#1
“What next?”
If you’re asking what to do
.....when the ink is up,
Hey kid, that’s when you write in blood.

And the pacifist with opened wrists,
--his cardboard bricks on East Main--
Doused in oil, still insists
“Keep your coins, I want change”.
And when the dirty five-thirty is lacking in kicks,
Well, you best strut your sh*t to the nine-one-six.
There’s all the best sinners in the sickest fumes,
In this town too like a tomb.

The dirty, dirty five-thirty;
It mutters something, something,
.....sounds like “Hell hath no fury--”
You interrupt, all twisted guts,
With “No, none at all.”
Hey kid,
Good call.
I owe a ton of people critiques.

If you're one of them, please PM me.

I have trouble keeping track.
Last edited by Fly, Marlowe at Aug 4, 2008,
#2
Quote by Fly, Marlowe
“What next?”
If you’re asking what to do
.....when the ink is up,
Love this line, although I fail to see why you have added the repeated punctuation marks - I'm not trying to be ignorant, I have thought about this a bit.
Hey kid, that’s when you write in blood.
I'm not totally vibing the "hey kid", but it does interlink when it repeats it later on in the song, so it's not too bad.

And the pacifist with opened wrists,
--his cardboard bricks on East Main--
Doused in oil, still insists
Wonderful rhyming scheme you got goin' on baby!
“Keep your coins, I want change”.
And when the dirty five-thirty is lacking in kicks,
Well, you best strut your sh*t to the nine-one-six.
There’s all the best sinners in the sickest fumes,
In this town too like a tomb.
Great imagery here that flows far better than the rest of the piece and your work in general.

The dirty, dirty five-thirty;
It mutters something, something,
.....sounds like “Hell hath no fury--”
You interrupt, all twisted guts,
With “No, none at all.”
Hey kid,
Good call.
Can't fault this.


There isn't much I can commend or counter on. Its all qutie enjoyable and has some nifty ideas and themes. It will take a few more reads before I can discern it in its entirity, but I love the idea of returning to a piece, it shows importance and lasting qualities. Good work.

Digitally Clean
#3
Quote by Fly, Marlowe
“What next?”
If you’re asking what to do
.....when the ink is up,
Hey kid, that’s when you write in blood.
Don't like the phrase "hey kid", but that's mainly because it reminds me of my brother-in-law after about 6 jagerbombs, shortly before he tells some complete stranger that "Thish iszh ma wee bro. 'E's a ****in' leg-end, aren't you?"

And the pacifist with opened wrists,
--his cardboard bricks on East Main--
Doused in oil, still insists
IMO, "he still insists" works better
“Keep your coins, I want change”.
And when the dirty five-thirty is lacking in kicks,
Well, you best strut your sh*t to the nine-one-six.
There’s all the best sinners in the sickest fumes,
In this town too like a tomb.

The dirty, dirty five-thirty;
It mutters something, something,
.....sounds like “Hell hath no fury--”
You interrupt, all twisted guts,
With “No, none at all.”
Hey kid, Again, that irks me.
Good call.


Honestly, it seems to me that you're being fairly artsy, in that horrible "You pickle half a cow and I'll turn the light on and off" Tate Modern way, which forsakes art for the sake of being artsy.
#5
i really like this. the second stanza is my most favoritest ever.

that's all i got.
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?
#6
“Keep your coins, I want change” is an idea I've toyed around with in the past. Enjoyed the way you incorporated it.

I don't believe I've read many of your pieces, though I've seen you around. This is solid and unique in tone. I like the edginess. I'll keep an eye out for your stuff in the future.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
Last edited by Billyjson at Aug 4, 2008,
#7
Quote by Billyjson
“Keep your coins, I want change” is an idea I've toyed around with in the past. Enjoyed the way you incorporated it.

Same here. Your usage was very nice, and better than any way I tried at it. I liked this whole piece. It reminded me a bit of Tom Waits, and I think the "Hey kid," that not everybody has been feeling reinforces that vibe, so you might take that out or leave it in depending on what you were aiming for.
#8
Quote by opivy21
I liked this whole piece. It reminded me a bit of Tom Waits, and I think the "Hey kid," that not everybody has been feeling reinforces that vibe, so you might take that out or leave it in depending on what you were aiming for.
+1
#9
nice job.
that's all I have to say, and I'll say no more.
i need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah.
#10
thanks for the feedback everyone. I hate to bump this, but if anyone would like a crit in return on anything specific, a link would be most helpful.

Thanks again!

And also again, sorry for the bump XD.
I owe a ton of people critiques.

If you're one of them, please PM me.

I have trouble keeping track.