#1
the bubbly bar
do you remember the bubbly bar?
i never came here without you
today
i have a table for one

the airy outdoor patio
the smel of burning tobacco
the cold white concrete walls
the faint taste of strawbery
do you remember us, here?

i drew from the pipe
and exhaled slowly,
the smoke forming a screen--
it reminded me of the blind light exhibit
i could feel your presence
i exhaled quickly the next time
and you appeared
the smoke carving out your thin frame
your white blonde hair
your pale skin
your icy blue eyes

i hoped you would stay forever
that i could fade away with you,
as smoke always did,
into the oxford night

and i will have never left the bubbly bar
without you
Last edited by punchupatatigge at Aug 10, 2008,
#2
Quote by ozzyismetal
.........no



fuck off you stupid cunt.

edit: as a piece this didn't feel like the edges had been smoothed off enough. the stanzas seem a little limp to me, with nothing standing out




love is a dog from hell.



Last edited by we have sound at Aug 7, 2008,
#4
an apparition

This line seemed a little unneeded to me seeing as it's redundant.

as smoke always did,

IMO, 'as smoke always does' would make more sense and makes it more definitive. It did and still does if you know what I mean. IMO, it ties the last part to the present where the piece starts.

and i will have never left the bubbly bar
without you

I loved this part, it made the piece for me. Very nice ending. Predictable, but perfect.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#5
Quote by ozzyismetal
ooooh, harsh comeback


you know how to say swear words, does that make you feel like a big boy?


stop. your first comment was worthless and irrelevant. as was this one. if you're not going to post something constructive, don't post. or keep expecting reaction's like we have sound's.


as for the piece, i'm not sure how i feel about it. the first stanza didn't draw me in very well. the second one is pretty bland, as far as descriptions go. the rest drew me in more, was more interesting, but i think i started off too far on the wrong foot to ever make it over to the right one.

i do quite like the idea behind the piece, though. or what i percieved as the idea.
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?