#1
Decaptivated

Guillotines allow light to dawn
upon empty shoulders,
breaking solace
with labyrinth logic
that takes the double helix route
toward an unforgiving end.

They set you and I apart
with rusting steel,
as the last thing I witness
is a jagged 45° executioner
slipping past your dropping jaw.

It mimics mine
in one solitary swoop;
yours kissing concrete
as mine, more discreet,
hangs above the laws of gravity.

And through all of this
your hollow eyes still stare
as if to suggest that I’m blind.

But don’t bring this upon me,
when you’re the one losing your mind.
#2
I'm not going to bother sugar coating this. If I didn't think you could take it, I'd do differently :p

The wording is almost dense in parts. Not confusing, just dense. Maybe overbearing is the word I'm looking for? Anyway, with the format it's in, I expected this to have more sonics. I'm not saying you need more sonics, really, just that the formatting isn't helping you much. Not hurting, but still not helping.

Overall, I'd say it was pretty good. I can't honestly say that it's memorable, though--in 2 hours it'll probably be gone from my mind like acorns in front of John McCain. If you got that joke, God help you XD


Not sure if this was much help, but I hope you took something from it. "Something, Something" could do with looking at if you have the time. It'll be in my sig in a mo'. If you don't, that's totally cool too.

L8rG8r.
I owe a ton of people critiques.

If you're one of them, please PM me.

I have trouble keeping track.
#3
I liked this piece...it had a good flow, a good variety of vocabulary and rhyming. The idea of it felt original....

When I read it though, I didn't quite feel too much emotion out of it....especially the first stanza, but that's just me

Other than that I can't complain....

Great use of the alliterations by the way
Vivamus mea Lesbia, atque amemus,
rumoresque senum seueriorum
omnes unius aestimemus assis!
#4
Quote by Fate_of_Mind
Decaptivated
Clever title

Guillotines allow light to dawn
upon empty shoulders,
breaking solace
with labyrinth logic
that takes the double helix route
toward an unforgiving end.
Breaking solace with labyrinth logic has a gorgeous flow to it. I like the sound. I don't entirely understand what the last two lines mean though. Unforgiving end I assume is death at the hands of a guillotine, but i don't know what the double helix has to do with it. Could be i'm just not quick enough

They set you and I apart
with rusting steel,
as the last thing I witness
is a jagged 45° executioner
slipping past your dropping jaw.

It mimics mine
in one solitary swoop;
yours kissing concrete
as mine, more discreet,
hangs above the laws of gravity.
I've thought long and hard about these two stanzas, and i'm still missing something. The words are great however, and it's very well written. However, when the narrator says his jaw hangs above the law of gravity, i thought before i read that line that his jaw was agape, this makes it seem like his jaw is now defying gravity and is in the air above. Is he being hanged?

And through all of this
your hollow eyes still stare
as if to suggest that I’m blind.
Brilliant imagery. I can picture this perfectly.

But don’t bring this upon me,
when you’re the one losing your mind.
I like it, though again, i'm still confused as to what's going on.


Per usual, very well done, though not your best. Extremely well written, and I really like the style. You're diction is wonderful, every word works well with the others and the entire piece as a whole. On a metaphorical level, you left me entirely baffled. I know it means something, but I'll be darned if I can figure it out. It's no insult to you, I'm sure if i read it a few more times tomorrow it'd make more sense, but after the 5 or 6 times i read the piece while writing this, i was quite confused. That's less of a criticism though, more like one reader's observation. On a whole, I did like this piece, though I think i'd appreciate it more if I had the brain for deciphering the meanings.


If possible, crit Mary Don't Leave Me Now in my songs section in my sig.