#1
Aisles

Cookie doe chomped
by the chumps
and their chimps,
a feast for the eyes
and their pot belly mouths,
sucking dry the
thumbs numbed by their
constant state of awareness.
Taste buds tasking
the truly delectable
choices within,
just waiting for someone
to recite their insides.
Heres a motto to feel more macho:
(Its like a spoken calculator)
If it pleases
eat it easy
If it chokes
let it soak

Simple, but beautiful.
Then, you can just return,
wet with a
watered down appetite.

But why mop when its just going to get dirty again?
And why stop when its just going to get dirty again?

'Cause their so fucking
sexy, and...
they smell good,
thats why.

Oh, and expendable too.

Frozen felines
and fruit discards;
we are all just
ingredients smudged onto
supermarket receipts.
While black and white squares
ponder over a more grey life,
and the used mop buckets,
wait for their turn to churn.
We are all the same,
a part of a working unit.
Constantly tempting ourselves
with this new idea...

Is chocolate really better than sex?




Digitally Clean
Last edited by AngryGoldfish at Aug 5, 2008,
#2
it could quite possibly be our vastly differing views of courtship, but i didn't get much out of this. sometimes it sounded pretty. but that's really all i walked away with. or clicked away, rather. you know what i meant.
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?
#4
It's a strange piece, normally I would do the in depth quote n' comment thing, but this kinda has a strange structure to it that I can't quite grip. I don't understand the metaphors here either, so I'm not going to comment on the actual words them selves, but how they sound to my ears. There are some good rhythms going on here, but some of it is just weird. Sadly there is not much I can say, but there are some good things in here.
All I want is for everyone to go to hell...
...It's the last place I was seen before I lost myself



Quote by DisarmGoliath
You can be the deputy llamma of the recordings forum!
#5
Heads up before you read my crit, I read it ignoring the line breaks, since they seemingly had no significance. The only changes to the flow/rhythm I will notice and mention are those made through punctuation or spaces. With that said, here are some of the things that stuck out:

But why mop when its just going to get dirty again?
And why stop when its just going to get dirty again?

Frozen felines
and fruit discards;
we are all just
ingredients smudged onto
supermarket receipts.

This whole thing just makes me think of some fast-food restaurant, the tables being the isles (and we have sound is correct, no apostrophe unless you're signifying the isles own something). That's what I had in mind until the last line anyways, when I realized it either must be some sort of bakery, or else I'm completely wrong and just pulling this all out of my ass.

Once I finally read the smaller font at the bottom - I usually ignore that to leave the piece open to my own interpretations - I realized the latter is correct. To me, the imagery doesn't fit the point you were trying to convey. That's what's great about writing though, it is open to interpretation. So please, take out the explanation and allow me to feel intelligent reading this
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#7
Thanks folks, a lot. I like the idea that this is confusing and weird, all my writing tends to follow that route.

Isle's is in relation to a shopping supermarket where you have isle's of food, or is this case, metaphors for the opposite sex. Mainly woman, because I'm a man and I'm not going to say men. That is the prevalent metaphor throughout, I'm afraid if you didn't understand that then you could read the blurb down below, or just say you don't understand. There's never any shame in that.
I know its fairly cryptic and confusing, but for me, I never noticed any reason why you can't derive whatever the hell you want from this, like Billy said, that's the beauty of writing.
I want my pieces to have a variety of different meanings, I want someone to conjure an idea that is so baffling to others that I can't help but feel overjoyed.

Thanks again.
#10
Ah bloody hell, thats all you meant?! That was a lot of ****ing pointless typing. I was only using the apostrophe to make it more personal. I'm not the most articulate and accurate with grammar and spelling but I think apostrophes are used when its in relation to a human being or person (am I right?), so, in theory, adding it where you please should give the illusion or an entity being present.
In this case, I added it to help the reader feel less secluded from the piece. Although it seemed very degrading on other people and their particular customs, I wanted to refrain from being overly pretentious and forceful of my beliefs. If that makes sense?
I could of just typed up another load of bullcrap when it was pointless, but thats life.

By the way you said "Isle's what", I took it up as if you wanted an explanaition. Soz' if I mistook.
#11
Quote by AngryGoldfish
I'm not the most articulate and accurate with grammar and spelling but I think apostrophes are used when its in relation to a human being or person (am I right?), so, in theory, adding it where you please should give the illusion or an entity being present.



When you write "Isle's" it means the 'isles' themselves own something, not that their "my isles" or "your isles". So adding the apostrophe would not make it personal at all, in fact quite the opposite; it detaches the word and makes it independent. And when you're referring to a supermarket it's "Aisles". Right now you're title states that one island in particular has ownership over some unknown entity.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#12
I looked up the spelling of that online and I found it to be Isle's so thats the way I took it. Thanks for pointing it out, I'll make alterations.
#13
Here's where the fists rise into the air
with a cry of

"Damn you Wikipedia!!!"
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#14
Cookie doe chomped
by the chumps
and their chimps,
a feast for the eyesinteresting
and their pot belly mouths,
sucking dry themm i think the is misplaced here. jsut take it out.
thumbs numbed by their
constant state of awareness.interesting
Taste buds tasking
the truly delectable
choices within,nice i like it. last 3 lines. delectable nice word
just waiting for someone
to recite their insides.
Heres a motto to feel more macho:
(Its like a spoken calculator)

If it pleases
eat it easy
If it chokes
let it soakhahah nice. this part made me giggle like a fat girl

Simple, but beautiful.
Then, you can just return,
wet with a
watered down appetite.mmm good transition

But why mop when its just going to get dirty again?
And why stop when its just going to get dirty again?mmm i feel that this part is unnecessary.

'Cause their so ****ing
sexy, and...
they smell good,
thats why.feels like a very weak stanza compared to the 3 stanza's above it

Oh, and expendable too.

Frozen felines
and fruit discards;
we are all just
ingredients smudged onto
supermarket receipts.nice, i dont see the supermarket too much
While black and white squares
ponder over a more grey life,lol nice. black and white squears. cool cool
and the used mop buckets,i tink htis line is pointless and only takes away form the image above
wait for their turn to churn.
We are all the same,
a part of a working unit.
Constantly tempting ourselves
with this new idea...mm this is aight kind of a good prelude to the end

Is chocolate really better than sex?lol interesting. well chocolate is the food of the gods. but frankly y not have both? u can do chocolate covered sex O.o Kinky you might ask. but no. it's normal and it's quite efficent. see u can skip dinner and dine out. on your partner's body O.o. wow* gee i'm messed up.
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
#15
Quote by kenifh
Very Michael Stipe. That's all I can say for now, maybe I'll say more when I have more to say, but for now, just Very Michael Stipe.


Okay, I've re-read it several times, and I've decided I have more to say. This is VERY close to being the sort of lyrics I would kill to write. I hate you, you're too clever
#16
Quote by AngryGoldfish
Aisles

Cookie doe chomped
by the chumps
and their chimps,
a feast for the eyes
and their pot belly mouths,
Oh this was great. Love the play of words with 'dough/doe'
sucking dry the
thumbs numbed by their
enjoyed the internal rhyme
constant state of awareness.
Taste buds tasking
the truly delectable
choices within,
just waiting for someone
to recite their insides.
Heres a motto to feel more macho:
(Its like a spoken calculator)
If it pleases
eat it easy
If it chokes
let it soak

Very nice.
Simple, but beautiful.
Then, you can just return,
wet with a
watered down appetite.

But why mop when its just going to get dirty again?
And why stop when its just going to get dirty again?
good question. will you answer it for me?

'Cause their so fucking
sexy, and...
they smell good,
thats why.
yes.

Oh, and expendable too.

Frozen felines
and fruit discards;
we are all just
ingredients smudged onto
supermarket receipts.
While black and white squares
ponder over a more grey life,
and the used mop buckets,
wait for their turn to churn.
These past four lines were like crystal meth in word form.
We are all the same,
a part of a working unit.
Constantly tempting ourselves
with this new idea...

Is chocolate really better than sex?
Not the greatest ending you could have had, but not bad.




Digitally Clean


There were a lot of parts I loved, but some of it faded into obscurity. Whats with the title?
#17
The title is a spelling mistake, me and Billy had a discussion about it above. Thanks for your comment mate, I apprectiate your opinion greatly. I really need to work on trying not to be so obscure.
#18
*title fixed*
Populus vult decipi. Decipiatur.

Quote by Mistress_Ibanez
It's can be a contraction and genitive case.

Quote by Mistress_Ibanez
If you cut down on these costs students won't learn so well, effecting the "quality"...