#1
c4c. Attempting rhythm, see if you can dig it, yo.


Optimistic cynicism,
faithless men guiding
world religion.
Lighting our paths with
a broken lantern,
and speaking in false tongues.

Unholy priests
flex their pecs
and sprint toward world apocalypse,
Carrying us
on broken backs
and yodelling sweet tunes:

Yoda lay-ee.
yodo lo.
Hi-ho hi-ho the end is nigh.
Yoda lay-ee.
Yodo lo.
The time has come to say goodbye
to preaching falsely and faking sighs
for the dying patients' closing eyes.
Hi-ho hi-ho the end is nigh!
#2
Quote by ZanasCross


Optimistic cynicism,
faithless men guiding
world religion.
Lighting our paths with
a broken lantern,
and speaking in false tongues.
Wow. I really like this. At first I just looked at the thread name and glanced, but then came back to see what it was about. I just read this first part and it drew me in. You already have me lol. Very catchy idea with speaking in false tounge.

Unholy priests
flex their pecs
and sprint toward world apocalypse,
Carrying us
on broken backs
and yodelling sweet tunes:
I like the flexing pecs haha. just makes me want to read more of it. Very creative lingo in this.

Yoda lay-ee.
yodo lo.
Hi-ho hi-ho the end is nigh.
Yoda lay-ee.
Yodo lo.
The time has come to say goodbye
to preaching falsely and faking sighs
for the dying patients' closing eyes.
Hi-ho hi-ho the end is nigh!
A song about the beginning of the end. Couldn't have put a more perfect ending on this in my opinion.



Overall this is amazing. I read how you were going for rhythm. I really enjoyed how it wasn't straight rhythm i guess. I loved how it's about a deep feeling of modern religious practice. Perfect.

P.S. I would ask you to crit something of mine. But i don't have anything up right now. When I do just look out for me fair?
#3
Optimistic cynicism,
faithless men guiding
world religion.mm indiffrent. try to. word diffrently?
Lighting our paths with
a broken lantern,i like this analogy. cool
and speaking in false tongues.mm

Unholy priestsack cliche
flex their pecs
and sprint toward world apocalypse,i like this
Carrying us
on broken backs
and yodelling sweet tunes:interesting yodelling doesnt seem to fit. just sounds.. wrong. iono yodelling i think of like people in the mountians singing and ****. and thats jsut funny. and that doenst really fit

Yoda lay-ee.
yodo lo.once again same thing as the top
Hi-ho hi-ho the end is nigh.
Yoda lay-ee.
Yodo lo.i'm dont like this. jsut sounds.. dumb
The time has come to say goodbye
to preaching falsely and faking sighs
for the dying patients' closing eyes.
Hi-ho hi-ho the end is nigh!i think your ending is a bit disappointing..

mm over all i dont think this was yoru best. mm some of it was. prettty good and some of it was cliche. i think that the yodaling was. misplaced, not to say it's not original but i think this isnt hte piece for it. mm over all tho it's not awful. look at one of mine? iono youdont have to but u can if u want
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
#4
ROFl you got 2 totally diffrent crits haha.
double post FTW
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
#5
Quote by ZanasCross
c4c. Attempting rhythm, see if you can dig it, yo.


Optimistic cynicism,
faithless men guiding
world religion.
Lighting our paths with
a broken lantern,
This may work better with broken lanterns?
and speaking in false tongues.
This line didn't quite reach up the rythym that I was anticipating after reading the openers. Maybe that it is a good thing, maybe it isn't.

Unholy priests
flex their pecs
and sprint toward world apocalypse,
Carrying us
on broken backs
and yodelling sweet tunes:
I'm starting to retain a more fluent sense of the rythym and its quite tasty!

Yoda lay-ee.
yodo lo.
Hi-ho hi-ho the end is nigh.
Yoda lay-ee.
Yodo lo.
Am I missing something here with the yodelling theme? I'm not asking you to ring out a number of my ideas and siphon out the correct one through my litter of misconceptions. I'm just asking a rhetorical question, what the **** does it mean?!
The time has come to say goodbye
to preaching falsely and faking sighs
for the dying patients' closing eyes.
Hi-ho hi-ho the end is nigh!
Hehe, nice ending. Nice humour included which certainly helped me understand what you are like as a person and what is going on in your head.


That is what I love about this. I feel like I can connect with you through these lyrics. I may not agree with anything you wright or comprehend what you mean excatly (I'm not saying I don't though), but I acquire a sense of who you are and what is going on through your head, in general, not necessarily concerning a particular piece.
Your humour and sadistic approach is so enviable and artistic that it's hard not to enjoy your writing so much.
I also love this because of how disconnected I feel. It's the opposite of what you expect. Because it's so easy to read and re-read, you can derive whatever the hell from it as it seems like each word has a mathamatical equation hidden behind it, not really cornered in secret, but not really on show either.
I have pondered over this at least 15 times by now and each time I am conjuring a new idea and thought process which then forces me to trail off the track and onto something more beaten down and disturbing, something I imagine you are glad of?

Digitally Clean
#6
Thanks everyone so far. Glad you all are enjoying it to some extent at least.

The yodel does have a reason... a very defined one (at least in my head) though it probably isn't too easily deciphered. If you want to know, PM me.

me needs: I'll get back to you soon. It seems your main qualm is with the yodelling part, and I promise there is a reason. But I appreciate your words and will certainly get back to you soon.

Gyser: Just PM me a link when you put one up, my naturey friend. Thanks for the kind words.

HappyJellyfish: That is precisely what I hope happens with every one of my pieces. You read it... you go, What the Hell was he smoking? You re-read it and draw all sorts of meaning from it. You feel disconnected AND connected at the same time and in the end walk outside and kick a puppy out of frustration. (The puppy is perfectly fine, you didn't kick him hard) then you walk back inside and re-read and finally realize that there is a personal meaning to you that you didn't get at first, but you were still intrigued enough at first to read again. Thanks for your words, I'll get to banananananananananas soon.
#7
mm waht is the use of the yodeling. just halla back here. too lazy to pm besides i enver use that crap
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
#8
The yodeling is supposed to signify mountain men. The deeper you delve into mountains and backwoods areas (at least 'round here) the more "primitive" they become and thus, the more hellfire and brimstone. It's a round-about way of commenting on the type of religion I am attacking in the piece, indirectly. The type where they sit around and tell people they are going to hell instead of using the "love" approach.
#9
Ahhh hahah i get it. nice. yea totally didnt get that. i was like.. mmmm how queer(as in strange not homosexual -.-) O.o never heard anythign like taht
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
#10
Quote by ZanasCross
It's a round-about way of commenting on the type of religion I am attacking in the piece, indirectly.
hmm. but relijun no heet bak, yong grasshopper?

i believe the particular rhythm used for the piece = win.
it kinda reminds me of watching some B-rated independent film, and as you said, played by a number of hill-jacks who are preaching the gospel; tribal rhythm/medieval style.
i found it humorous/relatively weird(in a good way) in the last stanza. it actually bothered me slightly. good job man.
and thanks for the words on mine.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#11
I actually have some useful opinions on this. What? Sam has a useful opinion on a poem on UG? Shocking, I know. Unfortunately, I am tired, so I'll let my thoughts brighten up your day tomorrow.

My ego's not really this big, by the by.
#12
It's really, really clever. I haven't yet figured out if I like it, per se, but without doubt I'm impressed by it.

IMO, the tune could make or break these lyrics. A good one, they become great lyrics. A bad one, it sounds like you're clever, but this was something you wrote stoned, that seemed like a good idea at the time but wasn't.

You're on the edge of a knife. On one side - genius, on the other - insanity.
#13
Quote by ZanasCross
c4c. Attempting rhythm, see if you can dig it, yo.
the rhythm is the only thing i'm not diggin on this one, Zach.

the meter is complex and doesn't have strong pattern repetition.
the piece itself is good. and it stands up well.
but if you're going for rhythm, work on it a bit.

Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#14
Quote by me<-needs help
]mm over all i dont think this was yoru best. mm some of it was. prettty good and some of it was cliche. i think that the yodaling was. misplaced, not to say it's not original but i think this isnt hte piece for it. mm over all tho it's not awful. look at one of mine? iono youdont have to but u can if u want


could you please elaborate as to what exactly was cliché here?

also, i'd like to hear your reason for saying the yodelling was "misplaced"? is there, infact, a real reason, or is it just because you thought it sounded "dumb"?
#15
The rhythm here was great, very flowing. I think it (like all your pieces) has a good point, and avoids any damaging cliches, but some of the phrasing was a step down from your other work. "flex their pecs" "world religion" and "The time has come to say goodbye" were all somewhat bland lines.

IMHO, it was a worthwhile sacrifice for the great rhythm you established here. I really enjoyed the yodeling part, "Hi-ho, Hi-ho, the end is nigh" was a fun line. Didn't really understand it until I read the explanation, but it was interesting anyways.
#16
The first three lines in S1/S2 almost gave me heart-failure (in a good way). The rhythm is good, and combined with the actual content, amazing. But then the last three lines yelled Clear! and slapped me across the face. It's not due to lack of rhyme (though I did enjoying that component especially), just lack of anything really interesting. Until the last stanza - which retains its awesometude all the way through - you seem to lose interest yourself after the first half, and just add something that'll fit so you can get to your next idea in the next stanza.

It's definitely not my favorite piece from you, or even top 5, but certain parts of it were up there.

Unholy priests
flex their pecs
and sprint toward world apocalypse,

that = pants change
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#17
I really liked it because of the structure you used. It was very interesting to see it from you and although there's always room to work on it more I think this can be a very good thing for you.

As for the content... yeah, it's a subject you deal with a lot and deal with it well. It reminds me back when Keeno was all into writing about churches. You should probably look into his work. He's very classic in his writing about it though. Not quite as controversial.
This is not a pipe
#18
Quote by ZanasCross
c4c. Attempting rhythm, see if you can dig it, yo.


Optimistic cynicism,
After several reads, this was great. It had a sort of parallelism, because it's two words of four syllables each. Sense stress was spot on, and there was even some alliteration in there.
faithless men guiding
world religion.
This line didn't stand out to me. It seemed as if none of the syllables really had an emphasis put on it, so it just felt like you skim through it, unrhythmically.
Lighting our paths with
a broken lantern,
and speaking in false tongues.
Basic set. Rhythm is so so.

Unholy priests
flex their pecs
and sprint toward world apocalypse,
Good rhyme, methinks.
Carrying us
on broken backs
and yodelling sweet tunes:
This could have used a rhyme. It doesn't feel right for it to have the same meter, the same triplet format, and yet not rhyme.

Yoda lay-ee.
yodo lo.
Hi-ho hi-ho the end is nigh.
Yoda lay-ee.
Yodo lo.
The time has come to say goodbye
It's hard for me to tell if yodeling is rhythmic, but it can definitly work. Your sense stress has been great so far.
to preaching falsely and faking sighs
for the dying patients' closing eyes.
Hi-ho hi-ho the end is nigh!


Overall, your attempt at rhythm was fairly successful, though it didn't feel like the rhythm gave it that kick that I've seen you display. It seemed as if the piece was somewhat short, and that meant that you had little margin for error. There wasn't a whole lot of great rhymes, and I think that hurt the piece.

Still, fairly good.
#19
Quote by ZanasCross
c4c. Attempting rhythm, see if you can dig it, yo.

I come to play.


Optimistic cynicism,
faithless men guiding
world religion.
Lighting our paths with
a broken lantern,
and speaking in false tongues.
As of here I'm digging the flow and so far this is the most compelling poetic argument you have given about religion ever. I would change "guiding" to something with a single syllable, I think it would help quite a bit. hell (pun intended) even just replacing it with "and" or something similar would help. The lantern is the single best image I have read from you because of it's simplicity. the last line only works for me if you set it up. Foreshadowing is your friend. Remember that. if you show the audience (subtley of course) that they were aware of your intentions earlier in the piece (after reading all of it of course) your ethos will go through the roof. As of now this last line does nothing to advance the content and seems to be there solely for the flow.

Unholy priests
flex their pecs
and sprint toward world apocalypse,
Carrying us
on broken backs
and yodelling sweet tunes:
Again, lines four and five are great. that is an example of poetic wit that is not overdone, just factual and rooted in a concrete image. I hated the second line, and in my mind that ruined the piece. The sophistication and mysticism I was so drawn to previously (and in lines 4 and 5) was broken down. It is not a bad idea by any means but it stuck out like a sore thumb jammed down my throat to make me throw up a little in my mouth. I liked the idea continuation in line three and actually thought that was rather clever (though I would start that line with "while" and not "and" to make the connection clearer) but again, it just didnt seem to fit the intro and so it took me out of it.

Yoda lay-ee.
yodo lo.
Hi-ho hi-ho the end is nigh.
Yoda lay-ee.
Yodo lo.
The time has come to say goodbye
to preaching falsely and faking sighs
for the dying patients' closing eyes.
Hi-ho hi-ho the end is nigh!
you explained what the yoddling meant. I would have never gotten that. if you want the audience to know what you mean add some greater imagery to supplement your work with sound here. It could be a powerful metaphor if I only knew what it was a metaphor for before you have to tell me. the three lines near the end "the...eyes." confused the hell out of me. either connect them more to the beggining or give them greater context or connect them to more concrete imagery because otherwise I feel as if the audience will not come out of the piece as happy as they started.



hope I helped or gave you some things to think about. I hope this was a good example of a critique that acknowledged both the good and bad pieces of the piece and gave you ideas for how some of the things I feel could be better can be improved.

I did not give a conclusion at the end because I do not think it would help you.


I'll have a new one up sometime, a terrible piece of prose, if you see it floating around and want to leave a small comment.
#21
gotcha, will do that now.

Reading Carmel's post, I agree completely, I think you'd like Keeno's stuff a lot. When I first got here I remember looking at all of his threads that were still in the database and he is definitely still an inspiration for me. I believe I have his website link somewhere around here if you want it.
#24
Apologies Zach, here I am back two days later. I will definitely get to this properly within 24 hours. Sound like a businessman. Bug me on msn if I forget or anything.
#25
maybe it's just a taste thing, but I'm not feeling this much. The whole message is overdone at best, and you didn't put enough of spin on it to make it fresh--for me, at least.

Still reading.
Ed.

EDIT: By overdone, I meant that it's been done much before, not that you were overdoing it. Just thought I'd clarify XD
I owe a ton of people critiques.

If you're one of them, please PM me.

I have trouble keeping track.