#1
Crit4Crit

Every time that you flinch,
You’re letting me in again,
Drying out your mouth,
You’re dying inch by inch.

And as your memories fade,
I see a whole new life,
Don’t bother with your plans,
This is a fallen crusade.

Here we stand,
As you fall,
You buckle under the pressure.

Keep up and you’ll go blind,
Forget those petrified,
Indulgent suicide,
Submerged in Cyanide Rain.

Avoid the principle,
This life is criminal,
As you lay flat on your face,
I’m going bald and growing old.

Justify your means,
Testify your ends,
Ignore me if you must,
This is how we set the scene.

Here we stand,
As you fall,
You buckle under the pressure of.

Keep up and you’ll go blind,
Forget those petrified,
Indulgent suicide,
Submerged in Cyanide Rain.

Three counts of matricide,
It helps me sleep at night,
This is the way that she died,
Submerged in Cyanide Rain.
I'm here to help

Quote by Jimbleton
ok, as usual pit is being very unhelpful except andychalmers, so im gonna go post this someplace else


And a master of storytelling...

Quote by Jackolas
andychalmers102, that story is awesome.
Last edited by andychalmers102 at Aug 7, 2008,
#2
Quote by andychalmers102
Every time that you flinch,
You’re letting me in again,
As you melt to empty space,
You’re dying inch by inch.
I enjoyed this stanza. The imagery in the first two lines is good. I'm not sure of the last two lines though.. They sort of dropped the ball. I'd work on them some to make it better.

And as your memories fade,
I see a whole new life,
Don’t bother with your plans,
This is a dead crusade.
Nicely done here... Although, I feel that the wording could be stronger in the last two lines. Just for example, "Fallen" instead of "dead" or something.

I’m shaking,
I’m screaming,
Let’s stay under the radar.
I don't really get this stanza. It doesn't belong, to me. And the last line doesn't belong with the first two.

This is no homicide,
**** all those petrified,
Indulge in suicide,
Submerged in Cyanide Rain.
Each line here is unrelated to the others how it's written. I feel that the third line might be better with "indulgent" instead of "indulge" or maybe even switch it to "in indulgent suicide" if you're going to leave the stanza how it is. And, maybe for the second line, change it from whatever word is starred out to "forget."

You’re no common cold,
Obsessive needs are met,
As you lay flat on your face,
I’m growing old.
I don't really like this stanza. It's weakly worded. Work on that and it'll get better.

Justify your means,
Testify your ends,
Ignore me if you must,
This is how we set the scene.
Nicely worded. I can feel the tension.

I’m shaking,
I’m screaming,
Let’s stay under the radar.

This is no homicide,
**** all those petrified,
Indulge in suicide,
Submerged in Cyanide Rain.

You are my matricide,
It helps me sleep at night,
Sorry I think she died,
Submerged in Cyanide Rain
The first line could stand rewording. Second line is good. Third line needs rewording as well. "sorry" contradicts "matricide." Work on that some.


Overall, it's an okay piece. Just work on your wording and fitting stanzas/lines together. I hope I helped some.

Care to check mine out? http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=923271 =)
#3
Quote by Garb
Overall, it's an okay piece. Just work on your wording and fitting stanzas/lines together. I hope I helped some.

Care to check mine out? http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=923271 =)

Thanks for the crit. I've taken into account what you suggested and changed it quite a bit
I'm here to help

Quote by Jimbleton
ok, as usual pit is being very unhelpful except andychalmers, so im gonna go post this someplace else


And a master of storytelling...

Quote by Jackolas
andychalmers102, that story is awesome.