#1
i lay awake
in bed i speak
i stare straight
into the light
the rest of the room darkens
as the light grows brighter.
my lungs fill with it,
my eyes bloodshot,
and lips cold.
im drowning in this light.
I scream for salvation,
scream for help.
an answering echo,
screams back at me.
Taunts me, laughs at me.
as i reach bedside for something,
anything.
I cant move.
trapped in this hypnosis.
the light now overwhelms me,
and drags me in.
Screaming for anything,
but now only silence occurs,
even the echoes are gone.
Everything is gone,
nothing remains,
but this light.
#3
in my opinion, this piece isn't bad. but the problem is, everything is just a bit too vague.
although i like that the ambiguity of it - to a certain extent - as it adds an element of mystery to it, the problem is it feels too bland.

i know the title is nothing remains, and maybe you wanted to create a minimalist effect but because you use such "easy" ideas: "bloodshot eyes", "cold lips". it feels very unimpressive.
i hope this crit doesn't seem too harsh, i want to reiterate that i don't think this is bad. but i feel you should develop your ideas, and explore what else you can do with it, as it seems to show promise.

keep at it.
#4
I will say one thing and only one thing - waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy to many "light-s".
#5
Yeah its a tad random for me. The ending seems like it would be a good way to wrap up some kind of profound or clever tension in the story. But the story itself comes out of nowhere. The force that is generally the source of this angst isn't set up in any way. It doesn't seem to be anything internal or external. Like you're a tortured soul, but tortured by WHAT? It might be enough that the answer is nothing in some random nihilistic piece, but this isn't really that so it's like reading a bad horror novel about some vague threat. I'd build into it something more about what is haunting you or how it makes you act or feel, not simply a story, which just feels under-developed.
#6
This seems rather vague and a tad boring, to be honest. It seems like a drug overdose or something similar. You build tension but never release it. You also use "light" too many times. Keep my focus.

You can, however, edit the piece. It's not beyond repair.

If you'd be so kind as to take a look at either of my pieces, I'd be much obliged. There are links in my signature.