#1
Hey, this is just a song my band came up with yesterday. It's still kinda ruff so I thought I'd put it up here for some criticism.
Crit4crit...

First 2 verses:

Laying here I watch the rain
As it hits the window pane
It reminds me of those times we had
Reminds me of the good and bad

And I still don't understand
Why things can't just go as planned
Or why things end, the way they do
I hate to say, but I'll miss you

Chorus:

I've had some time to think
Of all this stuff we do
And I realy fail to see
What I saw in you
And what goes up
Will surely fall
It just takes some time
You drive me up the wall

3rd Verse

Don't look at me, with those eyes
Dont speak my name, your full of lies
I miss who you pretend to be
I miss the girl I used too see


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Yeh, thats as far as we've gotten with it so far. With it just typed out it doesn't sound as reading as it does to the music, so I'm going to do a quick ruff recording of it later just to give you guys an idea of how it should sound.

crit4crit like I said before, please just leave a link if your lyrics aren't on the first page thanks
Quote by dcdossett65
Life is too short to worry about this crap.

Who.

Cares.
Last edited by HLrocker at Aug 6, 2008,
#2
not bad dude, and will probably sound better after getting it to music...but good job overall
#4
Well I understand what your saying about the song structure, it is very simple, but it sounds good to the music. And you say it's unimaginative, but at least people will be able to relate to it, thats what we try for in our songs becuase if someone can relate the lyrics to there own life, then odds are they'll like the song much more than if they can't relate to it. Thanks for the comment though. In future songs I'll try to keep the structure a bit more complex to keep it interesting.
Quote by dcdossett65
Life is too short to worry about this crap.

Who.

Cares.
#5
true you want a song to relate to your target audience, but you also need it to stand out otherwise your audience will forget it the moment it finishes, having it stand out could be anything, song structure, theme, solo's, vocals, the way you aproch the theme, even just something you do on stage, wat ever it is make sure you stand out from the crowd
#6
Quote by HLrocker
Hey, this is just a song my band came up with yesterday. It's still kinda ruff so I thought I'd put it up here for some criticism.
Crit4crit...

First 2 verses:

Laying here I watch the rain
As it hits the window pane
It reminds me of those times we had
Reminds me of the good and bad The flow here is fine but these are all very overused lines and rhymes. You quote Handlebars in your sig, think of how many awesome individual lines are in that song. But you still relate to it. Doesn't need to be simple for people to feel it.

And I still don't understand
Why things can't just go as planned
Or why things end, the way they do
I hate to say, but I'll miss you Simple but the organization of the words here masks that so I think this is ok

Chorus:

I've had some time to think
Of all this stuff we do generic still
And I realy fail to see
What I saw in you catchy two lines, good for chorus
And what goes up
Will surely fall
It just takes some time
You drive me up the wall Hate the last line in this spot, unless you're singing country, then its ok. In a song with no standout line, the last line of the chorus is likely to be emphasized, and unless you're doing an Axel Rose vocal trampoline, this isn't memorable

3rd Verse

Don't look at me, with those eyes
Dont speak my name, your full of lies 'you're' *sigh*
I miss who you pretend to be
I miss the girl I used too see


=======================
Yeh, thats as far as we've gotten with it so far. With it just typed out it doesn't sound as reading as it does to the music, so I'm going to do a quick ruff recording of it later just to give you guys an idea of how it should sound.

crit4crit like I said before, please just leave a link if your lyrics aren't on the first page thanks



I can see how this song would go very well with music. It has nice meter and flow and a very pop vocabulary. All pluses. But the biggest problem with the radio today is that every new song is equally acceptable and equally forgettable. It's all formulaic, so when a song like Handlebars hits it immediately throttles you by being different. This is probably enough for people to listen to your song, but in order for people to really appreciate a song relating to their life, it needs to be more nuanced and more sincere than this effort. gl