's not a great ending.

As the title says, it's a work in progress. Also this is my first real attempt at writing lyrics.


This was quite an achievement for a first song mate. You had some really great lines in here that deffinitely deserve more attention. Try and focus on letting the reader comprehend it in his own manner and try and avoid some simple cliches. Remove the third verse as well; I don't like it.
Keep up the good work and rejoin yourself to this song, one day it might be all clear and perfect for you.
I have only been this harsh as a way of helping you, as so many have helped me over the last few months on this forum. Plus, you did mention this was a work in progress, so I saw it fit to groan as much as I can and grab at anything that stuck out uncomfortably.

Digitally Clean
#5
Thanks for the honest review, I really had no clue where to start or what to write. I just started writing and posted it to see what UG would think. I'm definitely gonna develop it more and repost/bump this thread with the updated version.
Quote by thefitz
Interesting. It turns out that there are people on the forum who play an upright bass. I'll make a note of that.

*makes note*

*puts note on wall*

*stares at note for a minute*

*sits back down and resumes doing what I was doing*