#1
I took a test
it came out black from
scratching little circle areas
for the right answer

They blinked like
little eyes on my page
flat beady eyes
compound insect eyes
electric cartoon eyes

And my head fell on the desk-
it was an anvil with
ACME painted on the side

And my fingers roadrunnerring
through my hair, chased by the
coyote, which is my hair—brown
except that one white spot
on the side of my head that I
showed you yesterday where I
had a mole that burned off
in the sun when I was a kid

And you touched the
side of my head yesterday

And my hair rustled
in my ear, because
that one spot on the
side of my head with
the white hair is close
to my ear,

And it was a loud shuddering rustle
that I felt everywhere

And then I wished I had
better control over where
my eyebrows go when I relax
my face muscles because I
didn't want to give you
a dirty look accidentally
#2
i very much enjoyed that. really liked the way the observations/percepetions were described.

a couple things...

the "flat beady eyes..." bit seemed slightly jarring at first, and also a bit separate from the rest of the piece, but i did like the idea, so meh dunno what you should do with that.

the piece also seemed in two halves, one half is the test/from your head on the desk, to the part about the rustling of your hair. this wasn't a problem/i didn't notice this the first time i read it. only the second, when i started again, i thought the beginning part seemed a bit disconnected from the second. i didn't like the transition from:

"ACME painted on the side" to "And my fingers..". felt a bit clumsy on second read.

i guess that might have been your intention though, the title made me think the piece was meant to read a bit like a trailing off in a daydream-esque journey.
only minor grievances though. i liked the style and tone of the piece alot.
if you get a chance to take a look at mine in my sig, that'd be boss.

edit: oh and one more bit, the "chased by the coyote, which is my hair" read badly. i know the voice of the piece seemed slightly lackadaisical, but it still bothered me a little.
Last edited by sleep sickness at Aug 9, 2008,
#4
Thanks to both of you for reading and replying.

Sleep sickness, you pretty much nailed it. I had originally written this as a freewrite, and ended up not being able to do anything with that first half, so I just left it the way it was. It seemed a suitable transition. The mind does tend to wander when one takes tests.