#1
sinstitch jackleg.

two names carved in tree bark
been howling in the rain
find a wishing well, and throw your heart in -
sane. insane. insane.
livin' on the creek bank
ain't caught a fish in years
i just swing my David slingshot 'round
and
down will go the giants, down
new frowns and tears on
old smiles and fears.
i wander my domain.

knapsack bitches keep your stitches
quilts of love on dimple hinges
wearing all my Father's anger
on itchy clingy sticky fingers.
shirtsleeve linger
i miss my ginger, ale September
in a hot November mug
remember me?
we were the briars of countryside bonfires on New Year's.

sometimes that's all you're good for.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
Last edited by ottoavist at Aug 9, 2008,
#2
sinstitch jackleg.

two names carved in tree bark
been howling in the rain
i like the flash of these ideas.
not even complete sentences.
just toss them up and let the reader fill in the rest.

find a wishing well, and throw your heart in -
sane. insane. insane.
i can't help thinking there was a clever play on words overlooked here.
livin' on the creek bank
ain't caught a fish in years
i just swing my David slingshot 'round
my David slingshot
was too complete.
it loses a bit of power
when we're told to make the connection.

and
down will go the giants, down
new frowns and tears on
old smiles and fears.
i wander my domain.

napsack bitches keep your stitches
liked the rhyme, but i get the feeling i missed something important
by not understanding the meaning.

quilts of love on dimple hindges hindges? wuzzat?
wearing all my Father's anger
on itchy clingy sticky fingers.
shirtsleeve linger
i miss my ginger, ale September
the art of the strategically place comma.
in a hot November mug
remember me?
we were the briars of countryside bonfires on New Year's.

sometimes that's all you're good for.

good sonics throughout. quirky rhythms.
i enjoy reading you even when i don't totally get it.
Meadows
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#4
You and Matt have the greatest sense of flow on this site, by far. Your use of line breaks and punctuation in the right places, along with varied word lengths, beautiful syllable count. It's all wonderful. I'm going to read this over and over, I think it will become one of my favorite poems I've seen on here. Well done Kent - that's all I gotta say really.
Last edited by samoo at Aug 7, 2008,
#5
After reading the title I knew this was going to be something special (and because you wrote it). I was completely correct. Pure excellence.

I did see it before you made the first edit - it took me a while to chew it over. I liked it more with the space after sane/insane. It's a very strong part and can handle the dramatization.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#6
i really appreciate you guys getting to this.
thanks for the kind words.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#7
Quote by ottoavist
sinstitch jackleg.

two names carved in tree bark
been howling in the rain
find a wishing well, and throw your heart in -
sane. insane. insane. great opening
livin' on the creek bank
ain't caught a fish in years
i just swing my David slingshot 'round agree you can take David out as the giant reference makes that link
and
down will go the giants, down
new frowns and tears on
old smiles and fears.
i wander my domain.

napsack bitches keep your stitches
quilts of love on dimple hindges 'knapsack' and 'hinges' I guess? Try as I might, I can't figure out dimple hinges in any meaningful context
wearing all my Father's anger
on itchy clingy sticky fingers. A great couplet, only seems a bit out of place because the rest of it is so scattered and free, and now we're bringing a kind of real-world cause-and-effect seriousness into it by adding father
shirtsleeve linger
i miss my ginger, ale September personally I'm always sketch about words that are spelled the same but don't rhyme in a place where you would expect a rhyme. Its cool it just makes the reader hesitate a second, slightly breaking the spell of your piece
in a hot November mug
remember me?
we were the briars of countryside bonfires on New Year's.

sometimes that's all you're good for.


Reallly cool piece, a lot of sweet lines and imagery and generally good flow.
#8
After many many reads, I have decided I only like your second verse. Your first one just feels funny to me (cannot explain it properly). When I first read it I faced a similar feeling but I hoped that if I returned to it on a cleaner mental faculty, I would be rewarded... I wasn't.
Its certainly good, I just didn't vibe it like I would normally do.
Sorry mate.
#9
hey goldfish, i'm just glad that you actually read my stuff man; let alone like it, lol.
i really appreciate it though.
you too, ATM; thanks.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#10
i really like how you make the reader fill in the blanks, and the flow is great. the only part i dont get is

i miss my ginger, ale September
in a hot November mug

that confused me, but other than that its great.
Just call me Bobby
Member of the official GB&C "Who to Listen to" list
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#11
sinstitch jackleg.
Brilliant title. I won't question why and I really don't know why. I just enjoy abstract titles like this. I love the abstraction throughout this piece - I don't care if you don't consider it abstract, screw you Kent, this is my piece! - and it really adds something to your style. Which was already quite good. But this piece put you in the big time, in my head.

two names carved in tree bark
been howling in the rain
find a wishing well, and throw your heart in -
sane. insane. insane.
Sorry, I think this post is gonna be you figuratively sucking your balls. (I'd be pretty clever if I could literally suck your balls from the other side of the planet). But these four lines are gold, gold gold gold. Don't change anything: everything is perfect to me.
livin' on the creek bank
Don't care about 'the creek bank' - whatever the hell a creek bank is. Forget the detail here: you're obviously going for a certain level of surrealism and I don't think this fits. Try removing this line and seeing how you like it going straight onto the 'ain't caught a fish' because I think that transition would be lovely.
ain't caught a fish in years
i just swing my David slingshot 'round
and
down will go the giants, down
new frowns and tears on
old smiles and fears.
i wander my domain.
Beautiful. Who the **** cares exactly what things mean. When things are beautiful like this, they're exactly that. Really really wonderful.

knapsack bitches keep your stitches
Could have been a line from Niandra LaDes. Check that album out if you haven't already. Lovely imagery and just lovely words here Kent. You know how to use rhyme - I wish I did sometimes. Haha, I do.
quilts of love on dimple hinges
wearing all my Father's anger
Adds another certain dimension - just one mention of a family member. Nicely done whether you intended it or not.
on itchy clingy sticky fingers.
shirtsleeve linger
i miss my ginger, ale September
in a hot November mug
remember me?
we were the briars of countryside bonfires on New Year's.

sometimes that's all you're good for.
this final line is ugly. Really ugly. But that's the great thing about this piece - even all the ugliness is beautiful. It really adds something different, more feel andn more emotion. I don't mind if you just wrote this while you were high and it had no personal meaning whatsoever. It's great, to me. Great.

So there's probably only thing I'd change in this entire piece. Keep writing, bitch, otherwise I might not come on these forums nearly so much (that's a lie really, I wanted to install some fear in you).

I've posted something new. See what you think please, should be on the front page.
#12
Quote by ottoavist
sinstitch jackleg.

two names carved in tree bark
been howling in the rain
find a wishing well, and throw your heart in -
sane. insane. insane.
Not sure how I feel about the sane line.. I really love the first three, though.
livin' on the creek bank
ain't caught a fish in years
i just swing my David slingshot 'round
I'd remove the "i" that begins this sentence.. I think it'd fit the context better.
and
down will go the giants, down
new frowns and tears on
old smiles and fears.
i wander my domain.

knapsack bitches keep your stitches
Where did this come from? This is a bit too jarring a change for my tastes.
quilts of love on dimple hinges
wearing all my Father's anger
on itchy clingy sticky fingers.
I really love this line. Read it multiple times and can't get over it. xD
shirtsleeve linger
i miss my ginger, ale September
in a hot November mug
remember me?
we were the briars of countryside bonfires on New Year's.
You lost me with this line.. in thought and in flow. Really disliked this.

sometimes that's all you're good for.
I don't like how this switches from the "we" in the last line to you." It felt awkward.


Hmm this is one of my least favorites from you. I really liked the first stanza, but you totally lost me with the second. I can see that you're trying different stuff, but this one was a miss for me. Dunno.

In other news, Peter Pan was excellent.. but I think it's too late to comment on that one. Just thought you should know that I read and loved it. =D

Keep it up, I like seeing different stuff from you.
#13
First off, I really really like this. Really. I just wanted to make that clear before I started.

Now, beneath all your clever sonics and wordplay, this seems to be a series of related but slightly removed images. That is, they're all thematically alike, but they're not actually connected. I would love it if you tried to make those connections, and I think your pieces could be stronger for it.

What I'm trying to say is: the strings are all here, you just need to lace them up.
I owe a ton of people critiques.

If you're one of them, please PM me.

I have trouble keeping track.
#14
Quote by ottoavist
sinstitch jackleg.

two names carved in tree bark
been howling in the rain
find a wishing well, and throw your heart in -
sane. insane. insane.i love this
livin' on the creek bank
ain't caught a fish in years
i just swing my David slingshot 'round
and you have beautiful flow and rhythm here, you always do, but the and on its own line here kind of messed it up for me. it caused too much of a pause, or put too much emphasis on a less than significant word, or something like that.
down will go the giants, down
new frowns and tears on
old smiles and fears.
i wander my domain.

knapsack bitches keep your stitches
quilts of love on dimple hinges
wearing all my Father's anger
on itchy clingy sticky fingers.
shirtsleeve lingeri'm not sure how this line relates to the next or the previous. i would probably add in some punctuation to the end to separate the ideas more concretely. unless you were going for a less than solid separation. in which case, well done.
i miss my ginger, ale September
in a hot November mug
remember me?
we were the briars of countryside bonfires on New Year's.

sometimes that's all you're good for.the ending made me incredibly sad, for reasons nobody really cares to know. and this is completely only me, so i probably shouldnt even say it, but it changed the tone of the piece because of the way i interpreted it. i'm pretty sure nobody else would read it the way i did, though, so this is irrelevant. my bad.


so i was gonna say i didn't really get anything out of this, but i think that's my fault. its pretty and its rough at the same time, and i like that. your phonetics are gorgeous, as usual. you're pretty ridiculous in your consistency. (that's a good thing, by the way)

if you have a minute have a look at my latest?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=15716793#post15716793
if you don't get to it, its really not a big deal.
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?
#15
flow is beautiful. and it's just abstract enough to be fresh without sacrificing the potential of interpretation. i could eat it all up like a buffet dinner and then keep coming back with my plate until someone slapped my hand away. congratulations fireman.