#1
wrapped to the teeth in blankets and bandages
like a limping prizefighter thrown to the savages
marching to the hills of fire and blood
shaking in a flashbulb frenzy
fit for epileptic kings and waxwings

the rape of the martyr's bride
bound and gagged in electrical tape
jarred baby brains swimming in chemical lovestains
mounted above the fireplace
celebrated like x-rays in a trophy case

a teenage girl's atrophied feet
dancing on a needle sea
painted in gangrene
and broken bones trapped in metal cages
her broken bones wrapped in skeletal braces
spinal fluid dripping onto carcinogenic pages
spilling onto adoring museum faces

oh please take me to these execution stages
where chalk-lined singers have been dying for years
to deaf vultures and floors of cut-off ears
oh please take me to these curious places
where the widow barfly melts
in circles of androgynous hell
c'mon! this art won't sell itself
Last edited by sleep sickness at Aug 19, 2008,
#2
Quote by sleep sickness
wrapped to the teeth in blankets and bandages
like a limping prizefighter thrown to the savages
marching to the hills of fire and blood
shaking in a flashbulb frenzy
fit for epileptic kings and waxwings
i love the first line. i didn't like how you dropped the rhyming after the first couplet, though. i'm not usually a fan of rhyme, but you started it off with such an interesting one, it left me wanting more.

the rape of the martyr's bride
bound and gagged in electrical tape
jarred baby brains swimming in chemical lovestains
hung on display in a trophy case
(mounted above the fireplace)
its the rhyme thing again. is there a reason the rhymes are so seemingly random? oh, and i didn't really like baby brains. eew...

a teenage girl's atrophied feet
dancing on a needle sea
painted in leper gangrene
and broken bones trapped in metal cages
her broken bones wrapped in skeletal braces
spinal fluid dripping onto the carcinogenic pages
spilling onto the adoring museum faces
'leper gangrene' didn't sit well with me. i think it just didnt flow well in my head. and the last 2 lines here were kind of clumsy to read to me. that may just be me, though

oh please! take me to these execution stages
where chalk-lined singers have been dying for years
to deaf vultures and floors of cut-off ears
oh please! take me to these curious places
where the widow barfly melts
in circles of androgynous hell
c'mon! this art won't sell itself
i love the last line. and the imagery in this stanza is great. the 'oh please!" stuff kinda bugged me, though. i'd like it better without the oh, i think. oh's always seem kinda cheesy to me. thats totally a personal preference though, so you can probably ignore this.


so i liked this, but i didn't really get anything out of it. and they randomness of the rhyming threw me off a bit. it lessened the flow for me. it would have read a lot smoother if there were a more discernable pattern in the piece.

thanks for taking a look at mine.
ray
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?
#3
Frida has nothing on you, this was truly disgusting... nice job.

On first read the only real distraction was the parentheses - no real need for them, if anything they were a distraction. Aside from that it was a real job to take everything in right away. I found myself skipping over about every other word just to get to a point where it all finally tied together, which the last line did well enough.

The second time through I was able to focus more on the content of your imagination (or perhaps Frida's). But even this time - though some of the imagery was spectacular in a sick way - I agree with Hope; there wasn't much to get out of it as a whole. It just came across as a list of all the gross images you could conjure, with the last line the only one really applying any meaning or intention. A few breaks would do wonders for this, if only one line per stanza dedicated to a bigger picture. Perhaps discussing the artist's journey through their career and why/how they came up with those things.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#4
hey ray - thanks for the input, i agree with a lot of what you said, and had some reservations about some of the stuff you mention. the reason the rhymes were random were mostly because a lot of it was a train-of-thought freewrite. i tried experimenting with diction and basically wanted it so that assonance/rhyming words linked the images together, somewhat uncomfortably and erratic, rather than a rhyme scheme. i can see how that might create a messy read. thanks again.

billyjson - you in many ways are correct, it was my intention to create a series of images/paintings with words. that's why i tried to make many of the lines self-contained. i agree that some of the images are disparate because i wanted the piece to conjure a lot of different ideas/pictures. there is a unifying idea behind the images though that is supposed to be hinted at and summarised in the last line. i may try and edit it though and attempt to have each verse more of a self-contained unit though. cheers.

thanks guys, much appreciated.

just wanted to say the piece itself is not directly about the artist frida kahlo. i watched the film about her and i got some ideas from it and her paintings, so she did somewhat inspire some of the ideas behind the piece, but it is not about her. i might explain later what it is about, but i hope someone can surmise a guess.
#5
First of all, thanks for the crit on my piece. Unfortunately I think you'll be of more help than I can be for you.

I really like a lot of the internal measure. Some of the lines flow so well, it's the positioning of the hard and soft syllables that make for natural points of emphasis. I don't think its a problem that the rhymes are sparing and random. However, perhaps the problem is that the FIRST two lines rhyme, thus the reader immediately falls into that expectation. I think those 2 lines are great so I don't know how I'd change them. But if they were somehow moved or didn't appear to rhyme, it might keep those expectations away.

I also cannot venture a guess as to exactly what it's about, although it reminds me of a twisted version of Von Hagens' Body Worlds exhibit. The last paragraph is great because it ties everything together, but also lends a cynicism and light-heartedness that is necessary to keep this from being just a shock piece.

Maybe I didn't come away from it profoundly different, but I enjoyed it and I feel like it accomplished what it set out to do. Great imagery.
#6
^thanks alot for your input. I'm not sure how else I would start it, but I'll try and see if i can rejiggle it. I've set some of this to music, and as a song, I don't think the rhyme poses as much a problem out loud as it does on paper.

i understand what everyone means about it not really doing much, i guess it is somewhat contrived since i didn't put any of myself/emotions into it, and is intended to show rather than state.


the theme of the piece is the intrinsic nature of tragedy with art/beauty. frida was a great artist but had a very hard/tragic life in many ways, and i think that to a certain extent there is a beauty in that tragedy, she would not have been the same artist without those factors that shaped her. the same goes for many artists who have had tragic lives, yet created great pieces of art as a by-product. elliott smith, slyvia plath etc
anyway, i'm not sure if i was able to successfull convey that, and it probably sounds ridiculously pretentious. so i'll just shut up now.
#7
Quote by sleep sickness
wrapped to the teeth in blankets and bandages
like a limping prizefighter thrown to the savages
I don't like the "thrown to the savages" bit, the rest is good.
marching to the hills of fire and blood
shaking in a flashbulb frenzy
fit for epileptic kings and waxwings
Haha, this is great dramatic writing!

the rape of the martyr's bride
bound and gagged in electrical tape
The use of "electrical tape" is a very effective way of bringing this piece a slight sense of humanity, even though its twisted humanity.
jarred baby brains swimming in chemical lovestains
hung on display in a trophy case
mounted above the fireplace
These three lines don't suit each other in my eyes. The first line, starting with "jarred..." is really really weird, I can dig it if I try hard enough - I did try hard btw - but the next two lines are a tad cliched, and you have clearly managed to avoid many cliches that are usually prevelant with this type of, over the top, song.

a teenage girl's atrophied feet
dancing on a needle sea
painted in gangrene
and broken bones trapped in metal cages
her broken bones wrapped in skeletal braces
Repetition could of been better.
spinal fluid dripping onto carcinogenic pages
spilling onto adoring museum faces
man, this just gets crazier and crazier.

oh please take me to these execution stages
where chalk-lined singers have been dying for years
to deaf vultures and floors of cut-off ears
Rhythm becomes a little stuttered here with the last three words, something you should look out for.
oh please take me to these curious places
where the widow barfly melts
in circles of androgynous hell
c'mon! this art won't sell itself



This is my favourite piece of the weak so far! I loved it.
I had so much fun reading this that I didn't even care what it was about, something that is very amiable and not something to disdain.
I know I don't have much to say, but I think its almost perfect as it is.

Digitally Clean