#1
people are oceans as winter is was
shower together never because
people like whispers. people. perfume.
how sad it is to forget the moon.

people are stars as spring is a cigarette,
as the telephone rings like an orchestra
outside. an artless abstract never
(the strings of the ocean will whisper together)

sad. soul. such. sky.
the mountains are nothing
i am a plumber
people are oceans as winter is summer.

as the clock ticks kill honour we had.
sky. soul. such. sad.
#3
Quote by skagitup
people are oceans as winter is was
I did not have a problem with "winter is was", considering its grammar. However, I do feel that the comparison to oceans is a little weak. Ending a line on a description of winter took the focus off of oceans.
shower together never because
The majority of the words end with "-er", which helped with your rhythm. However, the transition to "never" felt forced and jagged, probably because the words have been rearranged from its common grammar.
people like whispers. people. perfume.
The usage of periods made the rhythm clear.
how sad it is to forget the moon.
So far, this stanza felt very technical. The images didn't really paint a vivid picture for me. In line one, the ocean image was overpowered. Line two required the following line to explain its meaning, and it didn't. Line three didn't feel connected to any theme you may heve, and the periods hurt those words. If you replace them with commas, you would still keep the rhythmic guide.

people are stars as spring is a cigarette,
"Cigarette" did a couple of things. First off, the natural sense stress is CIG-ar-ETTES (you know that, but it's important to keep that in mind). The way your line is set up, the last poetic foot is "cigarettes". It felt like the emphasis on the end of the word tried to force another foot in. Just my opinion.
as the telephone rings like an orchestra
The rhythm here didn't seem hammered down. I had to read it a couple times to see how you used sense stress.
outside. an artless abstract never
(the strings of the ocean will whisper together)
I haven't seen much cohesion between images so far. It's a shame, because that last line is quite lovely.

sad. soul. such. sky.
the mountains are nothing
i am a plumber
people are oceans as winter is summer.
Rhythmically, this is five lines. So having the first line there seemed to offset the rhythm. It wasn't too bad, but it made me question the value of having the first line at all.

as the clock ticks kill honour we had.
sky. soul. such. sad.
I'm very much on the fence as to this line. I didn't like the sound of all that alliteration, but it definitly added some hardness to their sound, which made the rhythm.


My only real complaint is that the images weren't really coming together for me. You have a right to be as layered as possible, so maybe it's just me being shallow minded. Technically, this was a solid piece.
#4
Is it odd to say
these is my favourite lines:

the mountains are nothing
i am a plumber
people are oceans as winter is summer.


I loved that.
I can't get enough of the way you stray
from convention.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#5
Quote by skagitup

people are stars as spring is a cigarette,
as the telephone rings like an orchestra
outside. an artless abstract never
(the strings of the ocean will whisper together)

Quote by skagitup

as the clock ticks kill honour we had.


I really enjoyed these parts in particular, and you're great at creating images in a unique way. I wasn't a huge fan of the single word stops with the periods, mostly because it gave me one of those "coffee house" stereotypical vibes where I could see some guy with a beret and a cigarette reciting them. Other than that I really enjoyed it.

PS: I also really loved your new york piece but I refrained from commenting as it already had a lot and it had been up for awhile.

#6
this was just beautiful.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#7
i don't have anything clever to say, but that was amazing. I'd love to hear it on a melody
"Too weird to live, too rare to die" -HST
#8
Quote by skagitup

people are stars as spring is a cigarette,
as the telephone rings like an orchestra
outside. an artless abstract never
(the strings of the ocean will whisper together)

sad. soul. such. sky.
the mountains are nothing
i am a plumber
people are oceans as winter is summer.

This particularly stuck out to me.

as the clock ticks kill honour we had.
sky. soul. such. sad.


I loved this entirely, the first verse did not qualify, ha!

It was all considerably pretty and very emotional. If that dic-pratt who was moaning at Carmel's writing in the WotM thread was here, he would be happy - finally!

Digitally Clean
#9
frigging well deserved wotw piece.
why, you ask?
let me tell you why:

it's got soul.
what this poem has, is the epitome of the human mechanism.
congratulations to you, Alex.
congratulations, and thank you; you've helped me more than anyone else in discovering this fact throughout good writing.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#10
perhaps just my opinion, but I saw several things I liked more this past week.

Ah, well. All the same, definitely congrats on this. It's still a really cool piece. =]
I owe a ton of people critiques.

If you're one of them, please PM me.

I have trouble keeping track.
#13
^are you saying that's a bad thing?

EDITTODICKBELOWME: how's about we take our own advice and add something particularly helpful to the conversation, eh? it's a simple question that he can either answer, or not. plain and simple. i never planned on getting in an argument about it, just like to hear where he's coming from, m'kay?
thanks.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
Last edited by ottoavist at Aug 11, 2008,
#14
oh god... lets not start drama... congratulation.

never the less. lets criticize him in a more constructive way and say why it's pretentious. or hell jsut give it a full crit if you feel so INSPIRED to.
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
#15
Quote by skagitup
it's a semi-nonsensical, light-hearted, harmless poem about me being sad.

i'd go as far as to say this is perhaps the least pretentious thing i've ever written.

me<-needs help: you've offered absolutely nothing to this thread. please don't post here again.


I can kind of see Teg's angle.

I wouldn't say pretentious, but maybe it the non-sensical style, as you put it, that kind of rubbed me up the wrong way. I think it was amalgation of all the images, and for me it lacked a real punch that grabbed me or made me feel something. Kind of went here and there, poked around but for me it failed to come to a point.

Definitely far from my favourite of yours, and I agree I thought there were pieces there that would have had my vote. But I'm slowly succumbing to your poetry. You have a great way with words, and the rhtyhm and rhyme is coming along extremely well.

Though I am awaiting some more music from you.
#16
i'd agree that this isn't a great piece and certainly agree that it isn't worthy of wotw (not that i don't appreciate it, i really do), i just don't agree that it's pretentious. i'm probably wrong.

ah well, thanks for the comments everyone.
Last edited by skagitup at Aug 11, 2008,
#17
wow. dont be arrogant. i'm not even critisizing anything you did. i jsut said congratulations. you dont need to act like suddenly i'm subordinate to you. prick
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
Last edited by me<-needs help at Aug 11, 2008,
#18
aight here's my critisism then.
1. you lack disapline
2. your a prick
3. i just want to know why trigg thinks it's so pretentious. you cant simply say your retarded when the person is obviously not retarded.
4. you a prick
5. why do you have to be so combative. did your mother not breast feed you enough as a child. so you grew up to be a malnourished tough guy with too much ego.
6. dont bother to reply to this. u can pm and we can continue your little ego trip. b/c i kno the Gm's dont like such cruss crap on the thread. prick.
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
#19
^Warned. Lets all be civilized about this... I thought it was well deserved. Be pretentious or not, whatever makes you write and be happy about what you create. I liked it.
This is not a pipe
#20
it took me a couple of read-throughs to actually get anything out of this. the flow is beautiful, as are your images. but that's really all it was for me. pretty words put together in pretty ways with no real greater meaning. not that that's necessary, but still nice to have.

having said that, on my third or fourth read i finally got it. still nothing that really got me, but i know what you're saying now. and i like it better for that.

the third stanza is gorgeous. but i'm pretty sure i've read better from you. i'm also pretty sure that's already been said before. *shrugs*

p.s. thanks a bunch for the crit on mine. it was super insightful.
ray
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?
#21
right w/e carmel. and i'm not the one that sai dit was pretentious i simply said congratz and tried to simmer down some possibly bad feeligns to avoid another mishap as the last wotw. turning into such a **** storm. and all i said was congratz. and tahts not constructive? posh. w/e ban me but i h ope that in either way that skig might learn some prudence or even manners to others. ungrateful flagrant prick.
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
#22
i apologize for my shortness earlier
for some reason, i didn't elaborate on that

Quote by skagitup

it's about man losing hope in humanity and nature, incase anyone is interested.

that is a part of what led me to call it pretentious.

anyway, my real issue with pieces like this which jump around between words and phrases is just how unfulfilled i feel afterwards. i came out of it having felt no different than i did coming in. it brought me in on no real truth. the question you should ask yourself is really, if this is about man losing hope in humanity and nature, why make it a poem? what does that accomplish? what does making the poem cryptic accomplish? i hope that accessibility has not lost its value.

my issue with this piece over many others was just its use of language. what i always found appealing about poetry (in english) is the relationship between words. this may be unfounded, but it's just how i felt. i always felt that there is something intensely romantic about the sounds of the english language, how the words seem to be married to each other. this piece felt... unnatural

and not unnatural in a good way, or a unique way.

sorry if that comes off as harsh. it's more just the fact that the poetry which affects me most is the poetry that is powerful and accessible, the poetry that gives you a chill down your spine.
#23
You don't need to be sorry for writing something that someone else didn't derive emotion from, mate.
I admit, this not the most beautiful of pieces and it certainly didn't click with me to the fullest extent, as I mentioned already, but writing is a personal thing. If you can see the reader behing the words, feel their emotion, not yours, it all becomes so much more clearer and emotive. Not just a piece of fun like you said skag. There is of course no shame in writing something for the sheer re-reading joy and satifcation that you have created a lovely piece of penmenship with sweet imagery and effective... what-the-fook-ever, there is no denying that as well.

You are not being defensive because you seem to be apologizing by the way you were talking.

You have such a valid point, if you enjoyed writing it and was happy with it, thats all that matters! otto loved it as well, and that one person should incline your ear towards their work, thus making them more personal to you and your life and in turn helping you to view their work in a more resolved, yet ambiguous, and attached fashion, lending a wonderful sense of belonging and self-worth.

A point to mention, Jamie had my thoughts and their details typed out accurately.
On my first few reads I really enjoyed it, just as a piece of reading entertainment, then when I noticed it as a WotW, I decided to read it over and over, as I normally do when a piece has received this award. It does just feel like one image and thought process just leads onto the next with no real sense of hopefullness, depression, happiness or whatever. Then, when I read all your comments and realised, very roughly, what kind of character you are, I began to notice the little details that shine through, once those highlights of your personality became evident.

me>needs>help... I like you, but you need to calm down. You got too much spunk in you, go masturbate or something and release some tension mate! :P
Your jumping to conclusions with people and their personalities, take your time before you berate someone. Its very easy to misunderstand someone on the internet.

BTW, skag, I really respect the way you have a sense of variety towards both your writing style and what you read.