#1
I'm confused, I'm scared, I'm leaving in five hours. This makes much less sense to everyone but me. Sorry, just thought I should post something. Enjoy.
---


My Darling I am here, right here, forever and always.

I rushed down the Willamette’s bank
The night before I left my town
I held God’s hand like vocal chords,
I stared on as my watch did drown.
I took my shirt, turned out my pockets,
Leaving nothing on the skin unchecked,
I threw spare change into the sewer
I stared on as my watch did drown.
Without a sound, the moon came out
I took Our mouths and sewed them shut
The water screamed and sputtered strong
Against the rocks, I hummed along,
I stared on as my watch did drown.

I rushed down the Willamette’s bank
The night before we left our ground:
To make throats sing
To kiss the thirsty
To be the drink in other towns
To fear the fearful
To know the mournful
To speak the voice in what was drowned

A tick was heard
Deep in the morning
But We were nowhere to be found,
For us, my God and me
Don’t like to stay around too long
For fear of mooring posts coming ‘round
And telling us they know exactly what we’re going through
And telling us they love us
And telling us that destroying flow is just something that
Happens, when every thing you know is up against
A wall with nowhere to go
Except into the mouth of something ready to swallow you whole
And hold you forever, and kiss the hell out of your soul
And telling us that no matter how many watches drown
Or how many moons come around
Or how many mouths you tape off from sound
I’mnotlistening I’mnotlistening I’mnotlistening
at all, ever, sonics, simile, lightning corner of my eye and a dark night
And a river.
"here we are my darling,
sink or swim."
#2
This didn't need to make sense to be beautiful.

Without a sound, the moon came out
I took Our mouths and sewed them shut
The water screamed and sputtered strong
Against the rocks, I hummed along,
I stared on as my watch did drown.

Like sex for the ears. You've created some of the strongest imagery I've ever seen from you in this piece, and the feeling runs just as deep. I wish you luck on wherever you may be going, and I hope the going inspires you as much as the leaving seems to have.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#5
You've been on top of your game lately. I don't remember a time that you've been so consistent in putting out such quality pieces. Yes, that was a compliment.

Good stuff.
#6
This was very good and I read the whole thing because it was so good.

If I had to change anything about this hypothetically speaking as if I had the authority to change anything about this, the only thing I would change is "to fear the fearful, to know the mournful." I think the stanza surrounding those two lines would benefit from the omission of those two lines.

Thanks for writing this because I enjoyed reading this and thinking about this.
#8
- "And telling us that destroying flow is just something that
Happens, when every thing you know is up against
A wall with nowhere to go" - Very clever!

- "And hold you forever, and kiss the hell out of your soul" - I adore this line.

I totally understand this. I really do. Whether its what you want me to understand it as is another matter, a matter I care not for, no offense.

Wonderful work, as per usual, friend. There are one-too-many lines that stung me in the ass's head, so I am just going to say...

Digitally Clean
#10
Love the "kiss the hell out of your soul" line.

You're a genius Synth. But I tell you that enough.
Need Singing Advice?; Read the first page then ask questions.

Quote by punkman_123
Damn Auals, you're messed up. :P


Quote by ZanasCross
This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."
#11
My Darling I am here, right here, forever and always.

The title was pretentious and if you take a step back I think you'll most likely realise that it isn't great at all. Just take something better, directly from the piece: a line like the 3rd in the opening stanza would be so much better.

I rushed down the Willamette’s bank
The night before I left my town
I held God’s hand like vocal chords,
Beautiful line, I was hoping there'd be more clever abstract ideas like this later in the piece. I soon realised you could easily cut down on a lot of the filler, a lot of this piece is just useless repitition.
I stared on as my watch did drown.
I took my shirt, turned out my pockets,
Leaving nothing on the skin unchecked,
I threw spare change into the sewer
I stared on as my watch did drown.
This is all good up to here.
Without a sound, the moon came out
You really don't need a rhyme, here. It was flowing fine and this reads kind of childishly. I like the following few lines, though this doesn't live up to the God line earlier.
I took Our mouths and sewed them shut
The water screamed and sputtered strong
Against the rocks, I hummed along,
I stared on as my watch did drown.

I rushed down the Willamette’s bank
The night before we left our ground:
To make throats sing
To kiss the thirsty
To be the drink in other towns
To fear the fearful
To know the mournful
To speak the voice in what was drowned
This is where I like your use of repition - it's actually used to great effect here. Nothing to nit pick on in this stanza, I liked 'kiss the thirsty', that was beautiful.

A tick was heard
Deep in the morning
But We were nowhere to be found,
For us, my God and me
No no no. Sorry, I really don't appreciate this at all. 'my God and me'? Where did that even come from? It's pretentious and half-hearted.
Don’t like to stay around too long
For fear of mooring posts coming ‘round
And telling us they know exactly what we’re going through
And telling us they love us
Good repition, these last two lines.
And telling us that destroying flow is just something that
But you don't know when to stop! This line is really weak the line break before 'Happens' is horrible and unnatural. I'm sure you could cut a lot of this piece out. Or better yet, come up with some similar lines to the one I mentioned earlier and really make this something consistent and special.
Happens, when every thing you know is up against
A wall with nowhere to go
Except into the mouth of something ready to swallow you whole
And hold you forever, and kiss the hell out of your soul
And telling us that no matter how many watches drown
Or how many moons come around
Or how many mouths you tape off from sound
I’mnotlistening I’mnotlistening I’mnotlistening
at all, ever, sonics, simile, lightning corner of my eye and a dark night
And a river.
"here we are my darling,
sink or swim."
I liked the final two lines. Good concept. But almost everything up to there, though, was just not worth reading. Edit: forgot to mention that I thought the 'I'mnotlistening' line was really cool. This piece is pretty much a perfect example of why I don't like your style - simply too much repitition. Everything has so much more impact when you use it in small doses.

This has potential, sure, I'm not saying it's an awful piece. But I'm tired of everybody licking your ass - I can see why they do it but nobody seems prepared to kick you in the balls apart from Zach and occassionally Jamie - so I felt the need to give you a decent crit. If you want to return (please do), here: http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=931028, or, https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=931305
Last edited by samoo at Aug 11, 2008,
#12
i think revising this piece would be a case of deleting unnecessary lines. unlike other people, i loved the rhymes, but a few odd lines here didn't really add anything to the piece (rather, gave it quite an unattractive cluttered feel that corrupted the beauty).

it's certainly one of my favourites of yours recently, though. lines like this:

"to kiss the thirsty, to be the drink in other towns"

make it worth reading and then some. i'd probably of taken the samoo path if he didn't. this needs some work, but the piece is there already, it's just a case of sharpening edges.

please don't be overwhelmed with work and stop writing at college. i shall be very upset if you do.
#13
"And telling us that destroying flow is just something that
Happens, when every thing you know is up against
A wall with nowhere to go"

^If that's your excuse for the shoddy meter in this piece, I'm not buying it.


All in all, I frankly didn't like it. The title is painful (as are the forced capitalizations), the wording is oftentimes annoyingly archaic, and after reading it I felt like you tried to force some meaning down my throat as if it was something substantial, when really it was just watered down and thin.


If that came across as overharsh, I'm sorry. My opinions are all I have, so they're all I can offer ;].


Still reading.
Ed.
I owe a ton of people critiques.

If you're one of them, please PM me.

I have trouble keeping track.
#14
very nice! The only thing I didn't like were the final two likes before the quoted lines at the end. In a piece that was strong on measure and structure, it's just trying to please too many masters by throwing in the random cryptic lines to serve as a break before the quoted ending.

I like the title much too. Oh, but I mainly posted to say that college is freaking awesome and you will love it. Yeah new people are scary but it's exceptionally easy to find mature people who have similar interests, and you'll take some awesome classes and meet like-minded folks in those too. Just be proactive the first few weeks and be patient as you adapt. Both the social and academic sides are like anything else- you get out of them what you put into them.

Also saw you recently shout out to Sage Francis. +1
#15
the phrases and words really have little to do with each other. basically, it is jumpy. there are many unnecessary lines here which are not written as well as others. you could do with cutting lines and more focus in your poetry.

i am filled with envy at the passion and eloquence with which you write
but disappointed at the fact that you do not use it well

not to say that this piece wasn't good, it's just that i think that you have the potential to do better