#1
inspired by the two Texas girls and the animal who was executed 8/6/08
this is what i would've done had i been there


I see the future criminals before me
on that Texas night I sent them
beyond the river Styx to pain forever
I wear a helm of darkness to hide the identity gem

they rape the weak to be the strong
I'll be the death they can count on
I smash their bones, silence their mouths
This is a place they'll never come out of

chorus
gang-banging sons whose evil I quell
As I crush them I show them hell
I prevent the shedding of innocent blood
I am the Guardian, so die, bud

evil trance I see in their eyes
as i beat them one last time
show their souls to God above
show him just what I have done
as the Guardian I put them through death
i smell the substance on their breath
I tell Him I finished the task
I hope I never have to go back

they rape the weak to be the strong
I'll be the death they can count on
I smash their bones, silence their mouths
This is a place they'll never come out of

chorus
gang-banging sons whose evil I quell
As I crush them I show them hell
I prevent the shedding of innocent blood
I am the Guardian, so die, bud

bridge
i impale the damned souls
on their own halberd poles
i show them life they could've had
if they'd been good instead of bad
They survived for fifteen years
after the crime in their teen fears
One injected to his doom
I'll be the one to destroy his tomb

(GUITAR SOLO)

chorus
gang-banging sons whose evil I quell
As I crush them I show them hell
I prevent the shedding of innocent blood
I am the Guardian, you hit the ground with a thud
i shot and beat them all to death
They were high on mental meth
i taste revenge and it is sweet
the other brothers taste defeat

the girls thank me for my deeds
and ask why i have to leave
"to serve the Lord," i reply,
"and watch these evil serpents cry"
Bobtoast2

Buttery Goodness is all right here
#2
Quote by bobtoast2

I see the future criminals before me
on that Texas night I sent them
beyond the river Styx to pain forever
I wear a helm of darkness to hide the identity gem

Hm, quite like the rhyming and language here, except perhaps the the pain forever part, although I'll probably say a lot like that, because violence etc. is not normally my thing.

they rape the weak to be the strong
I really like this for some reason, although the "rape" isn't so much to my liking for the aforementioned reason.
I'll be the death they can count on
I smash their bones, silence their mouths
This is a place they'll never come out of

I like it, even if it is fairly dark. To me, the "of" at the end doesn't make a lot sense rhyming-wise, but I assume it doesn't attempt to.

chorus
gang-banging sons whose evil I quell
As I crush them I show them hell
I prevent the shedding of innocent blood
I am the Guardian, so die, bud

I quite like this, but have a couple of things. I won't mention the gang-banging etc., because I'll end up being subjective about it. Ok, so "quell". It is a good word, and it fits well, but due to the context and other language in the song, it might seem as though it was the only word you could find that fits and rhymes with "hell". Now, this might not be the case, but it can still take away from the instant impression of the song. The last line is quite clever, but the "bud" could be over-informal.

evil trance I see in their eyes
"The evil trance" or "An evil trance" or something might work better, but I don't know.
as i beat them one last time
show their souls to God above
Good, although maybe a little cliché.
show him just what I have done
as the Guardian I put them through death
i smell the substance on their breath
A little weak, perhaps. Just that line though.
I tell Him I finished the task
I hope I never have to go back

Fairly strong ending, although it might be a bit bare. I'm also not entirely sure what the last line means, I think it means that you hope that the terrible things they have done won't happen again or something, in which case I like this a lot.

they rape the weak to be the strong
I'll be the death they can count on
I smash their bones, silence their mouths
This is a place they'll never come out of

chorus
gang-banging sons whose evil I quell
As I crush them I show them hell
I prevent the shedding of innocent blood
I am the Guardian, so die, bud

bridge
i impale the damned souls
on their own halberd poles
I like this.
i show them life they could've had
if they'd been good instead of bad
A little weak. It also makes me think of kids and Santa lol.
They survived for fifteen years
after the crime in their teen fears
A bit rough, but I like the "specific-ness" (if there is such a word) because this is about a very specific topic. Normally, being specific doesn't work or else the writing sounds mixed up, in that some of the song is hazy and ambiguous and some is very specific, and the whole topic sounds like bull because specific things are being written about a more broad subject. You have not done that, which is very good. I like how you use this technique through the piece.
One injected to his doom
I'll be the one to destroy his tomb

Now, the aabbccdd rhyming scheme could be looked at as overused, but I say it works here, specifically in the bridge. For some reason I hear it in my head with a chugging riff behind it, and it seems to work.

(GUITAR SOLO)

chorus
gang-banging sons whose evil I quell
As I crush them I show them hell
I prevent the shedding of innocent blood
I am the Guardian, you hit the ground with a thud
i shot and beat them all to death
They were high on mental meth
i taste revenge and it is sweet
the other brothers taste defeat

I like this a lot. I really like the addition of the extra part.

the girls thank me for my deeds
and ask why i have to leave
"to serve the Lord," i reply,
"and watch these evil serpents cry"

The ending is quite good, and in keeping with the piece but a couple of the expressions are quite weak. "cry" in the last line doesn't really work for me though.


Ok, so overall I've got to say I thought it was quite good. I have to explain, though, that I really do not write nor enjoying reading about violence and the like, so the fact that I liked it shows that it must have some sort of quality to it lmao. A couple of bits need some more originality to strengthen them, but the piece fits together quite well as a whole.

Oh yeah, forgot to mention. One thing I didn't like was the whole God undertone to it, which I'm never a fan of.

Well done.
Last edited by greenelephants at Aug 7, 2008,
#3
i never thought of it that way. I'm a Christian, so i thought putting God in there might generate some problems. But dangit, i guess i got some editing to do. so i'll do that
Bobtoast2

Buttery Goodness is all right here
#4
no, don't pay any attention to that post, please.
i'm a sarcastic piece of shit that needs to be disregarded.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#5
the first one was just a draft
now with some editing it sounds better
thx greenelephants
this could be put to the same rhythm as Master of Puppets by Metallica or The Trooper by Iron Maiden


I see the future criminals before me
on that Texas night I sent them
beyond the river Styx to pain forever
I wear a helm of darkness to hide the identity gem

they rape the weak to be the strong
I'll be the death they can count on
I smash their bones, silence their mouths
This is a place they'll never come out of

chorus
gang-banging sons whose evil I quell
As I crush them I show them hell
I prevent the shedding of innocent blood
I am the Guardian, so die, bud

i realize it was wrong to do
being hateful and violent, too
they were putrid, out of their minds
they crossed the line, deserving to die
the world of liberalism and hate
didn't want them to go to waste
Bader-Ginsburg kept them alive
Why did only one of them die?

they rape the weak to be the strong
I'll be the death they can count on
I smash their bones, silence their mouths
This is a place where they'll ever go down

chorus
gang-banging sons whose evil I quell
As I crush them I show them hell
I prevent the shedding of innocent blood
I am the Guardian, so die, bud

bridge
i impale the damned souls
on their own halberd poles
i show them life they could've had
if they'd seen they were doomed lads
They survived for fifteen years
after the crime in their teen fears
One injected to his doom
I'll be the one to destroy his tomb

(GUITAR SOLO)

chorus
gang-banging sons whose evil I quell
As I crush them I show them hell
I prevent the shedding of innocent blood
I am the Guardian, you hit the ground with a thud
i shot and beat them all to death
They were high on mental meth
i taste revenge and it is sweet
the other brothers taste defeat

the girls thank me for my deeds
and ask why i have to leave
"to serve the weak," i reply,
"and watch these evil serpents cry"

only hatred fuels this song
sorry it took so long
fifteen years to be exact
everyone can say I've got their back

chorus
gang-banging sons whose evil I quell
As I crush them I show them hell
I prevent the shedding of innocent blood
I am the Guardian, so die, bud
Bobtoast2

Buttery Goodness is all right here
Last edited by bobtoast2 at Aug 8, 2008,