#1
Hopefully you'll figure out the title by the end of the piece. C4C.

I knew you could see me
as I shouted my own epitaphs to the storm clouds.
I’m not dead yet,
but I always was impatient.

I could hardly wait until I grew out of that.

Lately all I do
Is recite poems to the wind,
I know you can’t see me,
But I can wait.

I can only hope Death can wait on me.


If someday I manage
to catch the corner of your eye,
I hope you can hear me
whisper to the air:

“The world is flat.”
#2
Quote by Skaliveson
Hopefully you'll figure out the title by the end of the piece. C4C.

I knew you could see me
This line shouldn't start the piece. It doesn't kick it off very much, and it doesn't get stronger after reading the following lines.
as I shouted my own epitaphs to the storm clouds.
This line doesn't have the natural flow to warrant its length. Chop it up.
I’m not dead yet,
but I always was impatient.
It surprised me how natural this rhyme felt. And its fairly clever, too.


I could hardly wait until I grew out of that.
This may not break any new boundaries, but it's solid enough to keep.

Lately all I do
Is recite poems to the wind,
I know you can’t see me,
But I can wait.
It was fine until this last line. Wait for what? It doesn't seem very pointed.

I can only hope Death can wait on me.
Solid, but not groundbreaking.

If someday I manage
to catch the corner of your eye,
I hope you can hear me
whisper to the air:
This stanza pitter-pattered around, and didn't really achieve much.

“The world is flat.”
This is a fairly good image.


Okay, here's my opinion. The piece itself wasn't great, because it was short, and there was hardly any meat on what bones there were. However, the concept was good, and you seemed to have a great sense of what direction you wanted to go. In fact, what I saw in that regard was the most mature I've seen from you. However, the execution felt lackluster, and not much was actually said. This actually felt more like an outline. Ditch the verses (except the first one), and slap some meat on them bones.
#3
I know what you mean with everything you said, I have had a horrible writer's block recently, and really had to force this one out (As I am sure you all can tell).

Not sure if you caught it (you didn't mention it at least) but I followed some pretty rigid structure in this piece.
Past -> present -> future
"You could see me" -> can't see me -> if I catch your eye
shout epitaph -> recite poem -> whisper
storm -> wind -> air
impatient -> waiting -> being sought out

It's essentially about life losing its luster.
#4
It doesn't necessarily feel forced mate, don't put yourself down, that encourages writer's block.

- "I’m not dead yet,
but I always was impatient." - This flowed rather clumsily, but I really like its straight-to-point and careless attitude.

I agree with the above post ^^, there does need more meet to chew on in this, but to be honest, I have a fondness for it as it is. It's very vague and you have the option to interpret it in any fashion you like. The point I derived from it was different from what you explained it as in your reply to Ninjamonkey, and that is very cool.

This, as a whole, is clumsy, clustered - even though its seperated - and ambiguous... I really like it!

Although correcting and nit-picking this would only encourage you to ruin the rough-around-the-edges feel to this, a little, I mean a little tweaking could be advantagous.
I am unsure what excatly should be altered to improve it as your walking on dangerous ground when making corrections to a piece so subtle and delicate. It teeters very unsteadily. Thats dramatic I know but its how I feel!

Hope I helped.

Digitally Clean
#5
Many thanks for your thorough (and timely!) response to "Love Is Blue". Most appreciated =].

Quote by Skaliveson
Hopefully you'll figure out the title by the end of the piece. C4C.
Clever.

I knew you could see me
as I shouted my own epitaphs to the storm clouds.
I must say that ninja's right. I'd start the piece off with the second line, adding in the first afterwards.
I’m not dead yet,
but I always was impatient.
I don't think this is awkward, and it certainly brought a smile. Good job on that.

I could hardly wait until I grew out of that.
This seems weak, though

Lately all I do
This line doesn't add anything. Cut the fat, so to speak
Is recite poems to the wind,
I know you can’t see me,
But I can wait.
This is the third iteration of I can't wait/I'm impatient. Surely you can think of a cleverer way to express that?

I can only hope Death can wait on me.


If someday I manage
again, trim the fat. Perhaps try to reword this, but stronger?
to catch the corner of your eye,
try to do something more creative with this image. Right now it's being said just like it's been said in a thousand other pieces--be more specific and imaginative. Are you catching his/her eye like you'd catch a fish, with a hook sunk into the socket? Or is it more like you're hailing a cab?
I hope you can hear me
whisper to the air:


“The world is flat.”
Strong ending line. It made the title worthwhile and rather nice.



All in all, not the strongest piece, but it certainly has potential. I'd love to see an edited version of it.
I owe a ton of people critiques.

If you're one of them, please PM me.

I have trouble keeping track.
#6
Quote by Skaliveson
Hopefully you'll figure out the title by the end of the piece. C4C.

I knew you could see me
as I shouted my own epitaphs to the storm clouds.
I’m not dead yet,
but I always was impatient.
This is quite good. I especially like the last two lines, they definitely stand out.

I could hardly wait until I grew out of that.
I'm not sure what it is about this line, but I do like it quite a bit.

Lately all I do
Is recite poems to the wind,
I know you can’t see me,
But I can wait.
I'm not finding a rhyme scheme though maybe there isn't supposed to be one. Either way I do like it.

I can only hope Death can wait on me.
Again this line on its own just stands out may just be because it is on its own but its still good.

If someday I manage
to catch the corner of your eye,
I hope you can hear me
whisper to the air:
Great stanza definitely gives it the closing feeling.
“The world is flat.”

The last line closes it great. Overall I quite enjoyed it as I do most of your work that I've read. If you don't mind to crit mine Link in sig
#8
Quote by Skaliveson
Hopefully you'll figure out the title by the end of the piece. C4C.

I knew you could see me
as I shouted my own epitaphs to the storm clouds.
I’m not dead yet,
but I always was impatient.

I'm having a hard time getting the last two lines to make sense. I'm sure it's just my young mind being hindered by the lack of intelligence, but as others have said, they stick out. I LOVE poems that make me think, and this just hits my peak of interest. It grabs me, and makes me wonder what is to come fourth in the next lines. Well done!

I could hardly wait until I grew out of that.

Simplicity is another thing I love in writing. This line helps with the flow and makes it easy to understand as well.

Lately all I do
Is recite poems to the wind,
I know you can’t see me,
But I can wait.

This stanza seems to be shoving two ideas into one and makes it jumbled up, in my eyes at least. Think about this one again, and maybe try to separate it and add more to each thought.

I can only hope Death can wait on me.

I've been a big fan of the whole "death not being only an end to something, but also as a person. You want to get something done before death himself will slay you, and, once again, you put it simply.


If someday I manage
to catch the corner of your eye,
I hope you can hear me
whisper to the air:

Same with last stanza, i get the impression you're mixing two ideas. But, now that i think about it, maybe it's what you want to be. Maybe the two topics are related in your life and in the meaning of this poem. If you're going for that, i applaud you, that is very unique. If not, separation.

“The world is flat.”

This threw me for a damn loop! Remember? I like poems that make me ponder over the meaning, and this was just icing on the cake. This line gives it a kick in the ass. If you're going to keep one line in this poem, it's this one.


Sorry for the late crit, bro. But I got it done
"We barely remember who or what came before this precious moment"

Tool, anyone?
Alter Bridge, maybe?
A bit of John Mayer?
Some beethoven sounds delightful, as well.
#9
Quote by Skaliveson


I knew you could see me
as I shouted my own epitaphs to the storm clouds.
I’m not dead yet,
but I always was impatient.

I could hardly wait until I grew out of that.
Yeah i gree here it is solid, and its good enough to keep.

Lately all I do
Is recite poems to the wind,
I know you can’t see me,
But I can wait.
"I know you can't see me, But i can wait." This sounds abit cliche to me... You can use somthing as, "I don't think can see me standing, but i will awhile." Yeah it sounds a bit simular, but thats what i think would sound better.

I can only hope Death can wait on me.
As i said with the other line, this sounds solid, i like it.

If someday I manage
to catch the corner of your eye,
I hope you can hear me
whisper to the air, and hear my voice.
Okay i just had to add that so it links to the first phrase as you did with the wind in the 2nd one. If you get what i mean, and thats a good message bellow, good job with that!.

“The world is flat.”



Over all i think you have done a great job, just follow some people and some of mine if you wish and you will get furthur of what you have at the moment! Good Job mate!

Kom23