#1
Platform ten
windswept hair
summer collapsed
winter collage.
poorly kept’s secret
thump thump thump
carried away by the wind.
blotting paper handkercheifs:
knotted at the corners
fraying at the ends.
black and blue
yellow too
even left unadorned
I’m telling you
I would not forget.
a horn’s fisted out
no time to ask.
shoes strewn on the floor
toys thrown out of prams.
grazed knees
pony tails
tv cartoons
I'd tried and
failed
to feel like a child again –
The hair was pushed out of my eyes
when I was young.
We dreamt of a family holiday
and not the chance to get away
And every so often you would tell me
Daddy’s hands are dirty again
and I wouldn’t have to look at them
to know what it meant.
Mama, I don’t belive you now and
I didn’t believe you then.

C4C, enjoy

Feel free to add me and listen to more hilarious jokes such as the above.
Last edited by pirates_ftw at Aug 4, 2008,
#2
Overall, I liked this, especially as it seemed to build towards the ending. The only thing that put me off was that some of the phrases were odd, or maybe just colloquial.
#3
I like it, it's a very cool piece. It's lack of structure really emphsizes the sense of childhood and memories, stream of consiousness sort of thing that I felt throughout it. And as it builds up more towards the end, it shows it goes from the past childhood to the present maturity, and you did it so smoothly, like I didn't even notice the more prominent structure until I was in the middle of it.

I really liked the constrast in the beginning between summer and winter, as well as the punctuation throughout the piece. Overall, it's very cool, good job! I'm sorry I'm not able to give as a detailed a crit as you were, I guess I'm just not sure what to say!
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#4
more of like a poem kinda thing happening, i like it......would be interesting to hear what kind of guitar/music you would put to it, cause in my head im just thinking really slow and melodic

lyrics are good, nice progression without the chorus and such....would be good to have like a smart kinda saying at the end like the last two lines i was expecting something different like

mama, i dont believe you now
that this was all just for play
now that daddys gone
why is it that i have to pay?

might kinda contradict the feeling up to then, but it would be a nice kind of twist to have onto it...like this is all inside the kid/adult's head wondering where they went wrong and wanting to go back to the innocent days

anyway best of luck to find something that fits your theme...overall nice progression of the theme and very good

cheers
#5
Quote by pirates_ftw
Platform ten
windswept hair
summer collapsed
winter collage.
poorly kept’s secret
thump thump thump
Its a good opening, and I love the poorly kept secret line.
carried away by the wind.
blotting paper handkercheifs:
knotted at the corners
fraying at the ends.
black and blue
yellow too
I liked all of this up until the yellow too line. It just seemed sort of like its just there to carry it on more.
even left unadorned
I’m telling you
I would not forget.
I really like these last two lines together, just shows emotion I guess.
a horn’s fisted out
no time to ask.
shoes strewn on the floor
toys thrown out of prams.
grazed knees
pony tails
Here is definitely where the child like feel starts coming in, which is quite enjoyable.
tv cartoons
I'd tried and
failed
to feel like a child again –
The hair was pushed out of my eyes
when I was young.
We dreamt of a family holiday
and not the chance to get away
And every so often you would tell me
Daddy’s hands are dirty again
and I wouldn’t have to look at them
to know what it meant.
Mama, I don’t belive you now and
I didn’t believe you then.

C4C, enjoy


Overall its a nice piece, I don't really have much for you to maybe look at or what not. As it is its pretty solid. although like said above (might just be the structure) but it does seem more like a poem. Then again like I said it may just be the structure and how I was reading it lol.
If you don't mind to crit mine links in my sig.
#6
Quote by pirates_ftw
Platform ten
windswept hair
summer collapsed
winter collage.
Great imagery here
poorly kept’s secret
thump thump thump
carried away by the wind.
blotting paper handkercheifs:
knotted at the corners
fraying at the ends.
black and blue
yellow too
even left unadorned
unadorned is a bit too long and complex of a word compared to the rest of the piece so far.
I’m telling you
I would not forget.
a horn’s fisted out
no time to ask.
shoes strewn on the floor
toys thrown out of prams.
grazed knees
pony tails
tv cartoons
I'd tried and
failed
why is this word in a line by itself. Doesn't seem important enough.
to feel like a child again –
The hair was pushed out of my eyes
when I was young.
We dreamt of a family holiday
and not the chance to get away
And every so often you would tell me
Daddy’s hands are dirty again
and I wouldn’t have to look at them
to know what it meant.
This section was great.
Mama, I don’t belive you now and
I didn’t believe you then.
A somewhat weak ending overall compared to everything else.

C4C, enjoy


I did enjoy, quite a bit.
#7
Thank you everyone for all your comments, just thought i'd explain about the peice (as i didn't in my original post).
It started out as a poem but i've put some fingerpicking with a capo at fret 5 and some quietly sung vocals.
As for why the word failed is on its own, i wanted it to sound like the persona was struggling to come to terms with not being able to be a child again [and sort of not being able to take the pain away]. Plus the fact it's not an important word on its own makes the persona's emotions strongers and also 'failing' is a cornerstone of the peice as its one of her main emotions...
Or maybe I put it there because it looked pretty!

Oh and the ending, I do understand what you're saying as an ending, but I liked it because to me it held the peice together - the past and the present - and also gave it a sort of trapped feeling. Like the abuse had happened to the characters in the past, in the present and most defintely in the future.

Again, perhaps I put too much thought into these things!

Feel free to add me and listen to more hilarious jokes such as the above.
Last edited by pirates_ftw at Aug 6, 2008,