#1
called

You Decide

Verse:
It was all said by me,
i'm sorry but you just dont understand
"your such an ass", i know i just dont know how else to be
Why can't it all just go away
another big problem to complete my life
"Your an idiot bitch," yes i know i already feel like shit

Chorus:
and i know it sounds cliche,
but listen here i know i was wrong
and i cant help but say
lets just fight it all away
but that would never work
no it would never make sense

Verse:
Why can't i just change all this shit
I know it hurts to talk to me
"Fuck you" i know that i will never be missed
But you need to know
that i really meant all i said
"Fuck it and forget" all my kind words i know im a bitch

Chorus:
And i know it sounds cliche
but listen here as i speak out loud
although you wont care
we could still find that place
but that would just fall apart


Bridge:
it would never work out
And it broke my heart
Well it all seems fine,
and i guess i love you as well

Verse:
You decide
and tell me if your mad at me later
it all makes sense, you now understand what i mean
and it all sounds so great

Crit4crit
Call me Sean
Quote by Nilpferdkoenig
He's just trying to protect our innocence.


Yes i am
Quote by :Vicious--

Your flirting powers are incredible.



Gear:
Schecter S1 Elite Black Cherry (Soapbar Neck, Invader Bridge)
Schecter Banshee
Orange Dual Terror
Boss CE-5
Goatkeeper
Last edited by Guitarplaya27 at Aug 7, 2008,
#2
It all feels very clumsy, but at the same time, theres no sensation of desperation and chaos, or even controlled ramblings. Its stuck in the middle of being angry, forgetful, sorry, persuasive, disappointed and many other emotions. Try and focus it more.

- "It was all said by me,
I'm sorry but you just don't understand
"your such an ass", i know i just don't know how else to be
Why can't it all just go away
another big problem to complete my life
"Your an idiot bitch," yes i know i already feel like **** - This is the only verse I really need to read as it is enough for me to understand that this is not going to be the most articulate of reads: it really is just all over the place; I am quite at a loss as to what is going on and who I should be cheering for; what you are like as a person; what your friend is like, its bereft of anything sturdy to grab on to. Its all just hectic ramblings.

Most of your lines are cliched and there is therefore no point nitpicking it. Your vulgar language is not necessary, it doesn't add a sense of anger and frustration as you wanted it to do, it just makes this seem childish.

Your rhyming in the chorus was just planted in there and feels totally out of place.
The way you have added quotation marks, I understand what you are trying to do - I think - but its just too... off putting. You didn't just use the far simpler and far more effective way of writing that is, less-is-more. Make the reader do the work, while all you do is explain what it is he/she has said to you - or you have said to them (thats the problem, who is talking to who) - and then let the words do the work.

Theres no hidden message behind the terms you have used, its all just blank equations.

Don't give up mate, you have some neat ideas that could be worked on.

Digitally Clean
#3
the whole idea came from a fight
and the quotes were actually said to me,
so i used them against me

and yea i understand, its all messed up
Call me Sean
Quote by Nilpferdkoenig
He's just trying to protect our innocence.


Yes i am
Quote by :Vicious--

Your flirting powers are incredible.



Gear:
Schecter S1 Elite Black Cherry (Soapbar Neck, Invader Bridge)
Schecter Banshee
Orange Dual Terror
Boss CE-5
Goatkeeper
#4
Quote by Guitarplaya27
called

You Decide


I'm gonna generally agree with Goldfish but try to provide additional suggestions

Verse:
It was all said by me, just don't like this as an opening line. It's awkward, something simpler like, "I said it all" may be better to open. Also, if these are quotes used against you, why is your opening line about things YOU said?
i'm sorry but you just dont understand
"your such an ass", i know i just dont know how else to be
Why can't it all just go away
another big problem to complete my life this is a decent line
"Your an idiot bitch," yes i know i already feel like shit def agree with Goldfish that cursing should be used like lightning bolts, sparingly and for impact. They're a device like anything else but here they seem haphazard

Chorus:
and i know it sounds cliche,
but listen here i know i was wrong in the right song and cadence this line would really work...unfortunately that's not the kind of song you're after, so it doesn't.
and i cant help but say
lets just fight it all away
but that would never work
no it would never make sense whole chorus is a little cliche and flow seems a little off

Verse:
Why can't i just change all this shit
I know it hurts to talk to me
"Fuck you" i know that i will never be missed
But you need to know
that i really meant all i said
"Fuck it and forget" all my kind words i know im a bitch Once again, use 'em like lightning.

Chorus:
And i know it sounds cliche
but listen here as i speak out loud
although you wont care
we could still find that place
but that would just fall apart


Bridge:
it would never work out
And it broke my heart
Well it all seems fine,
and i guess i love you as well very scattered and I THINK I know what you mean with this, and it's almost good, but I'm just bewildered as is

Verse:
You decide
and tell me if your mad at me later
it all makes sense, you now understand what i mean
and it all sounds so great you must have some humdinger of a melody already prepared to make this verse work in a song, as every line is completely different in measure

Crit4crit



I like your general idea for the song, and there are a few decent lines and phrasings. But overall haphazard and too many lines that are awkward or cliche. As for an example of using curses effectively, on the radio today I happened to hear Fort Minor's "Where'd You Go." A more sentimental song with the f-word in the chorus, except it works perfectly because it shows how someone who should be happy is beginning to resent their less than ideal situation. Keep up the effort.