#1
i was born on the porch outside for how
and each me and howard would sit torrid
on the miraclebeach with each hand in a starjar
picking them out and breathing them in
and reading eachothers naked statues

you were the pigeon who shat on my statue
arrived at my door with a box of shit
and opened your storm and out came
a tarantula. and it bite me a million billion trillion times
(in the arse)

and then i was alone
no pretty men, no blueeyed cigarette smokers
no winter reading, (no speaking)
just an old woman, life savings spent
dying alone in piss (lament).
#2
...
My Gear
Electrics - Ibanez RG370DX
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#3
I really honestly, don't know what to say...
All I want is for everyone to go to hell...
...It's the last place I was seen before I lost myself



Quote by DisarmGoliath
You can be the deputy llamma of the recordings forum!
#4
reported, Rock Boy. contrary to what you might think, those three dots do not contribute anything


I've said it before, I love how you don't follow guidelines or rules which many feel exist, even for poetry. My first read through was purely dedicated to enjoying the aesthetics and rhythm. The next to the story. As it progressed I was increasingly impressed; the character was developed so thoroughly with so few words, I felt like I'd known her my whole life. And perhaps I have, and this is just stimulating my memory instead of imagination.

a tarantula. and it bite me a million billion trillion times
(in the arse)

The whole piece has undertones of goofiness, but with raw emotion to compliment it. This part seems to lack that emotion, and feels over the top because of that. I think I just want to see 'ass' in its full glory. Aside from that, I have no choice but to end this comment with a fuck yeah
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
Last edited by Billyjson at Aug 11, 2008,
#5
I could not seem to follow this piece but there was something magical about it that made me read it over and over again. I think it should stay the way it is as it is a very intriguing and unique.

Great stuff.
#6
I don't understand it. But I like it. I like how the first and last parts are written so beautifully and have wonderful imagery and the second part is so chaotic you almost get lost in the rhythm of it all.
Drop another coin in the slot, and I will tell you more...
#7
thanks to everyone, especially rock_boy and chemical fire. extremely insightful.

no links for a hefty return crit?
#9
Maybe I'll critique this "properly" tommorow. Its 5am here and I jsut got back from a tom petty show so Im pretty tired...But I definately like this poem. At first I wanted to try and decifer it somehow but as I read it a few times.. Most of what I like is the statements themselves. What they mean I am still unsure of but this poem contains elements of love as well as hate and sadness.. But done very beautifully with such little words.

Nice job
I keep the wolf from the door, but he calls me on the phone, tells me all the ways that he's gonna mess me up, steal all my children if I don't pay the ransom, but I'll never see them again If I squeal to the cops.
#11

you've never put the rhythm cock into the storyline pussy while massaging the emotive ass like you did just there. this is very sexy




love is a dog from hell.