#1
EDIT: Sorry about the smiley in the title, I just read the rules and didn't know it was against them. I tried removing it but it won't come off from the forum view. Guess I'm just used to riffs and recordings

Dare You
By Chris Maroun

You took my breath away
Now can I have it back
I'm gonna need it for the verbal tug-o-war
That we were always meant to have
From day one I knew
I could feel the cold shoulder leading me
Ever so sweetly
To another dead end

We fit perfectly
But we couldn't play it right
It's game over now
And I'm walking away, beg me to stay
I dare you

Your lights went out in my sky
My lights dimmed a while
As I connected the dots
And untied the knots in the thoughts I had of you
Your halo's barely hanging
On a torn up thread
A shade of red
The one that kept us together for so long

We fit perfectly
But we couldn't play it right
It's game over now
And I'm walking away, beg me to stay
I dare you

Angels don't have shadows
And we've become so shallow
You hide behind your shadow
Because you're no longer my angel

We fit perfectly
But we couldn't play it right
It's game over now
And I'm walking away, beg me to stay
I dare you
Alta Vera - My real life alternative rock band.
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PSN: whatev27

Let me ask you, does a machine like yourself ever experience fear?

Last edited by NovemberRain273 at Aug 4, 2008,
#2
You took my breath away
Now can I have it back
I'm gonna need it for the verbal tug-o-war
That we were always meant to have
From day one I knew
I could feel the cold shoulder leading me
Ever so sweetly
To another dead end

I liked the rhyming on this: "back" and "have", "me" and "sweetly". Although "I'm gonna need it for..." jars slightly, so i'd suggest saying "I'll need it for the verbal tug-o-war we were always meant to have". I'd also put it a comma/colon/dash after "from day one I knew" just to make more sense, but that won't matter as a song. Overall this is some good imagery, not sure about the line "ever so sweetly", feels to delicate for the opening and a bit out of place.

We fit perfectly
But we couldn't play it right
It's game over now
And I'm walking away, beg me to stay
I dare you
I really like this as a chorus, draws the whole thing together and has a nice structure. I can imagine you getting some emotion into singing this.

Your lights went out in my sky
My lights dimmed a while
As I connected the dots
And untied the knots in the thoughts I had of you
Your halo's barely hanging
On a torn up thread
A shade of red
The one that kept us together for so long


There's something wrong with the first two lines... I really like the imagery, but it jars with the repetition of "my" and "lights". I would suggest a rewording: "Your lights went out in the sky, mine dimmed meanwhile and as i connected the dots etc." This is lovely, orginal imagery. I like.


We fit perfectly
But we couldn't play it right
It's game over now
And I'm walking away, beg me to stay
I dare you

Angels don't have shadows
And we've become so shallow
You hide behind your shadow
Because you're no longer my angel

I like this, sums it up. Nice ending. That being said, perhaps there'd be no need for the chorus? Unless you had a bridge, or instrumental or something? I don't know, it's up to you and the music. Again I get the parallelism you're tring to create, but I do feel if it's a song then you won't be able to put the emphasis into dictation, to make this effective. Do you get me? So I would reword as follows: "Angels don't have shadows, and we've become so shallow, you hide behind yours, because you're no longer mine." With that you have the feeling seperation because "yours" and "mine" are opposites and I think seperation is the theme you're going for (although you fit perfectly, which makes it slightly ironic and more poignant. Overall, I really do like this. Just the right degree of sadness and what not, great imagery and rhyme schemes. Just a touch up on the flow, even if you overlook my suggestions just read it out again and again until it flows evenly. Good job.

We fit perfectly
But we couldn't play it right
It's game over now
And I'm walking away, beg me to stay
I dare you

A "C4C" would be nice but necessary
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=926842

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#3
Thanks for your crit, I critted you back
Alta Vera - My real life alternative rock band.
Ashen Spire - My personal metal band.

Super Mario, F-Zero & Dragonball Z covers!

PSN: whatev27

Let me ask you, does a machine like yourself ever experience fear?

#4
Dare You
By Chris Maroun

You took my breath away
Now can I have it backuhh i dont see how back and away rhymes like the guy said above.... lol iono
I'm gonna need it for the verbal tug-o-war
That we were always meant to have
From day one I knew
I could feel the cold shoulder leading medont use cold shoulder leading me. sounds wierd and just unnatural. try cold hand or like sutbtle figure. or iono cold shoulder just sucks.
Ever so sweetly
To another dead end

We fit perfectly
But we couldn't play it rightmeh.it's contradictory.
It's game over now
And I'm walking away, beg me to stay
I dare you


Your lights went out in my sky
My lights dimmed a while
As I connected the dotsnice i like this
And untied the knots in the thoughts I had of youmeh not big fan of htis line.very weak a filler line
Your halo's barely hanging
On a torn up threadmeh.
A shade of red
The one that kept us together for so longi dont like the two lines. your restating what u infered. it's boring to restate and crap

Angels don't have shadows
And we've become so shallowi think shallow is a weka workd to use. imo
You hide behind your shadowdont use shadow again it's boring and repetative
Because you're no longer my angel

overall it was aight. i think you missed a lot of chances for more imaganitie or more masquarded meanings but over all its ok. need's some work tho. a couple lines were good but toher then that it was avg.
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
#5
Quote by NovemberRain273
EDIT: Sorry about the smiley in the title, I just read the rules and didn't know it was against them. I tried removing it but it won't come off from the forum view. Guess I'm just used to riffs and recordings

Dare You
By Chris Maroun

You took my breath away
Now can I have it back
I'm gonna need it for the verbal tug-o-war
That we were always meant to have
From day one I knew
I could feel the cold shoulder leading me
Ever so sweetly
To another dead end
This was a really good opening. The first two lines definitely carry the first stanza.

We fit perfectly
But we couldn't play it right
It's game over now
And I'm walking away, beg me to stay
I dare you
I also liked this stanza. When I got two the last two lines it took me several times of reading to get it how I think you want it to be interpreted, though it may have just been how I was reading it.

Your lights went out in my sky
My lights dimmed a while
As I connected the dots
And untied the knots in the thoughts I had of you
Your halo's barely hanging
On a torn up thread
A shade of red
The one that kept us together for so long
This is a good stanza and most of it didn't rhyme. Though when you did with the thread and red it seemed a tad forced maybe because its sound very much alike.

We fit perfectly
But we couldn't play it right
It's game over now
And I'm walking away, beg me to stay
I dare you

Angels don't have shadows
And we've become so shallow
You hide behind your shadow
Because you're no longer my angel
This one is quite interesting. I kinda was thinking WOW when the last line came like it got pretty deep.

We fit perfectly
But we couldn't play it right
It's game over now
And I'm walking away, beg me to stay
I dare you


Overall I really liked it. Seems well thought out and pretty solid. Only like real problem I found imo is the thread red bit. Thats just about it
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