#1
They Operated on my Tear Ducts

Your eyes are bloodshot
like golf balls bleeding;
kittens playing
gives claws meaning.
I know this feeling,
everything shy and sot.

Whats the matter?
Don't you know,
I cry too?

Your arms are slightly drooped
as if you were a rag toy;
children's pattering
makes clothes coy.
Mum's trying to be flattering,
she is so cooped.

Whats the matter?
Don't you know,
I cry too?

You swell up and smile
like a girl simply sad.
I could stay here for a while,
but that would be a cliché.




This was my first major attempt at distant rhymes. I know they are nothing special but its a new technique to me so be as critical and helpful as you can. Thank you.


Digitally Clean
#2
They Operated on my Tear Ducts

Your eyes are bloodshot
this starts out too complete.
i think it would be more powerful
if just a fragment.
Bloodshot eyes

like golf balls bleeding;
kittens playing
gives claws meaning.
i think this needs to be plural. give
I know this feeling,
everything shy and sot.

Whats the matter?
Don't you know,
I cry too?

Your arms are slightly drooped
as if you were a rag toy;
this feels too stiff.
you elaborate on the state of the arms
then apply the rag-doll simile.
it might be better if you incorporate the rag-doll
as a metaphor to begin with.

children's pattering
makes clothes coy.
i don't understand the coyness of clothes.
Mum's trying to be flattering,
she is so cooped.
i don't understand cooped either.

Whats the matter?
Don't you know,
I cry too?

You swell up and smile
like a girl simply sad.
I could stay here for a while,
but that would be a cliché.



kinda pleasantly weird and trippy, but it didn't hit hard.
Meadows
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#3
Quote by AngryGoldfish
They Operated on my Tear Ducts

Your eyes are bloodshot
like golf balls bleeding;
Not a huge fan of this image. It was a good shot at being original, but ultimately was not satisfactory for me.
kittens playing
gives claws meaning.
This is a neat little couplet
I know this feeling,
everything shy and sot.

Whats the matter?
Don't you know,
I cry too?

Your arms are slightly drooped
as if you were a rag toy;
The rhythm here isn't the greatest.
children's pattering
makes clothes coy.
Mum's trying to be flattering,
she is so cooped.
Not bad.

Whats the matter?
Don't you know,
I cry too?
I like the repetition of this. Is this a song?

You swell up and smile
like a girl simply sad.
I like the alliteration, but 'simply' is really useless and unnecessary here.
I could stay here for a while,
but that would be a cliché.
Good line, but not a strong ending.




This was my first major attempt at distant rhymes. I know they are nothing special but its a new technique to me so be as critical and helpful as you can. Thank you.


Digitally Clean


This wasn't my favorite piece of yours. It seemed just a bit weaker all around than your other works. I hope this helps.
#4
Quote by AngryGoldfish
They Operated on my Tear Ducts

Your eyes are bloodshot
like golf balls bleeding;
kittens playing
gives claws meaning.
I know this feeling,
everything shy and sot.

Whats the matter?
Don't you know,
I cry too?

Your arms are slightly drooped
as if you were a rag toy;
children's pattering
makes clothes coy.
Mum's trying to be flattering,
she is so cooped.

Whats the matter?
Don't you know,
I cry too?

You swell up and smile
like a girl simply sad.
I could stay here for a while,
but that would be a cliché.




This was my first major attempt at distant rhymes. I know they are nothing special but its a new technique to me so be as critical and helpful as you can. Thank you.


Digitally Clean

I think what it lacks is cohesion, the song doesn't really tell a story. some of the rhymes like cooped and the line about children seem out of place. I liked the title though and the opening line had great imagery.
#5
i found tht it should have portrayed something .... i kinda found tht it lead no where .... thought it was good tho really good imagrery but it didn't really catch me i like the chours part of it
#6
Coyness of clothes, I admit was waaaaaaaaayyyyyyy to weird. I'm not even going to bother explaining how it relates.
I used the word "cooped" as it does fittingly describe me mam, and it neatly found itself into the rhyming scheme. Saying that though, it does feel odd. I didn't want to phrase it any other way, I wanted the reader to take whatever they desired from it. Basically that she is in a world of her own. Its more complicated than that, but thats the basic principle.

Priest... most of my stuff lacks cohesion, its my style unfortunately and its something I have been working for years now, I have realised it will most likely remain so. I have made the most progress in that field when I broke myself into S&L and had the help from all these wizards around me. Ball licking!
Thank you for your comments mate.

Skal... Thanks also, your opinion is always welcome and helpful. This is not really a song, it was more of an experiment to see if I could rhyme in a weird way. I used the "I cry too" section as a way of reiterating the main theme. Simple I know, but I believe it worked decently. I have been trying to compose music to it though as I do kinda like the lyrics themselves.

Sick... thank you for inspiring comments, you always have the most obviously un-obvious criticism.
#7
Since Dig isn't here, I'm going to have to take up her job and agree with what SYK said. The last line was great, but the rest was only average. Especially for you.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.