#1
like shards of a broken china mug
slice and stab fingertips
lick with a dry togue to heal
the dull and dead onto the river of red
like a crack in the crust of the earth
in the middle of a childrens park
children lark
attempt the jump and fall four thousand feet to their deaths
in the hot and furious magma
like the pointing of another finger
towards you in accusation
face flushed red
and the tongue hangs loose and indecisive
waiting to see how fast the bloodflow
#2
I really enjoyed the first half, up to children lark. After that it loses flow badly. First line could be just "Like shards of broken china" to shorten. Fourth line is excellent. A lot of similes flying around. Last two lines could be strong if bloodflow became "blood flows". Not too bad
#3
I liked it in general but a few things seemed odd. Why did you choose china? i'm not really of the poetic disposition, but wouldn't something that's actually going to cut you be better?

Also, 'bloodflow' why not blood flows?
I liked what was going on with the cut and blood and magma and crack, i think, but that's all that came through for me. i'm not really up on poetry so I wouldn't be too bothered by my thoughts, heh.
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#4
Quote by Jammydude44
like shards of a broken china mug
Get rid of "a". It's not necessarily needed, and jamming another syllable into the title threw off the rhythm, even if it's fine without it.
slice and stab fingertips
This flows pretty well for being so different in flow from the first line.
lick with a dry togue to heal
Good image, but the rhythm here is somewhat f a challenge. You have two stressed words in a row (dry tongue). It worked in the line above, so I say pull "a" out. Then split it into two lines to give it that visual guidance, since "dry tongue" tends to run together.
the dull and dead onto the river of red
If this is connected with the previous line, then change "onto" to just plain "on". Alliteration was fantastic, as it enplyed a rhythm quite well.
like a crack in the crust of the earth
Again, alliteration was fantastic. It created a great rhythm.
in the middle of a childrens park
children lark
Switch these two lines, I think. That way, you get some words between that rhymes, so they're not as forced.
attempt the jump and fall four thousand feet to their deaths
I did not like this line. Throughout the piece, you've flirted with images of great quality. Here, you come out and declare exactly what happened, with a long, rambling line to boot. At the very least, split it up after "fall".
in the hot and furious magma
This didn't have that pepper that your other lines had, because it doesn't have that internal engine driving it, but it's still a good enough image to work with.
like the pointing of another finger
Drop "another". It's not needed, as another finger would be said to seperate it from a previous finger. Plus, it matches up with the next line better. Replace it with "a".
towards you in accusation
face flushed red
There has to be some more in here. It's too short, and it feels uncooperative because there aren't alot of supporting words to aid it.
and the tongue hangs loose and indecisive
Great image, and had a cofortable flow to it.
waiting to see how fast the bloodflow
Not a fan. It doesn't seem directed at anything. If it's referring to those in the magma, you wouldn't be able to see the blood, right? That doesn't have to matter, but that's what was on my mind.


Overall, this was an excellent piece. It had a great flow to it, a driving pace, even with a moving rhythm. Fantastico.
#5
like shards of a broken china mug I would get rid of "a" and "mug"
slice and stab fingertips I would try to make it more of a narrative here. It could be more powerful from the get go if it is more clear
lick with a dry tongue to heal
the dull and dead onto the river of red
like a crack in the crust of the earth
in the middle of a childrens park
children lark Don't like the spacing...it bugged me for whatever reason
attempt the jump and fall four thousand feet to their deaths
in the hot and furious magma
like the pointing of another finger
towards you in accusation
face flushed red
and the tongue hangs loose and indecisive
waiting to see how fast the bloodflow blood flows?

Good piece, I say.

http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=927950
#6
Quote by Potski
I really enjoyed the first half, up to children lark. After that it loses flow badly. First line could be just "Like shards of broken china" to shorten. Fourth line is excellent. A lot of similes flying around. Last two lines could be strong if bloodflow became "blood flows". Not too bad



agree