#1
i had a vision of
your board flying through
the air
over the bank / into the river.
maybe it was a statement
in adolesence
or your
jaded life in central
suburbia.

yr cheeks emitted a distinct rose colour.
yr skin shone an unmarked light.
youthful purity.

endless roads of sorrow,
you've never had it so good.
"i'd give my soul to be where i was a year ago... if i had a soul left to give"
Last edited by TV Party at Aug 9, 2008,
#2
Quote by TV Party
i had a vision of
your board flying through
the air
over the bank / into the river.
"I had a vision of" is a wonderful way to open a piece. Got me interested on the spot. Don't have anything negative to say here.
maybe it was a statement
in adolesence
or your
jaded life in central
suburbia.
I might be wrong, but the "or" is a typo and meant to be "of", right? If not, then I don't really know what to make out of it. I kind of get what you're getting at, but it doesn't make much sense, literally. Is this jaded life of hers the equivalent of the vision? I'm sorry, but unless that "or" is a typo, this stanza just confuses me.

yr cheeks emitted a distinct rose colour.
yr skin shone an unmarked light.
youthful purity.
Very accurate description of youth and innocence. The repetition was very effective. Good job.

endless roads of sorrow,
you've never had it so good.
This is, however, not as good in my opinion. A quite blunt ending to the piece. "You've never had it so good" is a quite weak end to the piece. It doesn't wrap it up in any particular way, but it doesn't leave me wanting more either. It just feels very... confusing as I'm still trying to figure out whether you're being sarcastic or not.

Honestly I didn't get much out of this. It feels like you get to caught up in the wording too actually focus on what it is you really want to say. I can totally feel the atmosphere and conflict of the poem, but I can't quite follow it the whole way through, simply because a lot of it doesn't make sense to me. It also feels like there's a lack of sincerity (please do correct me if I'm wrong) to the piece. It feels like the subject has been written about a thousand times and that you only took it because it's easy to write about. That's my frank opinion.

Feel free to take revenge or whatever here.
#3
Eh, it felt too much like a trap; like you were trying to trick me into thinking this was a really good exampl eof poetry with these techniques, yr rite kool wording and broken lines, when really, there wasn't too much there.

I know you're a good writer (and hopefully if you know me well enough, you'll know I'm just critting, nothing personal about it) but here I really felt there was nothing - no emotion, no hook, no foundations to the piece. It felt almost pretentious, a sleight of hand that would sucker those who don't really read poetry, but those who do could and should find fault with it. It feels plastic right the way through, and I didn't feel anything once.

My fifty pence. I have something in my sig, if you could. Many thanks if you do get around to it.