#1
Gone a bit folky on this one. Starts off poemy too. I was quite surprised how it turned out. All criticism welcome, seriously, I want to know where I suck. C4C, link me or I'll search for your newest work. Thanks everyone for looking!



A token bead of sweat
Trickles down a blade of grass
Once again forgotten
Falling out of grasp

The things we never see
The life we never learned
Twisting into focus
Edges slightly burned

Lost your way
way
And through the field
Up to me
again


The time has come
The trap is set
Will we forget
The people we've met

That field of blades
Who will never die
Speak with our hearts
Sing with our eyes

The time has come
That bead of sweat
Flowing like a river
Nothing is set

Grab your mother
Come over here
Up to me
again
#2
Quote by Potski

A token bead of sweat
Trickles down a blade of grass
Once again forgotten
Falling out of grasp

Great opening. Definitely grabs you and pulls you into the piece.

The things we never see
The life we never learned
Twisting into focus
Edges slightly burned

Good continuation. I love the last line.

Lost your way
way
And through the field
Up to me
again

Not bad, but the lone 'way' threw me off quite a bit. However, after rereading a bit, I like it.

The time has come
The trap is set
Will we forget
The people we've met

I like the flow of this part. Sounds good in my head.

That field of blades
Who will never die
Speak with our hearts
Sing with our eyes

The last two lines were brilliant, although perhaps a bit cliche (maybe, maybe not). I liked them, anyway.

The time has come
That bead of sweat
Flowing like a river
Nothing is set

Great way to return to the opening before finishing off the piece.

Grab your mother
Come over here
Up to me
again

To me, this is the best part. For some reason I absolutely loved it. Great ending.


Overall, I give it a 9/10. For some reason, this piece absolutely screamed Opeth to me. Especially the fourth stanza. Great work man.

It was the only task I would undertake...

I P R O G
...to reap the harvest that was mine


- [ P R O G - H E A D ? ] -
#3
I really enjoyed reading this, and even started humming a slight tune to it

I'm with MetalGS3SE, it does look very Opethy to me.

Another 9/10 for you. Heck, why not, i give it a 10/10. It's better than anything i can write myself.

Especially loved

"Speak with our hearts
Sing with our eyes"

For some reason, it gave me a brilliant image of two people staring at each other, with some sort of forbidden love between them, a Romeo and Juliet type story. No idea why.

Great work