#1
It's been a month and two days,
since I've seen a fucking paycheck,
that means its been ten minutes dated back,
From the time I smoked my last cigarette.

the TV has been staring at me for days,
it reminds me of the childhood I wasted,
Kenan & Kel and King of the Hill,
A shame I can remember my favorite shows,
but not my imaginary friend's name,
I wish he was here now,
I think I liked him alot,
Fuck it, I'll just name him God.

I'm gonna take him out and get him drunk,
real drunk like me,
Then I'll steal all his ideas,
put them on paper,
and post them on the internet.
Thats how we do it now.
Last edited by bluesybilly at Aug 7, 2008,
#2
*starts recollecting*
i think it's funny just how relatable this is.
you can't determine just how good or bad the truth can be.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#3
Damn, this is cool.
I'm surprised how effortless and real it sounds.
I agree with ottoavist, its hard to determine whether those memories are worth remembering. Whether they're times that should be forgotten due to their pathetic and simple nature, or maybe we should remember them, because of that obvious fact. Sometimes we need those simple thoughts to help us negotiate ourselves around the more complicated and absurb ones.
Truly brilliant. My favorite of the week, now.
#4
It's been one month and two days,
one sounds too formal.
a softens this nicely.

since I've seen a fucking paycheck,
that means its been ten minutes dated back,
From the time I smoked my last cigarette.

the TV has been staring at me for days,
it reminds me of the childhood I wasted,
Kenan & Kel and King of the Hill,
A shame I can remember my favorite shows,
but not my imaginary friends name, *friend's (possessive)
this is where the magic really begins...
I wish he was here now,
I think I liked him alot,
Fuck it, I'll just name him God.

I'm gonna take him out and get him drunk,
real drunk like me,
Then I'll steal all his ideas,
put them on paper,
and post them on the internet.
... and comes to fruition here.
Thats how we do it now.
gorgeous tagline.

not much to say about this one.
it kicks hard.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#5
Quote by bluesybilly
It's been one month and two days,
since I've seen a fucking paycheck,
that means its been ten minutes dated back,
From the time I smoked my last cigarette.

the TV has been staring at me for days,
it reminds me of the childhood I wasted,
Kenan & Kel and King of the Hill,
A shame I can remember my favorite shows,
but not my imaginary friends name,
I wish he was here now,
I think I liked him alot,
Fuck it, I'll just name him God.

I'm gonna take him out and get him drunk,
real drunk like me,
Then I'll steal all his ideas,
put them on paper,
and post them on the internet.
Thats how we do it now.



The changes have already been touched on basically.
The piece punches you in the teeth until the very end. The last stanza sounds like it could be a Queens of the Stone Age song. The syllable count is amazing through this song. I wish there was something to change but sometimes you just nail it.
#7
awesome. simple yet effective.

i love the cynical apathy and general nihilistic feel of it all.
made me think of bukowkski in places, which is a good thing (sometimes)...and in this case it was.
#8
Honestly, I didn't like it.
I thought the swearing was stupid, unecessary, and misplaced. Using it in the first 2 lines feels too angsty, and then repeating it just drags the merit of what you're saying, for me, down.
I don't know why you put a comma after every line - in the first stanza especially.

Quote by sleep sickness
awesome. simple yet effective.

Call it difference of opinion, but as opposed to 'simple and effective', I found the language meandering and boring. I realise that you're just going straight to the point with this piece, but it's done in a way (at least IMO) that steals all poeticism (real word? :S) from it, and makes this feel like a rant, and nothing deeper.

I'm not gonna go on just for the sake of it, I just figured opposing opinions would benefit you, or something.
Although, if too many more people like this my opinion is gonna be void.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#9
Quote by Snowblind 911



Call it difference of opinion, but as opposed to 'simple and effective', I found the language meandering and boring. I realise that you're just going straight to the point with this piece, but it's done in a way (at least IMO) that steals all poeticism (real word? :S) from it, and makes this feel like a rant, and nothing deeper.

I'm not gonna go on just for the sake of it, I just figured opposing opinions would benefit you, or something.
Although, if too many more people like this my opinion is gonna be void.


Oh no by all means, you are entitled to it. I don't think I read this piece with the impression that it had aspirations of anything being much deeper. I saw it more as creating a depressingly bleak voice/character that is "ranting" as you say. So, I do see what you mean, but I enjoyed the piece nonetheless.

Translation: yeah, your opinion is void. please leave
#10
Quote by sleep sickness
Translation: yeah, your opinion is void. please leave


Lol, bastard.
-leaves-
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.