#1
Verse 1
Deep down inside everyone
thats a moment that tells us all
what we are supposed to be!
and if, we decide to take a chance
and watch, someone take our own dance
then the last thing, we see is us going down

Chorus
Its like a simple chorus line
it reapeats, but its never the same
it never says the saaaaame thing
from one day, to the next
its a big ole mess
and its the last thing
we ever expect

Verse 2
Time and time again
we watch our hearbeat without a care
and its a bad thing
to not give a damn
and maybe, if pretend its not there
then we cant really care

Chorus

Bridge
its a deep moment, in all our lives
watching people run our own lives
and deep down inside
we know, its not right
but sometimes it doesnt really matter

Chorus

Outro
its a simple chorus line
says one thing, one thing at a time
but it never, says the saaammme thing
Quote by skaterskagg1
Gotta have more shaft!

Don't sig that!


Just because you said not too!
#2
Quote by RageGarden
Verse 1
Deep down inside everyone
thats a moment that tells us all
what we are supposed to be!
and if, we decide to take a chance
and watch, someone take our own dance
then the last thing, we see is us going down

Chorus
Its like a simple chorus line The problem here is that while I believe you are referring to the chorus line of a song, there's the famous broadway musical Chorus Line with can-can dancing, that was my first image, and I don't think its great for your piece to use a phrase that already has a strong identification like that
it reapeats, but its never the same
it never says the saaaaame thing
from one day, to the next
its a big ole mess
and its the last thing
we ever expect

Verse 2
Time and time again
we watch our hearbeat without a care
and its a bad thing
to not give a damn
and maybe, if pretend its not there is this line missing a word?
then we cant really care

Chorus

Bridge
its a deep moment, in all our lives
watching people run our own lives
and deep down inside
we know, its not right
but sometimes it doesnt really matter

Chorus

Outro
its a simple chorus line
says one thing, one thing at a time
but it never, says the saaammme thing


Usually I prefer to make suggestions within each line and verse on improvements. And in order to make those suggestions, I generally think about what the intention of a piece is. On this song, I find it pretty hard to give many constructive ideas on the individual lines, because I really don't know what you're trying to say. There are a lot of lines here that sound somewhat profound at face glance, but really don't seem to be saying anything of substance at all. In addition, there are lines that sort of contradict each other to the point that I just don't know what this song is trying to tell me about my situation or yours. There are a few lines I'd like to see kept, like the one about people taking our own dance, but by and large I'd prefer to see this overhauled with an emphasis on a clearer message, or barring that, at least more interesting language. Hope that's not too harsh, there's potential here, but a less than honest critique is generally worthless.