#1
Standing on this building with the gun in my mouth.
Slowly waiting to accept who I've become.
The cold metal never tasted so good.
My hands are dirty, but is this gun clean?
Cleanse my soul of all my sins and self regret.
I've been fighting what I could never face for way too long.
My empire slowly burns, caving in on me as the hammer falls.
I escape and try desperately to save myself from the man I've become.

(not finished)
#2
Quote by al gore
Standing on this building with the gun in my mouth.
I'd personally do "Mouth 'round a gun" to get the rhyme with 'become'.
Slowly waiting to accept who I've become.
Good line, describes an interesting attitude towards death.
The cold metal never tasted so good.
My hands are dirty, but is this gun clean?
Funny, somewhat unrelated, which might fit or not, I haven't decided yet.
Cleanse my soul of all my sins and self regret.
I've been fighting what I could never face for way too long.
Drop the word 'way', it messes with flow.
My empire slowly burns, caving in on me as the hammer falls.
I escape and try desperately to save myself from the man I've become.
Brilliant, awesome ending. By 'escape', do you mean you somehow survived and got away, or what? It was a bit vague. Also, IMHO, I'd have "man I've been", rather than "man I've become".

Otherwise, the ideas in this last line is the most brilliant ending for this piece you could have had.


(not finished)


This was very enjoyable. I don't think you need to add anything to this piece at all. The start was a good, gripping way to begin, and the end was quite conclusive.
#3
I disagree, i believe it could have been more conclusive.

When I read it, I felt as though there could have been more added to the end of the poem, but it is, as you said "unfinished". The only other thing i suggest is to change the last line, as you already mentioned something about "who you'd become." I feel like it was almost overused by that point. Good work though, I liked the rawness of it.

"Cleanse my soul of all my sins and self regret.
I've been fighting what I could never face for way too long."

= Best lines.

Keep writing.
#4
Thank you both Iamonfire and Skaliveson, I will take what you both have said into consideration. Skaliveson: the line "My hands are dirty, but is this gun clean?" is related to a quote that my friend enjoys by Bob Marley about having clean hands before pinting fingers and the cleanliness of the gun is a reference to Fight Club (as is most of the poem). The idea was to make it seem as if the narrator is trying to cleanse himself of his dirty past. He knows he is wrong but is the gun going to clean up his mess? More or less. By escape i mean that the narrator is trying to escape from his life and at the same time try to save himself from the man he is becoming if that makes any sense. Why "man i've been" rather than "man i've become"? Iamonfire: the parts about "who ive become" are needed in the beginning and end IMO because the narrator is trying to accept who he is while taking his life and at the end it refers to him trying to escape it all as he pulls the trigger. Still not sure where to take it. Thank you both for your advice
#5
Okay, I did manage to figure out that 'hands dirty//gun clean' thing for the most part by the end of the piece. I like "man I've been" because the piece is being told from the perspective of someone literally about to be killed, right? "The hammer falls" is the gun's hammer, I think, so there is not really any person to 'become'. I see it as the character wanting to maybe be redeemed or forgiven (in a religious sense maybe) before dying. He needs to be saved from the "man I've been" before dying.

That is also why I think it should just end right there. Milliseconds from death, regretting the dirt on his hands, worried over his mistakes, wondering what might happen after he is killed. It is a powerful moment that I thought you capitalized on.

I might be way off the mark here, though, so take it as you will.
#6
the man on the building is looking back at the man he has become, as he stands with the gun in his mouth he tries to accept who he is so he doesnt have to kill himself. he believes that by ending his life he will clear himself of all sins and his past that had lead him to be the man he is today. the hammer does mean the gun's hammer and as it falls he tries to escape the firing of the gun and save himself from the man he has become. idk if that makes sense or not
#9
no one posts here anymore, my poem died quickly hahaha. anyway i decided its finished. but feel free anyone who wants to crit it, i'd still love to play with it or if you can get me to change my mind maybe ill play with an extended ending or something.
Tyler and I

"When I found the guitar, I refused to take lessons. This was my real emotional release, and I didn't want to be taught how to approach the instrument."
- Eddie Van Halen