#1
I hope i captured everything I hoped I would well and detailed. You're help would be incredible and much appreciated. As usual, C4C.

I'm a jealous man
Envy is squeezin' on my head,
Pressin' on my chest

My mood is changing like a storm cloud.
Growin' big and dark one minute,
rainin' sweet rain the next.

I hide my fists in my pockets
And keep to myself.
Sit in the corner and sulk in my want

I'm a selfish bitch.
My heart pounds at what is not
and chasin' what I desire.


Choppin' through the forest and jumpin over trenches,
but my luck,
the knife cutting down all my needs isn't sharp enough,
and my legs are weak.

The only time I get to enjoy myself,
when my eyes are closed and my body is at ease.
It's get my away from the steaming desire burning inside of me,
Chilling my mind and emotions.

I just wish she wasn't in my dreams.
"We barely remember who or what came before this precious moment"

Tool, anyone?
Alter Bridge, maybe?
A bit of John Mayer?
Some beethoven sounds delightful, as well.
#2
Quote by Pedalboard
I hope i captured everything I hoped I would well and detailed. You're help would be incredible and much appreciated. As usual, C4C.

I'm a jealous man
Envy is squeezin' on my head,
I don't know about "squeezin' on", should it just be 'squeezin'?
Pressin' on my chest

My mood is changing like a storm cloud.
Growin' big and dark one minute,
why all the apostrophes? it is getting a little bit irritatin'
rainin' sweet rain the next.
Not a completely original idea, but I like what you did with it.

I hide my fists in my pockets
And keep to myself.
Sit in the corner and sulk in my want
I like the last phrase here a lot.

I'm a selfish bitch.
My heart pounds at what is not
and chasin' what I desire.


Choppin' through the forest and jumpin over trenches,
a would get rid of the word 'and', and put in a line break.
but my luck,
the knife cutting down all my needs isn't sharp enough,
This could be reworded to be a bit shorter so it has more impact. Right now it just lies there.
and my legs are weak.
IMO, this fits really well here, for some reason.

The only time I get to enjoy myself,
when my eyes are closed and my body is at ease.
It's get my away from the steaming desire burning inside of me,
having 'steaming' and 'burning' in the same line is a bit redundant.
Chilling my mind and emotions.

I just wish she wasn't in my dreams.
nice ending.


I was very critical and nit-picky in this piece, but it was really all I could do, because there weren't any huge errors here. If you can, crit "soda pop" in my signature.
#3
Thanks for the crit!
"We barely remember who or what came before this precious moment"

Tool, anyone?
Alter Bridge, maybe?
A bit of John Mayer?
Some beethoven sounds delightful, as well.
#4
Quote by Pedalboard
I hope i captured everything I hoped I would well and detailed. You're help would be incredible and much appreciated. As usual, C4C.

I'm a jealous man
Envy is squeezin' on my head,
Pressin' on my chest

Good intro, though I dont completely like 'squeezin', doesnt seem to fit.

My mood is changing like a storm cloud.
Growin' big and dark one minute,
rainin' sweet rain the next.

Very good stanza, nothing wrong with it. It flows nice, and good lyrics.

I hide my fists in my pockets
And keep to myself.
Sit in the corner and sulk in my want

Once again, great stanza, you seem to be on fire. There is nothing to crit in the last 2 stanzas honestly.

I'm a selfish bitch.
My heart pounds at what is not
and chasin' what I desire.

The first line isnt so good, I dont think the b word is neccesary
Change that, and it is a good stanza



Choppin' through the forest and jumpin over trenches,
but my luck,
the knife cutting down all my needs isn't sharp enough,
and my legs are weak.

An artsy stanza, and it works nicely. I love the knife analogy, but the last line was so blunt it seemed out of place.

The only time I get to enjoy myself,
when my eyes are closed and my body is at ease.
It's get my away from the steaming desire burning inside of me,
Chilling my mind and emotions.

A powerful stanza that kind of foreshadows the verse (methinks this is about sleep)

I just wish she wasn't in my dreams.
A teriffic ending, and does alot for the song


Generally a good song, however at times the flow can be wierd. You did a great job expressing jelousy in different ways, the ending was interesting as was the format. Good Job

#5
Quote by Pedalboard
I hope i captured everything I hoped I would well and detailed. You're help would be incredible and much appreciated. As usual, C4C.

I'm a jealous man
Envy is squeezin' on my head,
Pressin' on my chest In general, I often think apostrophes are necessary for rhythm in some lines. But in order to not make it look like you're using them to cheat the rules of measure, be judicious about when to use them. I don't really like squeezin on my head for some reason, just a weird image. maybe 'pounding on my head'?

My mood is changing like a storm cloud.
Growin' big and dark one minute,
rainin' sweet rain the next. Cool enough verse

I hide my fists in my pockets
And keep to myself.
Sit in the corner and sulk in my want strongest verse

I'm a selfish bitch.
My heart pounds at what is not
and chasin' what I desire. love line 2, hate line 3. Maybe because the grammar is off. Read 'My heart pounds at what is not and chasing what I desire' as a sentence and you realize there are some grammar agreement issues. But line 3 just doesn't hit hard enough for me


Choppin' through the forest and jumpin over trenches,
but my luck,
the knife cutting down all my needs isn't sharp enough,
and my legs are weak. Its an odd verse, disjointed and yet with many strong points of emphasis. Don't know how to feel about it

The only time I get to enjoy myself,
when my eyes are closed and my body is at ease.
It's get my away from the steaming desire burning inside of me, my get-away??
Chilling my mind and emotions.

I just wish she wasn't in my dreams. A strong close in terms of flow, its the right TYPE of line for sure, but the cant-escape-her-in-my-dreams scenario just comes up way too often on this board



Lot of really good work here, a few things that I think could keep the flow more steady and the listener more interested. good work overall