#1
Thanks for reading. This is just some concept stuff, some lines, I'm missing most evidently a chorus/hook. To get the right cadence/flow, imagine a sort of Rage Against the Machine/Flobots/Atmosphere type of singer/rapper. Any and all comments welcome, the more help the better. cheers.


**We interrupt your regularly scheduled broadcast
to bring you SOMETHING THAT YOU WILL NOT HEAR ON YOUR
REGULARLY.....SCHEDULED.......BROADCAST!!**

Welcome to the show
Don't attempt to change the station
I'm your new Minister of Public Information
I'm the end-all, be-all source of everything known
I know you'll believe 'cause I got the biggest microphone

Size is power
You can feel my guns
I'm a god in my own mirror
So I guess I must be one
I stole my blue blood with hustle and muscle
And sometimes I care about the people who suffer

Now that we've established exactly who I am
Please remove your thinking caps and let me fill you in

The brand you trust
For two hundred years, our paper's like gold
Put your faith in your fathers, we'll buy you all you can hold
I would buy your soul too but I can see it's already sold
Exchanged in advance for a MasterCard Gold
You play the game so well you hardly need to be told

But in case your memory's hazy
Let me explain how it works-
Basically you work
And I take a small percentage
Something in between, say,
your freedom and your leverage

In return you get a spangle
The instrumental pride
Keep it shiny or we might see
All the emptiness inside

Three branches bent into perfect rings
Where the acrobats fly and the seductress sings
And we're all left to wonder what's become of things

Has the world gone mad?
Is it really that bad?
Should we all just sit back and blame mom and dad?
Can you trust anyone who's got a wallet to pad?
If you ever read the paper you might come across this ad:

Wanted-
Someone to help put a house in order
A major fixer-upper with a thousand-mile border
The salary for you
Is a debt of gratitude
To go with NINE TRILLION DOLLARS THAT ARE ALREADY DUE

An IOU to the next generation
Whose only real wish is a proper explanation
WHY THREE HUNDRED MILLION PEOPLE TOOK AN EXTENDED THOUGHT VACATION
And didn't tell the neighbors to tend the vegetation


When winds began to blow
When towers began to fall
When storms began to come ashore
With rain to drown it all

We looked up to the sky for help
With shaking outstretched hands
And did just what we've always done
Simply watch and stand.


ATM
#3
I got through crit'ing it using the quote n comment method. Then I realised I pretty much said the same thing for almost every stanza:

FLOW FLOW FLOW

Alot of the song just doesn't scan well for me, you may have a rhythm up in your head, but as your doing some RATM style stuff, you need to be able to flow with the lyrics, which I can't see happening with these lyrics.
All I want is for everyone to go to hell...
...It's the last place I was seen before I lost myself



Quote by DisarmGoliath
You can be the deputy llamma of the recordings forum!
#4
Right away; the title does not fit the piece, making for an awkward introduction into the song. Interesting enough opening, ignoring that. Then it begins to get rocky with the attempted rhymes. Every single one sounds forced, and I'll tell you why: you wrote it with the rhyme in mind, not the story itself. This makes everything but the rhyming words seem like filling with no significance, and makes the rhyme itself pointless. I tell people all the time, rhymes with either come naturally or not at all, and this is a perfect example of where 'not at all' would be of aid.

I'm a god in my own mirror
So I guess I must be one

The wording did not match what you were trying to say here. Right now the first line says it all, with the next just unnecessary repetition.

I could go ape on other lines, but I've already mentioned the rhyming and that's the major source of my agitation. The ending was enjoyable, as was the story in whole, but it could use a makeover.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#5
Ha ha, yes I should have explained the title. Basically I didn't have one but I wrote most of the piece whiling away the time in airports and just watching people. That should have been included in the introduction so people were aware it wasn't intrinsic in the piece, sorry. I'll try to title it something different in a new incarnation.

And then for flow I got two polar opposite views, don't much know what to do with that one. Although I thought it was interesting that Chemical had a problem with internal verse flow it seems, whereas I thought the piece was most vulnerable on the flow between the different verses.

Walking that rhyme line is a tight one for sure. I agree that in some ways it really would have benefited from less structure there, but as a song/rap instead of a poem the rhymes are a big component of the flow. Perhaps I could split the difference.
#6
i basically want to echo what billyjson said. while i don't see a problem with treating rhyme as a major component and that somtimes it does take work/doesn't come naturally, i think that it's always a bad idea to let rhyme dictate the content ebcause your message is then compromised.

Has the world gone mad?
Is it really that bad?
Should we all just sit back and blame mom and dad?
Can you trust anyone who's got a wallet to pad?

that part in particular was noticeably forced and weak.

Three branches bent into perfect rings
Where the acrobats fly and the seductress sings
And we're all left to wonder what's become of things

i like the way you described the first two lines, interesting ideas, but the third/final line is pretty weak in comparison and ruins the effect. it's just not powerful enough a message and is another example of a throwaway line for the sake of rhyme. i think the last two stanzas were pretty decent though.

basically it's not a bad piece, but you should try experimenting with your styles of writing, possibly trying to write with content in mind before rhyme. it'll get easier with experience. but when you start out, write without limitations on yourself. write what you want to say, without trying to rhyme. it'll help you leaps and bounds.

hope that helps, if you get a chance to look at mine in my sig, that'd be great.
#7
You have some very clever rhythms but there is no real point to your rap. I was trying to get into a groove or trying to see where your story was going but it never clicked. As soon as I thought I was getting at what you were trying to say you completely changed subjects and there was no apparent overall theme.

I'm a god in my own mirror
So I guess I must be one

This line could have been really good but it was delivered wrong. "So I guess I must be one" is a really blunt way of putting it when most rap is amazing when rappers but amazing analogies and twists on ideas.

I believe you have alot of potential and could really do something amazing if you are willing to tell a story with clever rhythms.

c4c?
#8
Rrreally nice
Maybe you could make a backing track for the lyrics, It will make it easier to imagine the complete song
NB, thanks for the comment on my song
#9
let me begin my honest crit, personally this isnt my kind of writing style, but to each there own right? the flow is decnt, could be approved apon, the ryhme is generally good, seems a tad forced at times, also it seems a tad wordy/long but becuase its a rap? song im guessing that it wont matter. overal pretty good, i like it, its just not my cup of tea.

also thanks for the crit! i took what you said and thought about it and i changed pretty much everything you mentioned
Just call me Bobby
Member of the official GB&C "Who to Listen to" list
Quote by mikeyElite
you build guitars worthy of sexual favors

Quote by Invader Jim
if this party gets any livelier a funeral is gonna break out.
#10
Quote by ATM*
Thanks for reading. This is just some concept stuff, some lines, I'm missing most evidently a chorus/hook. To get the right cadence/flow, imagine a sort of Rage Against the Machine/Flobots/Atmosphere type of singer/rapper. Any and all comments welcome, the more help the better. cheers.


**We interrupt your regularly scheduled broadcast
to bring you SOMETHING THAT YOU WILL NOT HEAR ON YOUR
REGULARLY.....SCHEDULED.......BROADCAST!!**
I think this gives it sort of an energetic opening not sure if that what you were going for but it works.

Welcome to the show
Don't attempt to change the station
I'm your new Minister of Public Information
I'm the end-all, be-all source of everything known
I know you'll believe 'cause I got the biggest microphone
I liked everything up until the biggest microphone part. I don't know if its just me but it just doesn't seem to fit.

Size is power
You can feel my guns
I'm a god in my own mirror
So I guess I must be one
I stole my blue blood with hustle and muscle
And sometimes I care about the people who suffer
Its a good stanza on its own, but I just don't feel the connection between the two stanza's.

Now that we've established exactly who I am
Please remove your thinking caps and let me fill you in
These lines really stick out to me, but for good reasons. Really clever lines and quite enjoyable.

The brand you trust
For two hundred years, our paper's like gold
Put your faith in your fathers, we'll buy you all you can hold
I would buy your soul too but I can see it's already sold
Exchanged in advance for a MasterCard Gold
You play the game so well you hardly need to be told
Okay, this verse I don't really like. I think that the "old" rhymes got a tad overused and brought down the stanza a bit.

But in case your memory's hazy
Let me explain how it works-
Basically you work
And I take a small percentage
Something in between, say,
your freedom and your leverage
And bang your back again. I really like this stanza, though I think your piece would be better if taken the last stanza out because so far everything else is good.

In return you get a spangle
The instrumental pride
Keep it shiny or we might see
All the emptiness inside
Again like this stanza though I'm not really feeling the connections between stanza's. Since I'm not an avid listener to rap I'm not sure if thats normal or not but its just something I thought to point out.

Three branches bent into perfect rings
Where the acrobats fly and the seductress sings
And we're all left to wonder what's become of things

Has the world gone mad?
Is it really that bad?
Should we all just sit back and blame mom and dad?
Can you trust anyone who's got a wallet to pad?
If you ever read the paper you might come across this ad:
Here we go these two work together really well. I really like the imagery of these two stanza's.

Wanted-
Someone to help put a house in order
A major fixer-upper with a thousand-mile border
The salary for you
Is a debt of gratitude
To go with NINE TRILLION DOLLARS THAT ARE ALREADY DUE
Its seems like its getting a bit jumpy, but its still pretty good.

An IOU to the next generation
Whose only real wish is a proper explanation
WHY THREE HUNDRED MILLION PEOPLE TOOK AN EXTENDED THOUGHT VACATION
And didn't tell the neighbors to tend the vegetation
The last line throws me off a bit. I'm not quite sure what to make of it or exactly what you meant by it.

When winds began to blow
When towers began to fall
When storms began to come ashore
With rain to drown it all

We looked up to the sky for help
With shaking outstretched hands
And did just what we've always done
Simply watch and stand.
These two work great together again, and two great stanza that would do great on there own as verses.

ATM


Overall I liked, definitely could hear it with dist. guitar behind it haha. The main or really only thing I didn't quite like was that most the of stanza's didn't connect with each other. At some parts its talking about something thats like important and then it starts talking about money. Thats just my thoughts on it sorry for the delay I haven't had much time to come on really and thanks for the crit
#11
i love it. i wish i could write rap pieces like this. i don't know your music style, but this could literally stand as a rap piece on its own, i was hearing "express yourself" by NWA (you probably know it even if you don't know it by name) as i read most of the sections/verses/whatever... I hope it flows well with the rock, cuz its got mad flow as it is


Saying the Red Hot Chili Peppers have no talent is like saying Guy Fawkes didn't have an epic mustache.
#12
ummm chemical fire a lot has a space in between it its A LOT lol the song is great. goes easy and i think the lyrics flow easy. good job.
#13
Great Song. Very powerful lyrics i think. I love how they flow so nicely. And it has a very true meaning to it, it is exactly what is going on in the world today. I think this would be a great song if u put music to it.
#14
Thanks for the crits. Courtz_ I think makes the points that are most similar to what I though and also what several other people alluded to- the piece could be stronger by tightening up some of the lines, keeping it from seeming too scattered. But more importantly, creating more continuity between the verses. The more I look at it, the more I see that it's all the same theme, but hits at too many subjects. I'm going to try to clean up the lines and smooth out the flow, and I'll be back in a few weeks with what is hopefully a much improved piece. I appreciate the help, and all of the really positive comments too! In the meantime I'll try to have a different piece out in a week or so. Cheers all!
#15
Quote by ATM*
Thanks for reading. This is just some concept stuff, some lines, I'm missing most evidently a chorus/hook. To get the right cadence/flow, imagine a sort of Rage Against the Machine/Flobots/Atmosphere type of singer/rapper. Any and all comments welcome, the more help the better. cheers.


**We interrupt your regularly scheduled broadcast
to bring you SOMETHING THAT YOU WILL NOT HEAR ON YOUR
REGULARLY.....SCHEDULED.......BROADCAST!!**

Welcome to the show
Don't attempt to change the station
I'm your new Minister of Public Information
I'm the end-all, be-all source of everything known
I know you'll believe 'cause I got the biggest microphone

Size is power
You can feel my guns
I'm a god in my own mirror
So I guess I must be one
I stole my blue blood with hustle and muscle
I liked this line. The alliteration and asonance work very well
And sometimes I care about the people who suffer

Now that we've established exactly who I am
Please remove your thinking caps and let me fill you in

The brand you trust
For two hundred years, our paper's like gold
Put your faith in your fathers, we'll buy you all you can hold
I would buy your soul too but I can see it's already sold
Exchanged in advance for a MasterCard Gold
You play the game so well you hardly need to be told

But in case your memory's hazy
Let me explain how it works-
Basically you work
And I take a small percentage
Something in between, say,
your freedom and your leverage

In return you get a spangle
The instrumental pride
Keep it shiny or we might see
All the emptiness inside

Three branches bent into perfect rings
Where the acrobats fly and the seductress sings
And we're all left to wonder what's become of things

Has the world gone mad?
Is it really that bad?
Should we all just sit back and blame mom and dad?
Can you trust anyone who's got a wallet to pad?
If you ever read the paper you might come across this ad:

Wanted-
Someone to help put a house in order
A major fixer-upper with a thousand-mile border
The salary for you
Is a debt of gratitude
To go with NINE TRILLION DOLLARS THAT ARE ALREADY DUE

An IOU to the next generation
Whose only real wish is a proper explanation
WHY THREE HUNDRED MILLION PEOPLE TOOK AN EXTENDED THOUGHT VACATION
And didn't tell the neighbors to tend the vegetation
I'm unsure of the vegetation for word choice, but it does flow well

When winds began to blow
When towers began to fall
When storms began to come ashore
With rain to drown it all
This, for me, is the best verse. Maybe edit the storms one, for a one word end instead of come ashore. Possibly thunder or rage as a substitute. Using one word may be more effective and keep with the others
We looked up to the sky for help
With shaking outstretched hands
And did just what we've always done
Simply watch and stand.


ATM


Very fluid and you've described the theme without cliches. I liked it.