#1
The poem that inspired the song, not the other way around.

Anyway, my last piece got a better response than I expected, so I thought I'd put this up. It's rather a favorite of mine, but don't let that effect your opinion. If you want a crit in return, a link helps that happen ;]. And please, be as harsh as you feel is necessary.


Love Is Blue
and-I-fell-in-
.....with gasping breaths and crucifix arms thrown wide.
Sodden clothes as magnets
to a sea bed I'm just dying to sink in to.
Show me a sandcastle underwater
and I'll show you tides from the dark side of the moon.

Endorphins released in rising bubbles;
your bobbers for my fishhooked smile.
'Chocolate masquerades in Love and Charades',
said reproachfully, with a Ghirardelli square
floating up into your watery mouth.


Asphyxiation? More than a fling;
I'm drowning here, if only in dreams.
I owe a ton of people critiques.

If you're one of them, please PM me.

I have trouble keeping track.
#2
Quote by Fly, Marlowe
The poem that inspired the song, not the other way around.

Anyway, my last piece got a better response than I expected, so I thought I'd put this up. It's rather a favorite of mine, but don't let that effect your opinion. If you want a crit in return, a link helps that happen ;]. And please, be as harsh as you feel is necessary.


Love Is Blue
and-I-fell-in-
.....with gasping breaths and crucifix arms thrown wide.
great image.
Sodden clothes as magnets
to a sea bed I'm just dying to sink in to.
Brilliant wording.
Show me a sandcastle underwater
and I'll show you tides from the dark side of the moon.

Endorphins released in rising bubbles;
I rather like this line, but the rhythm is a bit diminished from the last stanza
your bobbers for my fishhooked smile.
not a fan of "bobbers" but I loved "fishhooked smile". Maybe make it "fish-hooked" for easier reading.
'Chocolate masquerades in Love and Charades',
What does this have to do with the water? masquerades//Charades is nice if you make it fit better.
said reproachfully, with a Ghirardelli square
floating up into your watery mouth.


Asphyxiation? More than a fling;
I'm drowning here, if only in dreams.
I like the ending.



This may very well be a personal favorite of your pieces for me as well. Not a lot you can do to it. Sorry I wasn't more help. Link in the sig to "Soda Pop" if you want to.
#3
This is quite lovely, I can see why you would be attracted to it. It has a really aesthetic sentement hidden behind the words. Its one of those poems/songs/stories that is like an equation; the more you look inside, the more the different aspects come alive.

- "bobbers" is an interesting word. :P

- "'Chocolate masquerades in Love and Charades',
said reproachfully, with a Ghirardelli square
floating up into your watery mouth." - This was quite elegant, really nice writing mate. I can see this being my favourite of the week.

I'm afraid I am missing some of the metaphors and points though so I'm going to return to it tomorrow. I hope I helped, even though I didn't tear it apart and moan and groan at it.
One thing I will say is how I noticed the slightly odd layout. The large line skip and disconnected flow to it was fairly prominant, but that could be it's charm. That is why I need to go away and come back.

Digitally Clean
#4
Thanks for your timely responses! Skaliveson, I just went over Soda Pop. It was a nice read, and a lovely title. =]
AngryGoldfish, is there any piece in particular you'd like a crit on? I'm sure I owe you more than one of these XD.
I owe a ton of people critiques.

If you're one of them, please PM me.

I have trouble keeping track.
#5
Aisles, Paracetamol Mums or Grey to Break the Black in my signature. Thank you for your offer mate, I appreciate it.
The latter two are old enough but they have had very little freedback and I need help with them. Aisles has had its fair share but its still recent so its up to you, depends on your conscience... can you live with the traumatic discision of bumping an old thread to help a chump out? The question, belongs to you my friend. :P