#1
hiss

when the tone of voice changes
from enthusiastic to
a dull, discordant murmur,
i feel a tonne weight tied
to each of my upper eyelids,
and i feel the duvet scratch
the pillows irritate my ears and neck.
it reminds me that yes,
i am still lucid, i am still conscious,
and that the draining buzz in my ear
is not the sound that we are all destined to hear
as we lie six foot deep
in a wooden casket,
with only our echoing memories.

and then it's another place
and another time,
when another guy approaches
another girl -
my stomach pinches,
a pang when politically
i should not be feeling a pang,
when i should be feeling nothing
but contentness and warmth.
maybe it's just me, i wonder.
they say it's darkest before the dawn,
so why shouldn't it be
that love is at its least
before its most?

when the tone of voice changes
from a giggling high-pitched jingle
to a dark shadow of foreboding
i itch the back of my neck, sweat,
bite my bottom lip shut so i can't speak
and listen, absent of mind,
until i hear no more,

either through the tranquility of solitude
or the warm embrace of our death.


I very rarely put as much thought in to a title as this. C4C.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Aug 11, 2008,
#2
Quote by Jammydude44
hiss

when the tone of voice changes
from enthusiastic to
a dull, discordant murmur,
i feel a tonne weight tied
to each of my upper eyelids,
and i feel the duvet scratch
the pillows irritate my ears and neck,
reminding me that yes,
i am still lucid, conscious,
and that the draining buzz in my ear
is not the sound that we are all destined to hear
as we lie six foot deep
in a wooden casket,
our memories echoing.
the content here was beautiful, but the fact that it was just one long sentence made it drag on for me. it wasn't necessarily a bad thing, but it would have been a more fun read if it had been broken up a bit. i love the first few lines here. the mood and tone they set holds up perfectly throughout the whole piece.

and then it's another place
and another time
when another guy approaches
another girl
my stomach pinches; the absence of punctuation between this line and the previous made it a little confusing. it sort of sounds like you're saying a girl is pinching your stomach or something. i know what it actually says, it just tripped me up the first time i read it.
a pang when politically
i should not be feeling a pang,
when i should be feeling nothing
but contentness and warmth.
maybe it's just me, i wonder.
they say it's darkest before the dawn,
so why shouldn't it be
that love is at its least
before its most?
i love this. seriously.

when the tone of voice changes
from a giggling high-pitched jingle
to a dark shadow of foreboding,
i itch the back of my neck,
sweat from my armpits and forehead,this line seems way too analytical with what its surrounded by
bite my bottom lip shut so i can't speak
and listen, absent of mind,
until i hear no more,

either through the tranquility of solitude
or the warm embrace of our death.


I very rarely put as much thought in to a title as this. C4C.


i can't believe this hasn't gotten any comments yet. its completely beautiful, jamie.
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?
#3
Quote by Jammydude44
hiss

when the tone of voice changes
from enthusiastic to
a dull, discordant murmur,
i feel a tonne weight tied
to each of my upper eyelids,
and i feel the duvet scratch
the pillows irritate my ears and neck.
it reminds me that yes,
i am still lucid, i am still conscious,
and that the draining buzz in my ear
is not the sound that we are all destined to hear
as we lie six foot deep
in a wooden casket,
with only our echoing memories.

and then it's another place
and another time,
when another guy approaches
another girl -
my stomach pinches,
a pang when politically
i should not be feeling a pang,
when i should be feeling nothing
but contentness and warmth.
maybe it's just me, i wonder.
they say it's darkest before the dawn,
so why shouldn't it be
that love is at its least
before its most?

when the tone of voice changes
from a giggling high-pitched jingle
to a dark shadow of foreboding
i itch the back of my neck, sweat,
bite my bottom lip shut so i can't speak
and listen, absent of mind,
until i hear no more,

either through the tranquility of solitude
or the warm embrace of our death.


I very rarely put as much thought in to a title as this. C4C.



The only bit I didn't like was 'to a dark shadow of foreboding' because that's just not a tone of voice and doesn't seem to fit to me. Aside from that I liked it all, haha.
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish