#1
again, i know i shouldnt

to be surprised
he tossed a cigarette butt
off of the overpass
watching its fifty foot descent
onto the Long Island Expressway

it was nine o´clock on a Friday evening
the passing cars provided the only lights and sounds
the air, humid and still

he stood at the edge
looked down;
he felt an incredible urge
a curious whim

it was an urge he´d fought many times before
today
he did not fight
today
he raised his arms
and fell forward

in the moment before impact
he did not regret--
he simply hoped
that the universe
would surprise him
#4
Quote by punchupatatigge
i have, thanks



so why did you post two pieces in one day?




love is a dog from hell.



#5
Quote by we have sound

so why did you post two pieces in one day?


He didn't.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#8
its rly dark and whatnot but the structure is good for putting to music prolly a alt-emo type. AS for the lyrics themselves i have no complaints you have certainly got what you were going for :P
~Defiant~
#9
Quote by punchupatatigge
again, i know i shouldnt

to be surprised
he tossed a cigarette butt
off of the overpass
watching its fifty foot descent
onto the Long Island Expressway

Nothing here was particularly spectacular or mind blowing; just the same old scenery but wait... with cigarettes. You need to be more ambitious and fierce with your delivery.

it was nine o´clock on a Friday evening
the passing cars provided the only lights and sounds
the air, humid and still

This was a little too compressed to stay on its own as an individual tercet stanza. Maybe an introduction to a character or yourself might fulfill that relationship with the reader; it all feels detached and impassive.

he stood at the edge
looked down;
he felt an incredible urge
a curious whim

I particularly enjoyed the unconventional style of writing here. The half-rhyme; "edge" and "urge" did wonders. No complaints here.

it was an urge he´d fought many times before
today
he did not fight
today
he raised his arms
and fell forward

This is a bit too subtle but the imagery reminded me of a lot of 90's American movies; if that was what you were aiming for then kudos. "He'd" didn't go well with your flow maybe just change it to "he had". The line breaks were also quite irritating and made a lot of it feel detached and like a chore. Fix that and I think you'll have a winner.

in the moment before impact
he did not regret--
he simply hoped
that the universe
would surprise him

This didn't contain the pizazz that I was expecting. Nothing here was crafty woven into a nice conclusion, a nice picture. It felt rather contrived which made everything here forgettable. It mostly had to do with the phrasing and the entity to which you've decided to base/compare your images to.
Overall, it's not bad. I believe that I've read better from you but nonetheless I'm glad to see you back, we need more regulars my friend.

PS: If you have time could you please comment on my latest piece "Untitled" currently referred to as "And I" . Thank you in advance.
Last edited by Bleed Away at Oct 10, 2008,
#10
i liked it in its shortness and simplicity...to me it read like a short poem though and i'm not yet sure what would have put it into the realm of lyrics for me. Then again, many lyrics only really come to full fruition within their musical setting. dark but distant, i could see the idea as a really short silent film...
all you have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to you...