#1
Just in Time for Summer

This is my first piece...


Skipping rocks on a summer’s day
Throw a stone into the haze.
Every bounce I wince
Prince charming was a misprint

Just in time for summer
The thought has occurred,
You and I aren’t what we once were

Now do you laugh when I walk bye?
Any words spoken met with a sigh.
My sadness relative to my status
Your love relative to my… status

Just in time for summer
The water boils over
And now I defer
The blame for my failure

I accept your thanks
For being there in your dark time
I didn’t know I had to change
When you went back to being the same

Just in time for summer
I’ve never been colder
Still searching for missing closure

Do not deny
That you passed me by
Just in time for summer
Your sincerity, I belie
#2
Quote by priestinacloset
Just in Time for Summer

This is my first piece...


Skipping rocks on a summer’s day
Throw a stone into the haze.
Every bounce I wince
Prince charming was a misprint

Interesting opener. One thing I'd say though, is that the first two lines seem a bit too similar and end up repeating each other rather than re-inforcing each other. The wording of the third line also seems a bit too unnatural and forced to fit the rhyme. And the last line comes too abruptly. The Prince Charming seems to come out of nowhere without any previous introduction, and the word "misprint" feels out of place since there was no reference to the idea previously.

Just in time for summer
The thought has occurred,
You and I aren’t what we once were

The sentence "the thought has occurred" sounds too contrived to fit with the last line - which is potentially cliché, but I don't think it's much of a problem.

Now do you laugh when I walk bye?
Any words spoken met with a sigh.
My sadness relative to my status
Your love relative to my… status

Did you mean by rather than bye? Nothing particularly wrong here, if a little uninteresting. Care to explain the use of ellipsis? I don't get the sense it's all that purposeful.

Just in time for summer
The water boils over
And now I defer
The blame for my failure
I like the repeated line "just in time for summer" as a recurring idea/motif. interesting. Again, nothing majorly wrong here, except you don't seem to develop your ideas so much. The line "the water boils over" is quickly discarded, and doesn't seem to go anywhere. I know you wrote about "skipping stones" on water etc early but the link feels a bit too tenuous and bare at the moment. The last two lines are slightly vague, and as we're now four stanzas in, I think you need more detail or concrete ideas to maintain interest. Right now, it feels too general and broad.

I accept your thanks
For being there in your dark time
I didn’t know I had to change
When you went back to being the same

Nice attempt there, the opposing rhymes of change and same could be quite good, but unfortunately it is quite common. The stanza here feels too disconnected, there is not much cohesion between the first two lines and the latter two.

Just in time for summer
I’ve never been colder
Still searching for missing closure

the second line feels slightly weak. With the last line, I like the fact that you mention "searching for...closure" as it comes right before the last stanza. If it was intentional, well done there. But the problem again is there is little unity between this and other stanzas/lines

Do not deny
That you passed me by
Just in time for summer
Your sincerity, I belie
Although this end brings about slightly more clarity for the situation, the ending line in particular is not a powerful closer. The phrasing is dissmilar from everything that went before and as a result doesn't really fit in with the voice created throughout.


Overall, not a terrible piece, but there are some flaws. Your separation of stanzas seems unnecessary in places, especially as many of the stanzas aren't strong enough to stand on their own. I think you need to develop your ideas more, and think about the words you use and the effect they have. You use words like "misprint" but the rest of the poem's vocabulary bears no resemblance to it. Same goes for "dark time", "deferring failure" etc. I hope this doesn't seem too harsh, I am only trying to offer constuructive criticism. Keep trying