#1
been a bit depressed lately, and i thought i'd vent through lyrics. i'm not emo, though, and if these seem a bit too emo, please say so. I'm not sure i would use them, but i'm really just looking for feedback.

I just cannot face
The one I call disgrace
I just cannot escape
The thoughts begin to shape

Hard to give love and peace
When with myself I am at war
I need to find some release
Before I’m running out the door

The inconvenient truth
The one that has no proof
To be yourself, unique
The self that left me weak

Hard to give love and peace
When with myself I am at war
I need to find some release
It keeps coming back for more

And with nowhere else to turn
And again lonely, I return
Frustrated and upset
I just hope you can forget

But I try to play it light
And keep you entertained
It’s only you tonight
I hope I can regain

I try to give love and peace
Although I am at war
I hope to get another piece
You have me back for more

Back home I drift to sleep
Long as i can, sleep so deep
I never had the one I love
The one I’m always thinking of

edit: finished the song. It's kind of a poem; i haven't written any guitar behind it, but i would like to once i can play again (on vacation). It was written fairly quickly, but i really put in a lot of effort and emotion. please let me know what you think


Saying the Red Hot Chili Peppers have no talent is like saying Guy Fawkes didn't have an epic mustache.
Last edited by chipmunksurfer at Aug 8, 2008,
#2
i thought it was pretty good and i think it is pretty hard to be 'too emo' in a written piece. I always write about very presonal things in every piece barr one which i actually just put on here. it was good and i hope you work out what ever is going on.
#3
Quote by chipmunksurfer
been a bit depressed lately, and i thought i'd vent through lyrics. i'm not emo, though, and if these seem a bit too emo, please say so. I'm not sure i would use them, but i'm really just looking for feedback. Don't get hung up on the genre, if your lyrics are sincere and without specific references they're adaptable. For example, I could see this song as a Joseph Arthur dark acoustic and I could see it being sung by Staind. Your delivery and preference will shape people's opinion, not the other way around

I just cannot face
The one I call disgrace
I just cannot escape
The thoughts begin to shape solid opening, not especially different but not flawed. Perhaps I'd change 'the' to 'as' in the last line

Hard to give love and peace
When with myself I am at war
I need to find some release
Before I’m running out the door first 2 lines are great! Last two are ordinary, just changing some of the vocabulary may elevate it

The inconvenient truth
The one that has no proof
To be yourself, unique
The self that left me weak I feel like this paragraph is like the essence of your song's emotion, and it shows, as it is very well crafted

Hard to give love and peace
When with myself I am at war
I need to find some release
It keeps coming back for more same comments as above chorus

And with nowhere else to turn
And again lonely, I return
Frustrated and upset
I just hope you can forget flows, I'm diggin it

But I try to play it light
And keep you entertained
It’s only you tonight
I hope I can regain first 2 lines great, I don't really like the last one, I was kind of expecting the next stanza to relay what you're hoping to regain, but its a chorus-type again, which leaves this one a little out there for me

I try to give love and peace
Although I am at war
I hope to get another piece
You have me back for more this one's a tad better

Back home I drift to sleep
Long as i can, sleep so deep
I never had the one I love
The one I’m always thinking of The words are fine, but I was a little surprised to see the last 2 lines, because that changed a lot of the meaning for me. I didn't see this as a hopeless romantic piece at all. Personally I'd prefer to see them replaced with something more germane to the other lines, but perhaps you have other ideas for the meaning

edit: finished the song. It's kind of a poem; i haven't written any guitar behind it, but i would like to once i can play again (on vacation). It was written fairly quickly, but i really put in a lot of effort and emotion. please let me know what you think


As evidenced above, I liked a lot of the piece, some good lines and feeling. Obviously I also thought there were a few things out of sorts. Writing lyrics is a nice way to channel sadness because if you like your lyrics you get excited about them. Hope you find brighter days.