#1
yes
i know the homeless
meat-free but not yet
boneless
the sidewalk sap
like old gum stuck down
always in the same spot.
when it rains he puts his hands
over his head
this particular one
extremely stubborn.
a few years back
boys would throw stones at him
threaten him with matches
told him they would set him alight
but there was no fight
and the boys left, bored
went along to run away from the girls
who played kiss chase.
yes
i know the homeless
the meat-free, but not yet boneless
if i didn't then maybe it would be different;
i would have emptied the can of fuel all over him
flicked a lit match from a safe distance
and watched the sagging flesh burn.
if i did that
i'd stand there, watch, think
"what a way to go"
alone
but alight
gum stuck to the sole
of your shoe


C4C.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Aug 8, 2008,
#2
It feels like your descriptions are too drawn out.

bwould throw stones at him
threaten him with matches
told him they would set him alight
but there was no fight
and the boys left, bored
went along to run away from the girls
who played kiss chase.

It just seems like that doesn't really flow to me, but it does make a statement.

I really like the beginning and the end.
#4
yes
i know the homeless
meat-free but not yet
boneless
I like this, they've got spine, eh?
the sidewalk sap
like old gum stuck down
always in the same spot.
Again, I like the comparison between them and gum. Being walked all over etc
when it rains he puts his hands
over his head
this particular one
extremely stubborn.
a few years back
This seems to lose flow a bit here
. Also, is there a reason why he's stubborn?
boys would throw stones at him
threaten him with matches
told him they would set him alight
but there was no fight
and the boys left, bored
went along to run away from the girls
who played kiss chase.
Didn't like this bit, probably just because it seems unreal to me. I've never a met a child that would do that, and I have met some bastard little children.
yes
i know the homeless
the meat-free, but not yet boneless
if i didn't then maybe it would be different;
i would have emptied the can of fuel all over him
flicked a lit match from a safe distance
Like the way this calls up the image of flicking a coin
and watched the sagging flesh burn.
if i did that
i'd stand there, watch, think
"what a way to go"
alone
but alight
gum stuck to the sole
lol, that line seemed a bit cheesy to me, but meh.
of your shoe


I liked it there were a few bits that didn't chime for me and a few bits that seem to trip you up when you're reading it... I also didn't particularly like the subject matter, i think it could have been handled with someone other than children. Meh, aside from that I thought it was class.
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#5
Hey Jammy,

I liked this piece quite a bit. It had good flow and the two parts meshed great. Too different directions of thought yet intermingled, excellent. It seems you have compassion for the homeless, imo. There were a few parts i didnt like being "stubborn"
and "there was no fight" if you could have crafty language through out the whole piece and no weak lines in this it would be excellent. Those lines seem like extra.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=929575

?

-nice
#6
Thanks everyone.

meh!, the children are just supposed to represent the utmost lack of respect, really. That's why they're in there. Thanks, I'll try and get back to your latest somewhen.

Thanks too Mike, cheers for getting to this. Good to see you posting again aswell.
#7
Quote by Jammydude44
Thanks everyone.

meh!, the children are just supposed to represent the utmost lack of respect, really. That's why they're in there. Thanks, I'll try and get back to your latest somewhen.

Thanks too Mike, cheers for getting to this. Good to see you posting again aswell.



I get that, and I get that it is one of the most horrible images to see the child, this innocent thing, taunting the homless like that, but don't you think it's worse in a sort of superficial way?

It's like, some real adults do treat homeless people like ****e quite often, so using children just seems to detract from the impact instead of lending it.(for me)

( and don't feel obliged to crit my stuff just cause I crit yours, I'm only reading and critiquing things I enjoy...for the enjoyment, lol)
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish