#1
Verse 1
this is the price we pay
to be in your arms today

hold me close to you
so i dont fall right through

chorus
what have i become
now that you're my chosen one

cant stand back no more
have to go through the door

verse 2
life just frozen still
till your light returns

feeling im deadly ill
now i completely heal


what do you think? to sad? to confusing? general thoughts and feedback, nothing considered bad, all considered good lol

side note that this was made in like 10 min and is played along with a few chords in half step down tuning so its kinda got a sad tone to it, and yeah its not finished obviously lol
Last edited by NinjaCrowLives at Aug 4, 2008,
#2
this is the price we pay
to be in your arms today

hold me close to you
so i dont fall right through
overall this was good, if not slightly confusing. At first glance I haven’t got what this is about, but perhaps that adds to the ambiguity and therefore “sad” atmospere that you would get with a half stepped down tuning.
chorus
what have i become
now that you're my chosen one

cant stand back no more
have to go through the door
i would say that a chorus has to have structure, has to sum up the piece and feel that this just repeats what you’ve said in the opening. That can be good, but I’d be tempted to change the last two lines.
verse 2
life just frozen still
till your light returns
I like these lines, the image of being frozen…
feeling im deadly ill
now i completely heal
I think the 3rd line is a typo which should be changed to “I’m feeling deadly ill”. I like the ending, although it just seems with such a short song that you should suddenly come back from the dead (unless this has the religious feel I’m getting, in which that’d be quite clever)

In conclusion…I got the feeling this was a sort of God/dying, our atleast a really strong love, and it worked quite well. I liked the rhyme of “become” and “one” because it broke up the AABB rhyming and again the rhyme of “ill” and “heal” because they still rhyme on the vowel so it continues the flow.

I wouldn’t say it was too sad, confusing maybe. A remedy for this might be making a bit longer and whacking in some repeating themes? I think as a minimlastic piece with a few chords it would sound good. Good job.

Btw, hope i wasn't too confusing haha plus a C4C would be nice, don't worry if you don't have the time though.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=926842

Feel free to add me and listen to more hilarious jokes such as the above.
Last edited by pirates_ftw at Aug 4, 2008,
#3
haha thanks, yeah i was looking for it to be abit longer and was just seeing what people had to say about what i had so far.....as for the god like deal, im gonna have to look into changing the next verse or so to keep it away from that confusion, and yeah its only got 1 other complete change in it for like a breakdown sort of thing to like build up to something, not quite sure yet

anyway thanks for the crit
#4
Quote by NinjaCrowLives
Verse 1
this is the price we pay
to be in your arms today
what price and who's arms? you need to show those things in the song, for all people know it could mean $1.60. plus that should probly be price i pay, unless of coures its a group orgy

hold me close to you
so i dont fall right through
get rid of the word right, its not needed

chorus
what have i become pretty cleiche line
now that you're my chosen one

cant stand back no more
have to go through the door

verse 2
life just frozen still
till your light returns

feeling im deadly ill
now i completely heal
this line seems pretty forced



all in all pretty simple and far to short, flesh it out a bit
#5
lol does no body read i said that it wasnt finished as of yet lol and i just wanted feedback on how it is in its current state

however i appreciate you 'thesmilingGoat' for reinforcing my thought me needing more feedback from people

cheers