#1
I was planning on editing this for a couple days, but I can't bring myself to do it. This piece is about my job. I don't work on an ice cream truck, but I deal with kids, so there's some similarities. I'm not looking for crits on rhythm n such, as much as the concept itself, and how it was displayed. Crits will be returned if you remind me.

My grandpa got me a job
Working on an Ice Cream truck
I just sit there in the back
Better that the asphalt hot.

“What flavor’s your favorite?”
“Cherry, I guess.”

We’ve got these bag n’ boxes.
It looks like nasty stuff,
But frozen, it’s alright.

“What flavor’s your favorite?”
“I don’t really eat this stuff.”

They ship ‘em to our house
And I shove them in the back
Straight from Grandma’s kitchen
By that I mean the market.
You didn’t think we made this stuff,
Did you?

“What flavor’s your favorite?”
“They all taste the same.”

The truck broke down one day
The guy before us did delivery
And ran these gravel roads
Way back in the county.
So this thing hardly moves
It wouldn’t pass inspection
But don’t tell the kids that.

“What flavor’s your favorite?”
“SHUT THE F*CK UP!.”

I’m sorry to have yelled
Didn’t want to disenchant
But I do this every day

I hate this ****ing job.
#2
It starts out decently, except the capitalization of 'ice cream' and the beginning of every line, not necessary (you should know that by now). The last line of S1 makes little sense. Aside from those two things I'm going to focus just on the quote parts, since they really made the story.

When I read the first quote I became mildly more interested, then when the next came along even more so. This continued until the last, where I really was disenchanted with the whole thing, and not in a way that is beneficial to your story. First of all, if you want to write Fuck and not have to mess up the appearance, quote me to find out how I did it. Secondly, it is unbecoming of a writer to lose his cool during his piece of writing.

I might suggest moving the first dialogue in place of the last, if you're able to follow through with a new ending as well (the current ending isn't good enough that it need be left untouched). If changing the whole ending doesn't appeal, then I would at least not begin with saying you're favourite flavour - it should build up to that. As you have it the rest of the dialogues don't chronologically make much sense. I would try the former before the latter, a new ending and rearranged dialogue could bring this together nicely.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#3
The capitalization was an accident. I copied this from Word, and it capitalized each line automatically.
And I thought I knew how to to the swearing thing, but the preview came out wrong. I'll check yours.

And thanks for the crit. I know the verses need alot of work, but the concept, the quotes, was what I really wanted to hear about.
#4
its alright, doesnt seem very deep, its kind of presented very bluntly, but i geuss that s your style or somthing. the story seems very matter of fact, so yeah, i geuss you are gonna work all that stuff out when you edit. i like it though...
#5
As per normal, with your excellent work, there is very little I can grab onto and flay around in disgust. A detailed crit would only annoy me - it really would - so I will just speak my mind.

This is blunt like a Samuari Sword made by cave men. Why is that so? I can't pinpoint what the 'problem' is or where it lays, its just too straight and in your face, but without brave and bold words and devices.
The progression of the feelings and emotions of having a job as debilitating as this is nicely outlined - the gradual increase in anger I am referring to - but there's, unfortunately, no real sense of belonging and fear that this will also, most likely, fall upon myself and many others. You could of focused on the loss of effort you have and how sorry you could be for everyone else in their respective positions in life. You have a great idea that could of been so much more.
I reckon Billyjson nailed the head down pretty tight on this coffin so I don't have a lot more to say than what I just mentioned.

I hope I helped.

Digitally Clean
#6
I liked the way it was presented, it really felt like you were telling a story. However, you lost me with "Shut the f*ck up" didn't like that. It totally seemed out of place. I was ready for another indifferent response, and that is what I wanted. The anger of what you wrote takes it to a different place, and I didn't like that. And the "I hate this f*cking job" was also in the same category. Not only that, but it is too obvious. You should make it so that we understand you hate your job without having to outright tell us. Other than the ending though, it was really good.

http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=927950
#7
Eh, the repetition to show a tedious feeling isn't exactly original, and here it wasn't executed brilliantly either in my opinion. The whole piece sort of read for me like, just another piece, whilst you get everything under your belt in order to progress with your writing.

It's not horrible, I just get this now and again reading pieces that read like filler in a writers portfolio rather than something well written, if you get me.

Which, in a way, is good.
#8
The longer stanza's weren't really too notable for me, just describing the situation in a not-too-interesting fashion (which I suppose befits the job you are depicting itself). The quote sections were what hooked me, watching the slow decline of your attitude. I agree with Billyjson about your swearing in this piece. I see how you feel (my work does that to me every day), but it really does diminish from the rest of the writing.