#1
Whats up guys, I'm new to the forums, and I wanted to start out by letting you step into my mind a bit. I was going through a really rough time when I wrote this little chorus. Just recently I went through another rough patch, over the same issue, and had just as hard a time, so I wrote down some other lyrics, and decided to fit this piece in.

Just as a side note, I'm a metalhead, and this was writen in Mushroomhead style.

So heres the chorus, and I'll find the rest later, and update:

Where's my Starsky?
Where's my Hutch?
Where's my love,
without a crutch?
Where's my Bonnie,
when I play Clyde?
Am I Jeckle,
or am I Hyde?

Like I said, I'll get the rest of the lyrics later


peace
#3
um...bud...lyrics follow a prety harsh "to each his own" rule sometimes and well...you must admit, it is prety simple...it may not be honest to you, but to other people who have had all of their friends turn on them all at one time, including the loved one that they were set to be wed over the same issue, it may be...brutal, I'll admit, was a mistake on my part...but only because I cant get a sound file of the whole thing, and beautiful?...I put that in there because I thought I had the rest of the lyrics with me

to bad UG doesnt have a "mojo bar"

score -1 for humanity
score -1 for basic psycology
score -1 for philosophy


I think I just found the PBN forums of the music world
Washburn Strat-Pro HSS X-Series<--->Digitech Death Metal<--->Morley Classic Wah<--->Crate DX2x12

Vocalist, Guitarist, Bassist, Trombonist, Percussionist, Indie label owner, Indie producer, preformer...so ADD ME! - www.myspace.com/god_of_the_hunt
#4
They seem good to me. Catchy, but not annoyingly so. I like to read the rest. I'm not sure what's wrong with that guy though...
#5
Quote by ChrissyV
Where's my Starsky?
Where's my Hutch?
Where's my love,
without a crutch?
Where's my Bonnie,
when I play Clyde?
Am I Jeckle,
or am I Hyde?

Not much to critique here really... It's very simple, and, so far, it's rather cliche. When you get the rest up, I'll check it out and leave a better critique. And, I can imagine them going over an old Metallica-esque riff.

Also, I wouldn't judge an entire population off of one person... Give us a chance. =)

Care to check mine? http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=923271 =)
#6
Quote by Something_Vague
four words that fail to describe this.


I agree, the title is incredibly pretentious and the lyrics are nothing special at all. The only time I'd let something like this fly is if the author was being sardonic, or if they knew they were being arrogant and were doing it intentionally to compliment the writing. Neither applies to you. I would suggest being more humble if you wish to be taken seriously.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#7
Billyjson - thank you for actualy puting some reasoning behind not liking it, and giving some advice.
Garb - ...well...1. - The end of this post will be the full lyrics set, so lemme know ^.^ 2. - Dude...Awesome call, so awesome infact, that the riff is the "bridge" of Metallica's Enter Sandman...just messed around with, and I'll check the rest tomoz :yawns:
Supergerbil - Thank you...and in return for your advice...I'll give you some...stay away from microwaves, piranah tanks, HumVees, donkey rectums, and always remember...Supaflies are awsome XD

Joe Cartoon FTW

and here we go...The actual name of the song is "Girl (The Battle Within)" and just so the end of the second verse is easier to understand...a little more of me...I'm 5'11", 235lbs, and I'm Bisexual...it sounds like TMI...but you'll get it in a min

here we go:

Girl (The Battle Within) -


spoken word style poem:

Verse 1:
Girl of my dreams,
come wake this nightmare.
Ballooning my fears,
of staying alone.
Wishing and praying,
dying and making:
my hole just grows, and grows.


music part:

Verse 2:
I hope and I pray,
but it wont go away,
my feelings so insecure.
So the tough guy cant cry?
May I ****ing ask why?
I act "girly",
but your death wish I'll happily sign.


Bridge: SO I'LL ASK!!!


Chorus:
Where's my Starsky?
Where's my Hutch?
Where's my love,
without a crutch?
Wheres my Bonnie,
when I play Clyde?
Am I Jeckle?
Or am I Hyde?

thats what I've got so far...also, the link to my MySpace is in my sig...I update lyrics, and such everyonce and a while...so go ahead and add me if you like...

just tell me your from UG ^.^
Washburn Strat-Pro HSS X-Series<--->Digitech Death Metal<--->Morley Classic Wah<--->Crate DX2x12

Vocalist, Guitarist, Bassist, Trombonist, Percussionist, Indie label owner, Indie producer, preformer...so ADD ME! - www.myspace.com/god_of_the_hunt
#8
Quote by ChrissyV
I'm 5'11", 235lbs, and I'm Bisexual...it sounds like TMI...but you'll get it in a min



HOME RUN.








Seriously though, I didn't like it.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#9
Quote by ChrissyV



Where's my Starsky?
Where's my Hutch?
Where's my love,
without a crutch?
BAD


Where's my Bonnie,
when I play Clyde?
Am I Jeckle,
or am I Hyde?
GOOD



not much to crit, hated the first bit seemed really cheesy to me but the 2nd bit flowed rather well
#11
Verse 1:
Girl of my dreams,
come wake this nightmare.cute
Ballooning my fears,i htink ballooning is a terrible word to use
of staying alone.
Wishing and praying,ugh wishing and prayign is a terrible cliche
dying and making:meh. feels like a filler
my hole just grows, and grows.grows is repetitive


music part:

Verse 2:
I hope and I pray,hope and pray, bad. boring and dull
but it wont go away,meh weak
my feelings so insecure.same thing as above
So the tough guy cant cry?
May I ****ing ask why?swearing is totally unnecessary
I act "girly",
but your death wish I'll happily sign.mm weak ending


Bridge: SO I'LL ASK!!!


Chorus:
Where's my Starsky?
Where's my Hutch?
Where's my love,
without a crutch?
Wheres my Bonnie,
when I play Clyde?
Am I Jeckle?
Or am I Hyde?

mmm i think this is. kind of weak. i think you can do so much more with betryal and heart break then listing cliche names of common partners either villians or hero's that walk hand in hand. its ok to say these names just do somethign more with them. u can allude to them but listing.. IN FACT i can list too:frank sinatra, ray charles, tony bennet, neil armstrong. see it's boring, hell i almost shot my self after the second name. gotta engage the reader with something.

overall. i think this is a very weak piece. perhaps you should read other people's work on the forum and see what they do and figure out what works or what doenst work. just to warn you there are a lot of weak pieces here as well, which is ok but i mean we are always here to help, id suggest lookin at maybe my name is petes, angry goldfish, zanacross, #1 sliths, work.
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
#12
This really doesn't do much for me. Name-checking Starsky and Hutch, I could see that in like a Feist indie-type flight-of-fancy song, but I don't think that's what you are after here, so I think those kind of references are pretty hard to pull off without sounding corny. But what I absolutely love- is the title. When I saw it, I assumed there would be a chorus built around, 'Simple, Honest, Brutal, Beautiful' It's a very melodic chain of words that could be applied to everything from a personality to life itself. As the majority of posters have suggested, re-write the song. But I say re-write it around that title, and see what you come out with!