#1
this is my first song ever writing,so please be harsh and let me know what i need to work on. I know its an anti-war song and that its completely overdone and overused but it popped in my head so i wrote it down. Id appreciate it if there was comments or criticism on structural things like rhyming,imagery,vocabulary,stuff like that, thanks to anyone who takes the time.


Its unfinished but here are the verses i have

We take their gold, we take their oil,
take it back to our american soil,
killing in the name of peace,
Democracy must be released.

Fear of change and fear of voice,
fear of others using an alternative choice,
brothers fall and enemy's bleed,
unless they follow the american creed.

widespread arms and open eyes,
open fire, we dont compromise
presumptuous and arrogant nation,
maybe were the ones who need changing
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Let me know.
#2
Quote by Kruchefski
this is my first song ever writing,so please be harsh and let me know what i need to work on. I know its an anti-war song and that its completely overdone and overused but it popped in my head so i wrote it down. Id appreciate it if there was comments or criticism on structural things like rhyming,imagery,vocabulary,stuff like that, thanks to anyone who takes the time.


Its unfinished but here are the verses i have

We take their gold, we take their oil,
take it back to our american soil,
The repetition of "take" could be altered very simply to 'bring'. Its nothing special but it could add a little more flow to it.
killing in the name of peace,
Democracy must be released.
This is not bad mate. I'm not cringing at someone writing about topics they know nothing of - I'm not suggesting you don't know what you are talking about, for all I know, you could be anti-war veteran - the point I'm making is, some people say they hate war and start discussing elements of recent wars and battles and pretend to know what they are talking about just because they read the news one day 6 months ago. That is why war songs are difficult in my eyes, you must do research. Just like you would if you were writing a book or documentary.
Your rhyming scheme is simple but its not bad either. It's all pretty blunt and to the point but its worded fairly competantly with decent vocabulary.


Fear of change and fear of voice,
fear of others using an alternative choice,
brothers fall and enemy's bleed,
unless they follow the american creed.
Once again, as a first effort at writing a song, this isn excellent achievement, but you could try and avoid mentioning "American" itself. I like the way you didn't capatalize it, trying to emphasise their small mindedness. I'm failing to see any serious imagery though or oiriginal termanology.

widespread arms and open eyes,
A little imagery is being evoked here.
open fire, we dont compromise
presumptuous and arrogant nation,
maybe were the ones who need changing
I can't directly fault this because its not terrible, but its special either.
---------------------------------------

Let me know.


There was no imagery really that I could directly notice, but it is difficult to add scuh a thing into a war song. If you witnessed war itself, then you will have the inspiration lurking inside of you and be able to duplicate it onto papper, but I'm guessing you didn't experience war first hand.
Your rhyming is simple in the way it is AA, BB, AA, BB. Try skipping four lines - so the end of the first line interlinks with the last word on the last line. Using the first word of each line rhyming with the last word of each line, or just simply skip a line are both effective ways of adding depth and interest.
Your vocabularly is above standard but is fairly common at the same time. It reads like a guy in a rush to write pensive work in the space of 15 minutes and has delved into his minds aresanal of words and came out with these. Thats not neccesarily a bad thing, its just a little overly simple.
There are many techniques that one can incorporate into this, literary devices that are both easy and effective.
Other than that, I will leave other points to someone else who may know better than myself.

I hope I have helped at least a little.

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