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#1
ots. i make myself sick sometimes.


bored narcissism blah blah blah...

your t-shirt is fluttering with your silly racing heart
as i stare into your eyes.
i've mastered this look.
you know, that one that makes you
slide your hand up my skirt.
and there's hardly any mosquitoes out tonight,
nothing else to hear you belch out
involuntary truths.
visceral honesty.
i giggle.
i blush.
i'm so fucking good at this,
i should probably feel guilty.
but the alcohol's disappearing with the sun,
and i'm feeling better by the second.

orange sherbet clouds linger above you
as i kiss you the way that
makes you take off my shirt.
and this is where you get sentimental.
uncomfortable honesty.
this time you say i'm more beautiful
than i ever could believe.
i don't want to, but i smile.
it's just so cute how you think you've seduced me.

now the stars are shining brighter,
you're breathing harder,
i'm getting drunker.
just a few more swigs, and we'll be done here.
but before passing out, you'll ask me yet again:
how could you not be in love?
and you'll force me into redundancy;
ever-foolish honesty.
because if we're telling the truth,
we've both faked it before.
i'm just better at it than you.

in fact, i'm so good, it hurts.
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?
Last edited by hope's downfall at Aug 10, 2008,
#2
morality is dead, dead, dead.
this was interesting and original, if not a bit underwhelming.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#3
So much better than the last one you posted.

That crack of a whip that's so you with lovely little images.

I'll be back, but this was great.
#4
i loved the opening stanza.

"but the alcohol's disappearing with the sun,"

excellent line.


i also liked the beginning of the second stanza, but the last 4 lines seemed a little uninteresting compared the what went before. I think the last line in particular is a bit too...obvious/blunt. the message was already being conveyed, and i think some of those lines, especially the last, ruin the effect by spelling it out.

"this time you say i'm more beautiful
than i ever could believe.
i don't want to, but i smile.
it's just so cute how you think you're seducing me."

"now the stars are shining brighter,
you're breathing harder,
i'm getting drunker.
just a few more swigs, and we'll be done here.
but before passing out, you'll ask me yet again:
how could you not be in love?
and you'll force me into redundancy;"

I think this part is the weakest in the piece, it just seems so much more unimaginative when compared to the rest. earlier, you had some interesting description and ideas but here, they're like throwaway lines. "stars shining brighter", "breathing harder", "getting drunker". It just all becomes too plainly described. Don't get me wrong, it's not bad, but it's just a bit of a letdown compared to the better parts of this piece.

the ending itself isn't bad, i think i'd probably like it more, if you changed some of what went before - because you pretty much spell out the ending in the end of the second stanza and so the bit at the end loses it's punch a little.

anyhoo, i am nitpicking a bit, i did enjoy reading that. i loved the style of your opening stanza and beginning of your second, and the repeated variation of "honesty" was also a nice touch, but it seemed to go downhill from there. there are many positives though, i also liked the tone/voice you created, very ruthless, and puts a nice spin on the standard misogynystic view of seduction and sex.

will look out for other stuff from you. and if you get a chance to take a look at the one in my sig, i'd appreciate it alot. thanks
Last edited by sleep sickness at Aug 10, 2008,
#5
snowblind, morality isn't dead. it just doesnt live here anymore.

jamie, i look forward to hearing more from you.

and sleep sickness, thanks for the in depth crit. i'll get to yours a bit later today.

when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?
#6
Quote by hope's downfall
ots. i make myself sick sometimes.


bored narcissism blah blah blah...

your t-shirt is fluttering with your silly racing heart
as i stare into your eyes.
I actually think a stanza break here would be cool. The first two lines work as a really good hook, and the next line starts off a stanza in a really cool way.
i've mastered this look.
you know, that one that makes you
slide your hand up my skirt.
I love your looks. It's become a staple of your piece, this little bit, and you use it better than anyone else on the site.
and there's hardly any mosquitoes out tonight,
nothing else to hear you belch out
involuntary truths.
visceral honesty.
This bit read a bit eh, unoriginal maybe. It read like, in caps, "so this is the part of the piece where we find out this guys negatives". Ya dig?
i giggle.
i blush.
I'd take out the second "i", find the image more interesting. Idk.
i'm so fucking good at this,
i should probably feel guilty.
but the alcohol's disappearing with the sun,
and i'm feeling better by the second.

orange sherbet clouds linger above you
as i kiss you the way that
makes you take off my shirt.
and this is where you get sentimental.
uncomfortable honesty.
this time you say i'm more beautiful
than i ever could believe.
i don't want to, but i smile.
it's just so cute how you think you've seduced me.
Love this. Wouldn't change any of it.

now the stars are shining brighter,
Yawn.
you're breathing harder,
i'm getting drunker.
just a few more swigs, and we'll be done here.
but before passing out, you'll ask me yet again:
how could you not be in love?
and you'll force me into redundancy;
ever-foolish honesty.
because if we're telling the truth,
we've both faked it before.
i'm just better at it than you.

in fact, i'm so good, it hurts.
Loved the "I'm so good2 theme, and the timing of when you used it.


One of my favourite form you, definitely, bar a few wishy-washy bits. Sharp, witty, and honest. Great slice of your life. And that's why I appreciate your writing - I always know I'm learning about you the author. Rreally impressive stuff, Ray.

#7
This piece made me feel like I was 16, getting drunk at parties with friends. And I mean that in a really good way. It makes me feel warm. Kind of like the suns going down and yet there's a warm breeze.

This is great, and today seems to be my nostalgic day.

how could you not be in love?
and you'll force me into redundancy;
ever-foolish honesty.
because if we're telling the truth,
we've both faked it before.
i'm just better at it than you.


I like that a lot, having been there before. However, seeing as you're a girl I spose it should have a different meaning, more malicious or something but whatever.

Your confidence is good.
Need Singing Advice?; Read the first page then ask questions.

Quote by punkman_123
Damn Auals, you're messed up. :P


Quote by ZanasCross
This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."
#8
it's one of the best ideas i've ever read, probably. the brutal honesty of the girl is chilling. i loved it.

on the other hand, i thought the idea was presented poorly. first off, i hated the title something rotten. it sounds like panic at the disco or something. maybe that's your thing, but it just reads like pseudo-intellectual ostentatiously seeping tripe. the word narcissism is disgusting, and has no place in a poem as far as i'm concerned. it says too much, it gives everything away and just leaves the reader hating the narrator and in a bad mood. i felt like someone had stepped on my foot when i read the title. immediately irritated.

i thought the swearing detracted from the piece. people may disagree, but it made the narrator appear more like... the exception that proves the rule. and i don't like that. on paper, the swearing should work, it should fit well with the veracity of the writing. it just didn't, though. it gave me the impression of an ugly, manly, lesbian girl rather than your typical teenager, which made it far less powerful as an idea (note: not because i hate ugly, manly, lesbians, but because they aren't the majority, they're the minority, and they're seldom encountered as opposed to regular women that everyone can relate to).

there were some great lines and some poor lines. "but the alcohol's disappearing with the sun", "i don't want to, but i smile", respectively. the opening phrase of the latter line is just... superfluous. we know you don't want to. i'd go through with a fine tooth-comb and pick up on things like this.

finally, the ending. again, i thought you really hit on a great idea with "it hurts". it suggests the narrator's realisation of her situation and perhaps a dislike of herself altogether, which is, again, something really relatable. i thought it was pulled off well, to an extent. i mean, i got the idea without thinking "that's awful writing", but it just didn't knock me off my elbows.

and such is the nature of this piece.

you may disagree with a great deal of what i've said, which i respect. i've picked on mainly subjective points - i'm attempting to tell you why this didn't work for me personally and allowing you to perhaps interpret and modify to resolve (if it interests you) rather than really digging in to "bad" lines and things. it wouldn't be possible because this is a great piece. it just wasn't as great as it could be and that's more dependant on an absence of beauty than a presence of ugliness. and i can't help with that.

but yeah, sorry for rambling, but this was one of the better pieces i've read in the last
month or so.
#9
thanks a lot for the comments, guys. auals, i'm glad you liked it. jamie and skag, thanks for going so in depth. i appreciate all the thought you put into it.

and just for the record, you're not supposed to like the narrator, i.e. me. the swearing, the honesty, the arrogance, they're all there to highlight the shitty-ness of the situation. and the person(s) involved. i guess i kind of wrote this as a warning. not that i'll ever show it to anyone it would be relevant to, but whatever. minor details. i'm just trying to let people know how big of a bitch i can be.

so yea... thanks for reading.
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?
#10
This was a great read which I don't want to dissect, or feel like I would do much good doing so. It just sounds like you being you and having fun with it. I love how harsh the voice is, and how you're able to rid me of any sympathy I might have had for the guy. This really was ots (ou tof sight).
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#11
EDIT:

Well, I was going to go through and hit on things, but I'll be honest Skag hit all my nitpicks. This was blatantly honest in such a roundabout way that it kicked me in my teeth and cranium. A beautiful piece. You used the shocker lines (skirt etc) just well enough to bring me in and let the idea do the rest.

I can agree with alex to an extent... it needs a comb-over (teehee). He picked out the weakest line in the whole thing and crushed it.

Outside of that, I can't see anything wrong. I really liked it a lot.

If you want, I have a new one up "untitled" in the sig (adding it now to sig). If not, no prob bob-orino.

#12
lol, it's like, once Alex gets to the piece; there's just no scraps to go around.
but, if i can tell you the one thing i did not care for in this piece; it's the title.

other than that you, pretty much, just kicked butt.
this was great stuff Ray.
fantastical funderful read.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#14
A good read. You've a pretty good command of language, and your imagery is nice.

Not the most interesting/original piece, but still, you show yourself to be quite capable.

Thanks for sharing =]
-Ed
I owe a ton of people critiques.

If you're one of them, please PM me.

I have trouble keeping track.
#16
Good Good Good, I was hoping this would get it.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#17
con-grat-u-lay-shuns.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#19
Haven't said anything, didn't feel I had anything else to offer to be honest, I'm sorry.
I've been reading this off and on for the last few days and I have enjoyed it more and more. and now, as its been awarded WotW, I thought I should say something simple.

Congratulations, its well deserved.

Digitally Clean
#20
woah, seriously??


thanks a lot, kids
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?
#22
if this was 1989, this would be a fresh idea. But sadly, it's not. Liz Phair did this nearly twenty years ago on that popular album exile in/from guyville (I forget the name I deleted it)


Quote by hope's downfall
ots. i make myself sick sometimes.


bored narcissism blah blah blah...

your t-shirt is fluttering with your silly racing heart
as i stare into your eyes.

first off, you can't witness the "fluttering of a t-shirt" if you're staring into someone's eyes. It's just, you can't look at more than one place unless you've got the most amazing lazy eye ever, so this imagery is kind of illogical. Maybe instead of describing something so insipid and pointless, go into some detail about his eyes. But whether or not you do, description like this is pointless, "silly racing hear" for example. What is a silly heart? Does it have a hammer and bonk me on the head? Does it fall off cliffs while trying to catch a roadrunner. Description like this is lazy, and adds absolutely nothing (besides ridiculousness.) If you were to go on, and explain why the hell his heart is "silly" that would have been better, but for all I know, his heart could have just drank a cafe latte and be bouncing off the walls and actin' all silly.

i've mastered this look.
you know, that one that makes you
slide your hand up my skirt.

What look, last time I checked you were just staring vapidly into his eyes, or his t-shirt. I need some details here. Otherwise, again just seems to me like a void, empty stare, which no offense If someone were staring blankly into my shirt or eyes I don't think my first reaction would be slipping my hand up your skirt. This is a sorry attempt for action, first off you refer to the reader which makes either the reader uncomfortable or just confused. The only decent thing about this is the slant rhyme of look/skirt which is so barely there that I know for a fact it wasn't intentional.

and there's hardly any mosquitoes out tonight,
nothing else to hear you belch out
involuntary truths.
visceral honesty.
i giggle.
i blush.

Since when are mosquitoes a flying truth serum? And seriously, belch, are you flirting with Booger from Revenge of the Nerds? Anyway this is bad, at the end, it's a list. WHY ARE YOU GIGGLING, WHY ARE YOU BLUSHING. What's the point of this so far? A not-so-detailed re-telling of the last time you were felt up? I have nothing, I don't even know where the hell you are. Are you in a movie theater? A car? A vacant lot? The god damn moon? Really, this is the least description I've got out of a event than this time I read Hemingway write about his bookshelf. I don't have a feeling except being annoyed that you were conscious during this.

i'm so fucking good at this,
i should probably feel guilty.
but the alcohol's disappearing with the sun,
and i'm feeling better by the second.

Okay, phew! It's almost dark out. Finally some setting description, I'm glad I have a vivid picture of where you two are located. You are presently located at DUSK. Congratulations, I didn't know settings could just take place at abstract verbal constructs. Also, now we know that time does pass, as you are "feeling better by the second." What the hell, there's alcohol, are you drinking it? IS IT JUST MAGICALLY DISAPPEARING. Where is the slightest form of any description. There aren't even any verbs, there's not an ounce of action here to describe what's happening. The last time we checked in on you two he was slipping his hand up your skirt because of your vapid staring and then you were giggling. I'd like to poll every guy that's ever touched a girl and ask him if this sounds anything like the last time they felt up a girl. I will go ahead and say no. Also, pointless cursing, woo. Yes, I add curse words to my poetry, but guess what, THEY'RE MODIFIERS, if you're going to swear make sure it adds some emotion to the whole thing, I mean just using a swear isn't doing anyone, especially you any favors. Also I'm glad that I know, that not only are you good at "this" (whatever the hell "this" is, is beyond me) but you're fucking good at it. Congrats! You're f'ing good at something.

orange sherbet clouds linger above you
as i kiss you the way that
makes you take off my shirt.

What way would that be? I hope you know that not everyone is as eager to blow his load than this macho-piece of dirt that you happen to be "kissing." For all I know you could have pecked him on the cheek. I don't understand what you're trying to say here. Also, for the record, unless you live in candy land, orange sherbet clouds first off won't exist during the time of dusk (dusk is typically blue-tinted, unless it is a cloudless night in which the sky would be orange from the sun, but that would require the lack of clouds.) and second orange sherbet clouds visually sound stupid as hell. Anyway, I don't understand the point so far, you're boasting in the fact that you can make a single guy, undress after a single kiss. Well, again I want to salute you because you've found the most eager guy to have sex or fool around with anyone, ever. It takes a little more than a "kiss" to slip my shirt off, and I wouldn't want too anyway because of how you stared at it earlier, or maybe I would, you never gave any personal insight on said shirt. Which isn't surprising.

and this is where you get sentimental.
uncomfortable honesty.

Because of the mosquitoes?

this time you say i'm more beautiful
than i ever could believe.
i don't want to, but i smile.
it's just so cute how you think you've seduced me.

Only super villians and vampires are this antagonistic. Pick one. "This time," WHAT OTHER TIME WAS THERE. This is contextually the only time where he is "honest." So, ugh, this is giving me a headache. How could you be more than you could ever believe. It's pretty fair right now, that you're at least moderately attractive (given the poem) so that would mean you have some really low self-esteem, or, you're so beautiful that you can't believe it. Stop being so incredulous.

now the stars are shining brighter,
you're breathing harder,
i'm getting drunker.

more drunk, come on. you're not in the seventh grade.

just a few more swigs, and we'll be done here.
but before passing out, you'll ask me yet again:

PASSING OUT. How much did you drink? I'm just going to assume he has slipped some sort of drug in your "drink."

how could you not be in love?

He never asked you that before, another time where you refer to an event that never happened to my knowledge.

and you'll force me into redundancy;
ever-foolish honesty.
because if we're telling the truth,
we've both faked it before.

I didn't know guys could, "fake." Unless you're talking about something else, but who the hell knows with this vague mess of nothing.

i'm just better at it than you.

in fact, i'm so good, it hurts.

I bet it would hurt being so painfully oblivious to your own short-comings.



This is god-awful and to be frank about it the only interesting thing about this is how poorly thought out it was. It's a description less description of an event that happened, sort of...

Anyway, this was bad and I'm surprising it is getting so much love. Must be because of your vagina. I guess you are good at "it."


matt.


(sorry about being so harsh, but really no one else was and I don't want you to get too cocky, but from the sound of this poetry I can say I might have already missed the boat. It's nothing personal though. I'm not a bad guy.)
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
Last edited by Something_Vague at Aug 20, 2008,
#23
Quote by Something_Vague
(sorry about being so harsh, but really no one else was and I don't want you to get too cocky, but from the sound of this poetry I can say I might have already missed the boat. It's nothing personal though. I'm not a bad guy.)


he's lying.
#24
Quote by Something_Vague
first off, you can't witness the "fluttering of a t-shirt" if you're staring into someone's eyes.
yes you can. (peripheral vision).

Quote by Something_Vague
What is a silly heart?
one that falls in love too easily.

Quote by Something_Vague
What look?
a seductive one.


and so forth. i thought you made some incredible points but cluttered them with mockery that, really, was written with no purpose other than bringing down the writer. although i did find the thing about dusk hilarious.

come on though. god-awful?
#25
Yes, how the hell am I to infer "silly heart" means one that falls in love. The word love isn't even mentioned until the latter part of the poem. Silly heart could mean a heart that beats too quickly, it could mean anything because she doesn't tell me what it's supposed to mean.

The look part, is of course supposed to mean seductive, but do you 100% know? You don't, and that's why these descriptions are god-awful, if you're going to describe something like a look, you make damn sure that I know it's seductive.

My mockery was meant to counter-act the amount of dick sucking this thread had.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#26
what kind of an argument is that. "do you 100% know?". of course i don't, but given the context of the words i made a relatively founded assumption and read on. i don't know for certain that the narrator isn't a scottish guy wearing a kilt and referring to it as a skirt for comic value. i just made a founded assumption, as did you several times throughout the piece.

how the hell are you meant to infer that silly heart means one that falls in love too easily? because the piece is about this girl seducing the guy. everyone else appears to have made the link, why couldn't you? oh wait, you could. you're just pretending that you couldn't as a means to insult the writing. stop it.
#27
(sorry about being so harsh, but really no one else was and I don't want you to get too cocky, but from the sound of this poetry I can say I might have already missed the boat. It's nothing personal though. I'm not a bad guy.)



I remember when you used to post that in my threads. You never do any more. :'(
#28
No, no no. Silly heart, do I need to get you definition of silly? Given that it is the first line, given there is no information after that to refer back to the silliness of said heart, there is NOTHING you can infer about this. Firstly, she is talking about the heart in a physical sense, because of the racing part, secondly well there isn't a secondly because those two words are the only thing that has to do with that heart.

I can infer, but why should I have too which she was trying to describe something, when I'm described something I shouldn't have to use one ounce of my ability to infer to deduce something that she has touched on, I understand that one could probably assume she's talking about being seductive, I can understand some of the otherstuff, but this heart thing is awful, you know for a fact that silly heart makes no god damn sense unless she were to explain it in the context of poem, otherwise it is empty description with no basis surrounding it. Maybe it's beating irregularly? Maybe it's beating too fast? Maybe it's a ****ing blueberry Popsicle. She has two options: remove the word silly to make this idea of a racing heart a god damn tangible one, or just add an extra line to explain why his heart is "silly." Otherwise it means nothing and everything at the same time.

You know, inferring doesn't make you a better writer, it makes you a better reader. She doesn't have to be a better reader, she needs to be a better writer.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#29
okay, let's take silly to mean insensible or foolish in this context, as i would imagine that's the association most people would immediately make. at first we're not sure whether the writer is talking about the heart in a physical sense, or referring to the heart as in, you know, "the heart" - the guy's love. we already know that she's looking into his eyes, so the love association becomes the one that we're likely to embrace. we're thinking "okay, so this guy's heart is insensible or foolish... why?". the next stanza says that she's "mastered this look" and that she "makes" him slide his hand up her skirt. it's obvious that she's seduced him, and that his heart is foolish because he's been seduced. it's really not hard. it's true, perhaps you need to be a relatively competent reader to deal with that tidal-wave of thought. maybe, though, she was expecting a reader with half an inch of sense when she wrote this.

i don't see why you are so sure that the description has to be completed within that line. it's perfectly reasonable to leave a little uncertainty in the readers mind for half a second, and to challenge the reader to think. hell, if this was just a bunch of descriptions that left nothing to the imagination it would be boring shit.
#30
Not that this needs to be a threesome of hatred here, but anyways:

I will say this, I think Matt has made some good points... but he was also being directly obtuse. Come on Matt, even if you do think this has been granted too much positive attention, don't read it like you are a fucking moron. This is poetry, not a descriptive novel. It's supposed to be somewhat vague... you are supposed to have to contemplate it. If you want to read something that involves no thinking, go take on some Dr. Seuss.

You are more than welcome to your opinion that this sucks hairy balls. But, I personally thought it was a quite well done piece that took a different spin on an old idea. I thought it had a good touch of personality in it, and I *gasp* was able to infer everywhere she had asked me to with little to no effort.

That's not to discredit a lot of your ideas, as you are right in some places. But next time, only attack the piece not the writer, otherwise you come off as an asshole... not someone trying to be honest.
#31
It is completely reasonable to leave uncertainty, I do it all the time, but at the same time you described the ideal situation for this.

Here's the thing, everyone can infer, it's not a matter of that. It's a matter of writing, and it's not good. Silly racing heart isn't good contextually or our of context. I want to point out that, and I'm not sure on this, but I think it's grammatically incorrect as well, as is, it is currently describing racing as silly, not the heart. Grammatically it should be a racing, silly heart.

But, with the context that you just said or without, it still needs changed. I appreciate you saying something, but you didn't address the issue of whether it was bad or not, and I think it would be better if it were changed.

his t-shirt was fluttering
with his
silly racing heart, falling for
the way my lips twist,
and the way my lashes blink
as i stared into his eyes


Much better right? exactly. And that's leaving your oh beloved phrase "silly racing heart" intact.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#32
Quote by Something_Vague


But, with the context that you just said or without, it still needs changed. I appreciate you saying something, but you didn't address the issue of whether it was bad or not, and I think it would be better if it were changed.

his t-shirt was fluttering
with his
silly racing heart, falling for
the way my lips twist,
and the way my lashes blink
as i stared into his eyes


Much better right? exactly. And that's leaving your oh beloved phrase "silly racing heart" intact.


You could have written that to start with and that would be what most people call constructive criticism and not being a douche

I'm not having a go. just saying s'all.
#33
I enjoy being a douche rather than flaunting my ability to be completely constructive.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#35
Also, I'm done here unless someone wants to protest something else I said in my crit.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#36
Ok kids. Lets not make me close this thread, eh?

Play nice and take it to PMs if you want to discuss who's e-penis is bigger... or something... the pit has gotten to me.
This is not a pipe
#38
^ and Carmel would be the hot, young teacher that all the 6th formers try to flirt/sleep with.
#39
s_v, that critique was awful
"Since when are mosquitoes a flying truth serum?"
come on.

there were a few lines (and the title) that did not sit well with me
but i really did enjoy this
it was poignant, relaxed and not full of ****
that little proposed edited section by s_v
that wasn't her. that's you trying to morph her piece into your favor.

clearly you're in a piss-poor mood, and maybe you always are, but i encourage you to refrain next time. you know what? your critique didn't critique anything about the piece. you just suggested it be scrapped. don't attack the writer. you have no recognition of the fact that, who knows, maybe this piece isn't for you? maybe this writer isn't for you. that doesn't give you the right to turn a perfectly good piece of writing into a point of shame for someone. have a little perspective and consideration. for someone who has a lot of weight on this forum, you should now be aware of how your words can impact those who write here. your approval and disapproval has the power to change, and i hope that you don't always abuse that power by tearing down everything you feel needs to be torn down. because the way it sounds, nothing gets you going more.

it's time you wake up from this power trip
#40
Yeah, some of what was tongue in cheek, but a person who's opinion I highly value has spoken many good things about you, even let his disappointment known to me that you liked this piece.

I will say this, and nothing more and right now after all this moaning about how my critique wasn't helpful let me break it down to everyone that can't see through a few sarcastic and tongue-in-cheek comments. But before this let me say everyone here who "posted a critique" is lying to themselves. Sucking someone's dick, and that's what you were doing is less helpful than what I posted, so to people who posted a single sentence or two didn't help much either and nothing to say to me.

I don't feel like re-writing my critique to the few people that don't understand what I wrote doesn't reflect her it reflects me. Yes, crazy huh? My critique doesn't damage her image at all, it if anything makes me look like an asshole, so STOP FUCKING BITCHING ABOUT. She comes out squeaky clean and if she isn't a crybaby, she can get a few helpful tips from the whole thing.

So, the whole point of my critique, besides being a little silly was to point out to her, through examples that her descriptions of things are bad. They are pointless. You can remove all the modifiers in this poem, and it would be exactly the same. The reason I re-wrote that, was not to replace what she wrote, but to give an example of what I believe is a decently structured stanza for something like this, with the appropriate amount of description to make for imagery and not enough to smother the reader.

In this piece, she is often very vague, but not purposefully as if it were on purpose it would have been much more obvious. She often uses lazy cop-outs that seem like distinct descriptions of the setting, but they are vague and add nothing.

Her voice is clumsy, and her words stumble over each other, again if this were on purpose it would add a much more distinct style, but it isn't and it reads terribly.

orange sherbet clouds linger above you
as i kiss you the way that
makes you take off my shirt.


"That
makes you take off my shirt" it reads absolutely awful.

I don't care what you say punchupatatigge, but of all people you should at least understand using a personal opinion on a critique is the whole god damn point If I didn't express, honestly how I felt about the piece, what the hell is the meaning of my post? When I read this, that is what I felt, mean or not, over-bearing or not, helpful or not (I thought it was very helpful if you pick through the absurdities) you can't question what I said.

You. can't. question. what. I. said.

This is the last time, I'm posting on this damn thread, if anyone, INCLUDING the writer have any questions with anything that I said, here's my aim:

matt is art
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
Last edited by Something_Vague at Aug 20, 2008,
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