#1
If the toaster wasn't broken
and the box not already open,
perhaps I would be occupied.
But now I'm left
unsatisfied.


I want to light years in seconds,
build constellations out of beans
and watch them grow.
I want to figure out
where all these shadows are going, and
why they look so much like my window.
I want to catch those pesky satellites
and even once I realize they're only
fluorescent flies
I want to catch some more,
just to say I did.
I want to wear sunglasses to Broadway,
play guitar in the dark,
feel small
to dream big.
I want to run,
jump,
scream, louder than the clichés,
play with guns, knives, hooks
and once I'm banned from the library,
keep all my overdue books.

I want a lot of things
and this is just a start,
but all I really want right now
is a stale, untoasted poptart.


crits will be returned, remind me if I still owe you
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
Last edited by Billyjson at Aug 6, 2008,
#2
Quote by Billyjson
If the toaster weren't broken
and the box not already open,
perhaps I would be occupied.
But now I'm left
unsatisfied.
I didn't like the flow at the end.. I kept wanting to read it as "But now/ I'm left unsatisfied"... It made it seem too forced to rhyme or something.


I want to light years in seconds,
There's a word missing in this line, I suspect.
build constellations out of beans
and watch them grow.
I want to figure out
where all these shadows are going, and
why they look so much like my window.
The comma between "going" and "and" creates an awkward pause for me. And it's improper comma placement (which doesn't really bother me, just figured I'd point that out in case you had it there because of the conjunction).
I want to catch those pesky satellites
and even once I realize they're only
fluorescent flies
I want to catch some more,
just to say I did.
I want to wear sunglasses to Broadway,
play guitar in the dark,
"I want to wear sunglasses. . . in the dark," lost some of the "good" for me. Your imagery and poetry and wording and all that was good until those two lines. They just weren't... Moving? Powerful? I'm not sure of the word, but they just weren't cutting it for me.
feel small
to dream big.
I want to run,
jump,
scream, louder than the clichés,
play with guns, knives, hooks
Hooks seemed random to me. It doesn't seem to fit the "guns, knives" lol.
and once I'm banned from the library,
keep all my overdue books.

I want a lot of things
and this is just a start,
but all I really want right now
is a stale, untoasted poptart.
I think that the "and" sort of messes up the flow here. It might go better if you rewrite/reword it to something like "I want a lot of things, this is just a start; but all I really want right now. . ."


Hope I helped some.
Care to check mine out? http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=923271 =)
#3
Quote by Billyjson
If the toaster weren't broken
and the box not already open,
perhaps I would be occupied.
But now I'm left
unsatisfied.
There are several things that popped in my mind. First off, I liked the line break here to guide the rhythm. As far as the whole poptart theme, I read this, I read the ending, and I don't feel a connection between the two. Moreso, I didn't feel that the intro was neccessary to the piece, or that it contributed to the piece at all. However, I do feel that something like this should be at the beginning, to prepare the reader for the mood and scene that you have set up, but this isn't it. The latter half of this piece had me thinking playful youth, which I hope you were going for. However, this didn't employ the same thought, even after reading through the piece. It seems as if a connection is really needed there, and that the theme is begging for it, but it doesn't connect.


I want to light years in seconds,
I can't tell if the grammar here is intentional or not.
build constellations out of beans
This felt like a good image.
and watch them grow.
I want to figure out
I'm noticing a recurring theme here. Namely, that every though starts with "I want". The reason I bring that up is because of what it does to your rhythm. It gives your piece an anchor, which is good, and allows you to work with different rhythms. What I'd like to see, possibly, are different sets of lines. If each thought starts with "I want", then there's no reason to cling to triplets, right.
where all these shadows are going, and
why they look so much like my window.
Liked the internal rhyming here. It seemed to have created a flow about the piece, while giving it cohesion.
I want to catch those pesky satellites
Maybe it's not important to you, but I saw a major opporotunity here. I thought that this might need some structural connection with something to give it that extra ummph. Hypothetically, replace "satellites" with "jets". It gets an internal rhyme with "catch", which makes for an easy transition.
and even once I realize they're only
fluorescent flies
I didn't like the line break here. Ending on "only" made the bit feel very abrupt.
I want to catch some more,
just to say I did.
I want to wear sunglasses to Broadway,
play guitar in the dark,
feel small
to dream big.
I want to run,
jump,
scream, louder than the clichés,
Though its meter varied, this flowed quite nicely. Lines three and four worked well together. My only complaint is that the last line shouldn't have a comma after "scream".
play with guns, knives, hooks
and once I'm banned from the library,
keep all my overdue books.
That's a snappy little rhyme.

I want a lot of things
and this is just a start,
but all I really want right now
is a stale, untoasted poptart.


crits will be returned, remind me if I still owe you


Sorry if my crit doesn't work exactly the way it was planned. It took me half an hour to write it, so that's all you're getting I did enjoy the piece. My only real complaint was the lackluster intro. It was just a dude jonesin' for a Poptart.

My piece is in my sig, if you want to crit.
#4
Thank you both for the critiques. There is nothing missing from that line, it was quite intentional. As you will notice Ninja, there are only two actual 'triplets' in the whole thing, but thank you for the observation.

Crits have been returned.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
Last edited by Billyjson at Aug 5, 2008,
#5
- "feel small
to dream big." - This stuck out to me.

- "and once I'm banned from the library,
keep all my overdue books." - Also this.

The ending was neat.

I didn't vibe the first verse personally and the way it ran into the next sections, it felt like it was supposed to set the scene, and then you would move onto the bulk of it, but it didn't seem to seem to interlink with the middle section enough for you to keep it locked in your brain whilst you mull over the rest of the song. Its not until the end that I noticed the strong relevance, and thats just distracting to my eyes. Maybe to others it would flow without hiccup, but not for me. I am a loner and I will always be.

I have read many pieces that have a similar "I want this-that-and-the-other..." theme, so I'm not overly zealous towards this.
You did have some lovely little lines and hooks, rhymes and imagery, weighting this down but thats standard I guess.

Its sweet and real, thats all that it needs to be.

Digitally Clean
#7
If the toaster weren't broken
i hate contractions.
yes, i know not appears on the next line.
i don't do not care.

and the box not already open,
perhaps I would be occupied.
But now I'm left
unsatisfied.


I want to light years in seconds,
tricky play on words here. this will cause a rocky read for many.
build constellations out of beans
really enjoyed the suBtle reference to Jack.
and watch them grow.
I want to figure out
where all these shadows are going, and
why they look so much like my window.
I want to catch those pesky satellites
and even once I realize they're only
fluorescent flies
I want to catch some more,
just to say I did.
I want to wear sunglasses to Broadway,
play guitar in the dark,
feel small
to dream big.
I want to run,
jump,
scream, louder than the clichés,
play with guns, knives, hooks
and once I'm banned from the library,
keep all my overdue books.

I want a lot of things
and this is just a start,
but all I really want right now
is a stale, untoasted poptart.
the dreamer satisfied with things as they are.
pleasant, but unexpected ending.

it might be interesting to see all the repetitions of I want to
broken out to separate lines.

good un.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#8
Quote by AngryGoldfish

I didn't vibe the first verse personally and the way it ran into the next sections, it felt like it was supposed to set the scene, and then you would move onto the bulk of it, but it didn't seem to seem to interlink with the middle section enough for you to keep it locked in your brain whilst you mull over the rest of the song. Its not until the end that I noticed the strong relevance, and thats just distracting to my eyes. Maybe to others it would flow without hiccup, but not for me. I am a loner and I will always be.


That was one issue I was dealing with, but in the end I just decided the leap would have to work, so as not to overextend the intro. As you might have guessed, that was the last thing I wrote, and it was just meant to be a quick lead-in (to compliment the end more than anything). I'm still mulling over other options for that.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#10
Quote by Billyjson
If the toaster weren't broken
and the box not already open,
perhaps I would be occupied.
But now I'm left
unsatisfied.
Nothing about this section was really noteworthy to me. Didn't really enjoy it.


I want to light years in seconds,
If this is a play on words, kudos. Piece has already improved tenfold
build constellations out of beans
and watch them grow.
Awesome image
I want to figure out
where all these shadows are going, and
why they look so much like my window.
I want to catch those pesky satellites
and even once I realize they're only
fluorescent flies
I want to catch some more,
just to say I did.
Nicely put.
I want to wear sunglasses to Broadway,
play guitar in the dark,
feel small
to dream big.
If you change one thing about this stanza, fix this. It is almost a pathetic line. I know it is important, just say it in a better way... sorry if this seems harsh, the rest of the piece is just so good in comparison.
I want to run,
jump,
scream, louder than the clichés,
play with guns, knives, hooks
and once I'm banned from the library,
keep all my overdue books.
I liked this section a lot.

I want a lot of things
and this is just a start,
Kind of a useless summary statement here...
but all I really want right now
is a stale, untoasted poptart.
This line seems to run on a bit, but it is a good way to end it anyways.


crits will be returned, remind me if I still owe you


The majority of this was extremely good, but a few parts of it really were a step down from your usual writing.
#12
I believe you're correct, thanks for the catch.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.