#1
Hi UG,

This is really short since it is the first thing I've ever written. It seems mediocre to me, because I can't write for s***t. Please don't be too harsh.

"In The Moonlight I Confide" - Atoned Souls

The celestial light garnishes my skin,
Sorrow permeates my soul.
I am dying from within,
My body goes numb and my heart turns cold.

In the moonlight I confide,
My days are coming to an end.
Trying to push all troubles aside,
Moonlight, will you be my friend?
Last edited by Lord-O-Donuts at Aug 8, 2008,
#2
Quote by Lord-O-Donuts
Hi UG,

This is really short since it is the first thing I've ever written. It seems mediocre to me, because I can't write for s***t. Please don't be too harsh.

"In The Moonlight I Confide" - Atoned Souls

The celestial light garnishes my skin,
Sorrow permeates my soul.
I don't mind it, but sometimes, there are simpler words that can be more effective at describing than these more complex ones like "garnishes" and "permeates".
I am dying from within,
My body goes numb and my heart turns cold.
I liked the flow and rhyme of this section. Not wholly sure what is going on here though.

In the moonlight I confide,
My days are coming to an end.
This was the weakest line in the piece.
Trying to push all troubles aside,
Moonlight, will you be my friend?
Awesome last line.


Overall, extremely strong first attempt. And don't put yourself down, most people are unsatisfied with their own work, but you are someone who shouldn't be.
#3
Quote by Lord-O-Donuts
Hi UG,

This is really short since it is the first thing I've ever written. It seems mediocre to me, because I can't write for s***t. Please don't be too harsh.

"In The Moonlight I Confide" - Atoned Souls

The celestial light garnishes my skin,
Sorrow permeates my soul.
I think this is not a bad opener. Potentially melodramatic and attempting to be too abstract with the use of "Sorrow", but it's not bad at all."
I am dying from within,
My body goes numb and my heart turns cold.
This part felt too separate from the first two lines. It is much more generic and uninteresting in comparison.

In the moonlight I confide,
My days are coming to an end.
Trying to push all troubles aside,
I think you should try to make more of an impression, create more of an image/idea than this. This is a relatively short piece, but the lines aren't employed to their full potential. In a poem, and especially with a short poem, you should try to make sure you utilise every word you can, to make sure no words are wasted. Unfortunately, the latter two lines seem slightly forgettable.
Moonlight, will you be my friend?
I actually really liked this closing line, full of despair... brilliant! Heh


I know it may sound like I was being harsh, but don't take it too personally. For a first piece, it's not bad at all. I just think you were slightly unsure of yourself, and what you wanted from this piece. The first two lines tried to achieve a more poetic effect, whereas the latter two lines of the first stanza used very basic/common ideas. I think one of the main problems is the atmosphere and tone of the poem, it lacks clarity, and some of the lines seem to pull the piece in different directions rather than building on each other. I do like the basis of the poem though, the central idea is an interesting one, and I definitely think you could explore it further should you wish to alter this piece. Otherwise, try to focus on things you can improve next time around. Just don't give up!
#4
Hey. Just for future reference... unless it's necessary, don't centre the piece, or use both small fonts and hard to read fonts combined. It makes reading the piece pretty arduous.

"In The Moonlight I Confide" - Atoned Souls

The celestial light garnishes my skin,
Sorrow permeates my soul.
I am dying from within,
My body goes numb and my heart turns cold.
The main concern here is the flow. Each line is kinda broken up - separate. Try working each line together without always resorting to punctuation (and, but, as etc). Quite a strong opening, for any standard of writing. The last line is horribly cliche, and it draws away from the interesting first two lines. I know you probably didn't, but try not to use obscure words just for the sake of it. 'Permeates' stands out to me as being one of those words that you pick out of a Thesaurus, or Microsoft Word Synonyms.

In the moonlight I confide,
My days are coming to an end.
Trying to push all troubles aside,
Moonlight, will you be my friend?
Like I mentioned before. The punctuation kills the flow. I can't really see the point you're trying to make, tbh. Your wording is quite elegant though. It has a definite charm to it. There's not a lot I can add... you have a few cliche phrases in here - which can be expected on a first write.

You've definitely got potential. Give it a few more pieces so that you develop your own style a bit more, and I'm sure you'll improve tenfold.

O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#5
well like you said it is very short but its pretty good, i do agree with what someone, sorry cant remember who know said about the font size. I didnt actually realise the second line said sorrow permeats my soul, i thought it was sorry penetrates my soul, virtually means the same thing but how i read it sounded really bad. So it was could just make it easier to read next time.
#7
i like it, sounds like something i would write, i would add one more stanza.(personally)
this to me, seems like one of those songs that just repeat two or three parts for a very simplistic song,nice job

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